The Honest Male Perspective

Knocked Up

2007-06-12T10:28:00.001-05:00

If you haven't seen this movie yet, go see it. This is by far the most relateable comedy I have seen in a long time. There are laughs in every scene, big laughs, but this movie also has a heart. Plus, it features Katherine Heigl, who proves both smoking hot and really cool. Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen have better on-screen chemistry than freakin' Bogart and Bergmann in Casablanca. Just go see the movie. If thats not enough to convince you, here is a scene that wasn't even good enough to MAKE the movie.

Too good to be true.

2007-06-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

So I know its been about a year since we updated, but I felt it is about time. I found this YouTube video on Bill Simmons' new post. The time and effort these guys put into learning this fairly gay homage to a show that has been off the air for more than a decade is quite admirable. You have to see to believe.

Phillies 2007: Analysis

2007-03-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

Is there no one listening? Very good then. It’s a fine time to peak out my head and give a pretentious, meticulous overview of the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies as the baseball season in all its glory nears with under ONE WEEK to go. 2006 is gone. And so are many Phillies I came to know so well for many seasons. Atop the list, is my favorite Phillie of all time, Bobby ‘godly’ Abreu. Also on the list of departed is arguably my most hated Phillie of all time, David ‘nobody jingles my’ Bell. What happens when you lose your least favorite player and most favorite player all at once? A PENNANT my beautiful babies! A shiny glorious pennant. One I have not seen in about 14 years. I will cry bold and mannish tears of joy when this happens. But let’s not let me get ahead of myself. The season has not even begun.

For those who do not care for the extendo-version, here is what the Phillies look like for 2007 in few words: Our lineup is sweet-ass with a good mix of contact hitting, power, and speed. Our Starting rotation is much improved and the reason why many critics may actually be taking us seriously this year. We could not find anybody to take Jon Leiber and so we are actually stuck with 6 ‘on-the-real’ starting pitchers and one will go to the bullpen if there is no trade. This would not be bad because our bullpen is lackluster, as it’s been for a couple years. I still have great faith in these boys and if they show up, we will be domination with a red cap on. Our bench is once again shaky flaky, but Chris Coste, who has battled for a spot on the team for years, will continue to bring extra fixin’s to the dinner table this year and it will help greatly. New faces like Greg Dobbs and Jayson Werth will chip in as well.

Touch ‘em all-----

Lineup:

SS Jimmy Rollins
RF Shane Victorino
2B Chase Utley
1B Ryan Howard
LF Pat Burrell
3B Wes Helms
CF Aaron Rowand
C Rod Barajas
P Joseph Momma

You’re right. It IS a pretty sweet lookin’ lineup. How very perceptive of you. But don’t look now. Here’s the Rotatum of Gold:

….ok now you can look.

Rotation:

1) Freddy Garcia
2) Brett Myers
3) Cole Hamels
4) Jamie Moyer
5) Adam Eaton/John Leiber

Batting :

Jimmy Rollins- J Smooth. I love him at leadoff. I love him at shortstop. I love his swagger and his bucktoothed coolness. Jimmy has not had the OBP. that I would like out of a lead off hitter and Charlie ‘Walrus’ Manuel does not send him on a secret theft mission of second base or even third base nearly as much as he should. HOWEVER, Jimmy will have a fine fine year and if he can get more walks, less K’s, and make more happen on the basepath, we will be hard to contain on offense any game. His defense will demand a golden chocolate glove. Chocolate because his defense is that sweet.

Shane Victorino- Our Hawaiian legend. This man swooped in and helped me forget about our foolish expulsion of Placido Polanco. He does not strike out. This should be a noted and celebrated record of Major League Baseball, but little known fact is that Shane has not once struck out in his career….ever. I have also never lied once in my life. The point is, Victorino is a great contact hitter and has a little pop on his swing. The BEST part about him is that he is a lightning bolt on the field and on the diamond. A great weapon at the two position and a good compliment to Jimmy Henry Rollins Band. I’ll make you a bet. You owe me nothing if you lose, but if Shane doesn’t hit above .285 this year, and you remember that I said this, I will buy you a choco taco.

Chase Utley- Chase ….Utley….PhD. He has a doctorate in baseball, and a clinical degree in heart and team mentality. All this at the young age of 28 years old. Chase will run out a groundout to the shortstop like he was Tom Berenger with the game on the line. A resolve that would fool you into forgetting that it’s the top of the 2nd with 1 out and the Phils have the lead. He just plays hard. UNLIKE Dave Magadan or Jonny Average-Pants, he is also a premiere second basemen and rapidly becoming the team leader on a team that desperately needs it. Hopefully Chase will have another great year in leading his fellow teammates to the playoffs. But Chase does not need my faith or aspirations. To Chase there is no hope, there is just win.

Ryan Howard- What can you say about Ryan Howard that everyone hasn’t already been talking about? He’s a monster of a ballplayer and a teddy bear of a man. We have not had such an intimidating presence at the plate here in Philadelphia……ever? Luzinski, Schmidt, Kline, Thome…..They all hit bombs and struck out a shit ton of times. Howard K’s, don’t get me wrong. But he is learning a veteran’s discipline at a young stage in his major league career and this is fantastic. He will be walked more often than your golden retriever and when he is not, he will crush groove many a baseball into the cheaper seats. Who’s house? Ryan’s house.

Pat Burrell- Same story every year. Will Pat have a grandly improved season? Or will he just hit 25 jomers and strike out 200 times. What grinds my gears about Pat the Bat is that whenever I’m watching (and I’m watching quite often), in a clutch situation in the game, with men on base, Pat swings…..thhhtbbttt RASPBERRY. He has disappointed me with his slugging and batting average. I know, I know. He’s not expected to hit .280 or get 200 hits, BUT he has been given a very very important job now, and he needs to come through for the team to be successful: Protect Ryan Howard with your LIIIIFE. If Pat’s bat is hot (roughly as hot as Utley’s wife must be) then pitchers will have no choice but to throw strikes to Howard. This will result in many a jomerun and many a Phillie will run jome. In contrast, if Pat’s bat is cold balls, our rallies are stifled and Howard’s on-basedness is useless. I watched a Saturday afternoon game last year, and your friend and mine, Chris Berman reported how much of a threat Pat Burrell was on the base path. This is exactly wrong. Pat is slow. He is also slow in running down fly balls in left and this is a concern. What I need is for Pat to get the big RBIs he always does, and more importantly walks and timely base knocks. It’s a lot to ask, but come on Burrell. You’re a seasoned veteran and you bat FIVE piece for the legendary Philadelphia Phillies. Step it up. It’ll pay off in spades.

Wes Helms- I don’t know, guy. I’m ecstatic you are not David Bell. Don’t get me wrong. You had a great year last year, and I didn’t notice. Sweet BA. and sluggin’. You haven’t started consistently since ’03 though and there’s just something I don’t like about you. It is most likely that you have mostly played for the evil-incarnate Atlanta Braves and Florida Marlins last year. You probably ruined many of our potential wins in the past. I need you to earn your stripes and not let down the team now that you are a Fightin’ Phil. Play consistent at 3rd, Get your hits and most importantly hook up the Rib-eyes cuzzzzz 6th in the lineup of serious hitters is very important too. Do all this and we can be friends. I promise. You can’t have a worse freshman year on the Phillies than Abraham Nunez (I’m glad Nunez is still here though. He will bounce back….I assume).

Aaron Rowand- Tough as nails. And he doesn’t even juice. At least, it would be pitiful if he did. My boy Rowand loves being a Phillie and I love him. He knows what the show’s about in Philadelphia and he plays my position at CF. Along with Pat Burrell, trade talks involving Rowand were flying in the off-season, because we’re terrified of a bullpen shoddiness ruining the season. I’m glad we did not send off Burrell, but even more so (and he’s only been here a year), I’m glad we kept Row-dog (I’m not being a dork this time. That’s really what people call him in Philly). “If it comes down to making a play or saving my body from a hit, I’m catching that ball.” That’s what you want to hear from a Centerfielder and a man who bats seventh in the lineup but wants to be a threat every at-bat. Rowand should be sent to steal more bases than he does, but more importantly, Rowand needs to change up the dynamic of the Phillies’ 7-8-9. For years this has been the batting graveyard, where rallies go to die.

Rod Barajas- Another new face in the lineup. Most Phillie fans are excited that old man Lieberthal is finally gone and we can get back to tough-guy hitting catchers like Dutch Daulton and …..Benito Santiago? I have a soft spot for Lieby because he WAS the Phillies catcher for over 10 years straight, and you gotta respect that. If Barajas hits like everybody says he does, I will be pleased. Personally I would have expected my man Coste to cruise through the Spring assuming the position and earning it. Instead, he’s BATTLING for a bench spot. I don’t get it Manuel. I don’t follow. Barajas better be straight up money, because if he’s sweet and sour chicken, I will be scowling at management through the TV and writing complaint letters demanding Coste a starting position at the big C.

p.s. Barajas, if you happen to have any kind of arm for gunning down runners trying to take second, it would be spectacular. Lieberthal hasn’t thrown anyone out in 7 years and NL east teams manufacturing runs against us to make the difference in a bullshit loss makes my blood boil. Let’s make a statement this year.

Pitching:

Freddy Garcia- I’m happy you’re here Fred. Please be solid. I’m begging you. You’re a B-star Ace of a staff, and yet our rotation looks very very quality after your acquisition. There are worries about your longevity and giving up big innings when it would hurt us the most, especially with a suspect bullpen. However, I can’t ignore the fact that he won 17 games last year, with the World Series hangover White sox. He has never been a consistent ace however, and he’s getting older by the day (unlike most pitchers). I don’t trust his ability for a few reasons. ONE, he’s never shown that he can dominate two years in a row, and last year was a good year for him. TWO, if he has problems with stamina, in bed or on the field, the NL is going to be worse on him as he’ll be needed to bat, like baseball’s supposed to be, and go later in games with our average bullpen. THREE, he’s joining the Philadelphia Phillies, which has always spelled disaster for any major pitcher who we traded for, until he’s gone to another team or retired. Soooo, basically Freddy’s got his work cut out for him. We’ve cut out his work with scissors, and now it’s on the table for him to do. Lots of it.

Brett Myers- Brett has been our ace for a couple years. He’s a head-case, no question about it. I love his pitches and the command he has. Strikeouts are always high, but he’s never had even a 15 win season. You can easily blame this on the Phillies poor production for him when he takes the mound, both hitting and relief pitching, in fact I do blame it on these things. Myers has not been perfect, but he’s been the best pitcher we’ve had in a few years consistently and I’m hoping he has his best year yet and strikes out over 2 hundo.

Cole Hamels- If Cole Hamels dominates, we will dominate. Having a young gun at the 3 spot in the rotation with the potential to freeze NL batters where they stand, all day and all year, is a major weapon. Philly is buzzing with excitement that Cole will become the next Steve Carlton in the city. Major shoes to fill, but Cole Hamels is a size 15 and he’s already beaten Steve Carlton and his son in an arm wrestling match (simultaneously), a best of 3 thumb war, and a best of 19 rock, paper, scissors battle. Cole has also defeated Chuck Norris in a grammar bee showdown and a watermelon seed spitting contest. So he’s on his way, I’d say. My favorite thing about Cole Hamels is that he reminds me of me when I was his age (6 months ago). Long whispy brown hair, lanky but strong, with a rapist wit. Cole’s gonna go far, and I’d worry about facing him, I don’t care who you are. I do not care. You don’t impress me.

Jamie Moyer- What? Old man Moyer? He’s fine. He’s healthy as a horse. …a healthy horse. He was quoted in saying, “I’ll be around here for at least another 5 or 6 years.” He was talking about his life on earth, but I dig the spunk and motivation. Honestly though, I’m glad we got him. He was supposed to be the extra juice for our playoff run last year, but we’ve kept him because he’s still got good stuff. He has pitched more innings than anyone else this Spring and he’s been rocking all the way to 11. Whilest we do have a young staff, Moyer is the aging veteran, but with just as much performance and skill as he has wisdom and experience. If our 4 man can win games and go deep into late innings, we are going to laugh at the fleeting competition as we wrap up the division with bubble paper. Just pray for no injuries. Why’d I even say that?

…..cuz it’s Philly.

Adam Eaton- Everyone in the world is more excited about Adam Eaton than I am. I don’t recall ever seeing him do anything special, and his numbers tell a tale of a boring, average accountant who looks to be slightly too big a fan of the WWF. He’s an upgrade from our question mark 5 spot last year as we rotated the FIIIF between our bullpen and our triple-A hayseeds. HOWEVER, he is not much better in my eyes. And I have a couple good eyes. I would rather see John Leiber holding down the 5 piece chicken than Eaton ANY day. Let’s NOT forget Leiber was our opening day starter last year. He has not fallen far enough to throw him in the bullpen! Though it seems that is where he is going, pending a late trade that is almost definitely not going to happen before opening day, at this point. What I like about Eaton is that he has said in interviews and in the clubhouse that he will gladly take a role in the bullpen and hopes to help the pitching squad in any way that he can. THAT’S what I’m talking about EATON. YES! HELPING for the CAUSE. YES. When we win the pennant I will allow you a shiny ring, but smaller than everyone else’s. You aren’t a hero. Not yet…..We’ll need you to be if you’re starting 25-30 games this year. Punk.
…..I’m just razzin’ ya, Eats. Goodluck this year.

Or else it’s the curb for you. Right out on your ass in south philly…..in the night.

Bench:

As I said, the bench is questionable. We’ve got names like Greg Dobbs, Abraham Nunez, Chris Coste, and Carlos Ruiz in there. They’re either too young or too old for a critic’s standards. I think they could surprise people. We have three catchers who can all hit, and Coste doubles as a stand in for Ryan Howard when he needs to take a break at first. Nunez needs to step it WAY up from last year and players like Chris Roberson and Jayson ‘I need to show my’ Werth are going to have to come through with more clutch hitting and not just sac bunts and double play grounders. They are a quick bunch of youngins though, which gets me excited for steals and wheels on extra base hits. I need these boys as a good supporting cast. Teams that go far have the magic from all players, not just the starters. I believe in you, pine-riders.

Bullpen:

Now that Philadelphia recognizes the Phils as a legitimate ballclub, the major concern is the bullpen and their ability to contain leads and fend off late rallies from opposing teams. Let’s begin at the end. Tom Gordon. He was Flashtastic last year until injuries. He is old. But he is mustard. Spicy mustard on the grill style. Tom will hopefully hold down the closer position or else drastic moves will have to be made. Folks in Philly discussed moving Brett Myers to the closer position if god-forbid, Gordon doesn’t cut it. This is a poopy idea for many reasons. I will not get into them all, but taking a solid starter like Myers out of the rotation would be foolish as well as dangerous. I’m tired of everybody thinking that putting a dominant starter in the closer spot is genius and the secret to the success of a ballclub. It’s a WASTE. Closers are good closers. Starters are good starters. Let’s keep it that way. Any great pitcher should be able to pitch 3 outs without giving up the lead. That’s all there is to it. I like a lot of our relief squad believe it or not. I think fans have a way of bashing their bullpen without proper overview. Madson has filth. Geary has been the most successful and consistent MR pitcher for the Dills for two years now. Either Eaton or Leiber is gonna be in there, and that’s a guy who is used to going at least 5 or 6 innings a game. That’s GOTTA help. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. Having 6 starters is a boost, no matter what team you are, not a hampering. Condrey and Smith are pitchers who will definitely surprise everyone as well. They had great outings last year in our playoff run and I don’t think the organization forgets. The only guy I hate this year is a man named Alfonseca. This bastard used to kill the Phillies on teams like the Marlins and Braves. Lately he’s been declining in skill and dependency and wouldn’t you know it, he’s hobbled over to the Phillies. These pretzels are makin’ me thirsty. There is not a riptide rush in sight. Like any team, if the middle relief can provide good innings, I would expect the setup guys and flash Gordon to do the rest to get lots of wins. The name of the game is wins, contrary to the popular belief that it is in fact ‘baseball’.

Intangibles:

The experts say that we will be well behind the Mets again this year. That’s fine with me. I think they are definitely wrong, but it’s not a problem. The players are psyched to be Phillies. That’s what I like to see. I’ve critiqued many Phillies in the past for not believing in the team’s chances or in the idea of team chemistry. There is comraderie in the clubhouse and a swagger on the field. This will help boost the team to more wins than it’s seen since ’93. There are no health issues (outside a few aging veterans) and our best prospects are the ones with the most to prove. It’s all coming together this year and it’s very exciting. The NL east is not nearly as competitive as it’s been for the past few years either. Confidence combined with a lighter schedule certainly helps our cause. Gillick is still making moves in the GM spot and all for the sake of putting players together that will play well as a group. We have money as well, after getting rid of big names in the past few years and bringing up enormous young talent that we have not had to pay big money to quite yet. To me, that’s what makes a quality ball club. Not big name/big money veterans paid for and thrown into the fray like easter eggs. Look at the teams that won championships in recent memory. Teams with heart, good management, chemistry, and a spark that lead them through the playoffs with confidence. Oh also, dominant pitching. Just SWEET sweet pitching. I don’t know if our pitching is dominant, but they are SOLID, and we’ve got the rest. I say it every year, but LOOK OUT for the Phils this season. Don’t be that loser that says ‘where did THESE guys come from? and how did they win a pennant?’ The answer will be, ‘we came from Philly’ and ‘because we were better than your particular baseball team.’

Unless of course, your team is in the AL and also won the pennant. In this case….you are not a loser……yet.

Soda/Pop/Coke

2007-01-29T11:54:00.000-05:00

The results are in, the majority of the United States calls that fizzy sugary stuff that kids love and adults try to avoid but can't resist, Pop. While most of the readers of this blog surely call it soda, and rightly so, those darned midwesterners have control over the country. I am surprised by the strong population of those who simply call it coke. No offense, but this seems like a dimwitted choice of words. So when they want a sprite they say that they want a sprite coke. Or when they want the classic they get a coke coke? Those subliminal advertising techniques from the 1950's must've really worked to seep the name coke into the south's collective consciousness'. Here is the map:

Source

Honest Male Back-And-Forth: Scotty B and Pops Talk Pats vs Chargers

2007-01-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

****The following is an ongoing back-and-forth email conversations between Honest Male Blogger Alex Popkin and DisHonest Male Blogger Scotty B. Barker. I had the idea a few days ago...and this is the result!****

Alex: My first question is this, who would you rather have played this week....Baltimore or San Diego? I think going to Baltimore and stopping McNair and Lewis would be a far better prospect than tackling the Chargers.... What do you think is the best storyline is? I think its either a) Pats D vs the MVP b) schottenheimer vs. Belicheck c) Rivers vs Brady (battle of the pro bowl snub)

If Rodney was healthy i think it would definitely be something with him getting to stick it to his former franchise that wrote him off....OR if Seau was around going for the ring against the team that made his career....

Scott: I know this is a bit off topic, but have we seen this much hype over two men embracing since Brokeback Mountain ??

Alex: off topic? you didnt answer any of my questions.....well yeah its a story that the media can get into...anytime they can compare a sports story to Obiwan/Darth Vader they will do it. but the biggest thing is that the players dont care. anyone who thought that Mangini was in Willie Belichick's head is dead wrong....which kind of means that there's no way Belichick will be in Schottenheimer's heads....even tho his retarded playoff resume means he should.

Scott: I answered ALL your questions, dick-in-a-box. Check your e-mail again… it’s in a separate e-mail.

Scotty B: Without a question, I would say that I’d rather play Baltimore . The Pats success has come in large part as a result of their balance and our ability to play down to people’s weaknesses while eliminating their strengths. The Ravens, while a deadly team, don’t really have a great offensive attack. It’s sufficient when matched up with their formidable defense, but to no degree is it unstoppable. The Ravens really look an awful lot like the team they had when they won the Superbowl which is worrisome for anyone dealt the task of facing them- with one major difference: Jamal Lewis is a shell of his former self.

However, the Chargers really don’t have a weakness for us to exploit. Even if we shut down LT, about as likely as Jim’s sister baking Laren a batch of cookies, Philip Rivers can technically beat the hell out of us downfield with Gates. Their run D is strong, their pass D is strong, special teams strong and entire offense is strong- especially their offensive line. If you remember our most formidable foe of the past two years has been the Denver Broncos- a team with a well rounded D and an amazing offensive line. It’s a good thing for us that the Chargers are coached by dirty rotten rhymer, Marty Schottenheimer and not Shannahan. We’d be as good as toast.

I’m gonna go out on the bandwagon limb and say that they are the team to beat in the playoffs this year – which if you think about it is a position that the Pats typically thrive in. I guess I kind of just talked myself in a circle, but I’m changing my answer to the Chargers. We would have to play them eventually, in all likelihood (being that they’re the team to beat) and I’d rather play them sooner than later- leaving us with only the scraps of the ravens/colts battle standing in our way on the way to the Superbowl.

Damn that was long-winded. I’ll keep everything else a little shorter. I think the best storyline is Pats D v. LT. Reason being that I think this is the key to victory for the Pats. Schottenheimer’s not gonna out-coach us and Rivers isn’t going to outperform Brady in the playoffs. He may be JUST good enough for the Bolts to win… but I’ll be shocked if he outperforms Moynihan’s ex-beau.

Lastly, I would suplex a kitten to see the proverbial smackdown Rodney and Seau would lay on the Chargers players. Rodney might even be healthy enough to play but unfortunately Belichick is being his usual tight-lipped self. I usually enjoy this little routine because it fucks with the whiney member’s of the Boston media (I’m looking your way Dan Shaughnessy), however Rodney’s presence is so important to our run D, being completely in the dark on this one is getting me a little antsy in my pantsies.

Here’s a question for you- what kind of mind games and tomfoolery do you think we whip out for the Bolts? We used a lion’s share of no-huddle offense and short outside passes against the Jets. Same plan against the Lights Out D of the Chargers?

Alex: THATS WHAT I"M TALKING ABOUT!!!! great email right down to Olson Cookies....
See, i do think the Chargers have a weakness and thy name be Phillp Rivers.
Last time we faced a rookie QB also happened to be the same year we knocked off a no. 1 ranked team in the AFC....the 15-1 Pittsburgh Steelers and Big Ben Roethlisfuck.

in a way....the Chargers and those Steelers are similar....rookie QBS leading number 1 ranked teams......remember that iRoethlisberger pretty much coasted on a run-first offense that dominated the clock and a physical blitzing defense..... and when the pats rolled into town, we out-physicled them on defense and offense, breaking their will with clock killin' corey dillon.

i always look at the teams we play and try to compare them to teams we played in the past. in my opinion we've never played a more physcial defense thent that Steelers team in '04. on offense, nothing will ever beat that '01 Rams team of MVP Warner. WR Isaac Bruce and RB Marshall Faulk........when you put it those terms.....this charger team isnt any more physical than that Steelers team, and their Offense isnt nearly as good.

you said that the toughest team we've ever played is the Broncos....while i agree that our record shows that the toughest team to play us i s the the broncos...last year we totally beat ourselves in uncharacteristic form.....brad threw a pick to Bailey in the endzone, vinatieri missed an early FG attempt, and Troy Brown dropped a CRUCIAL punt return for a turnover.....

our gameplan? i think they can stack the blocks and send guys in....i think the point of the attack is Phil Rivers.....heavy blitzes and collapsing pocket + heavy pressure = high turnovers....Rivers has to be that chink in the armor that we focus on.....kudos to the Chargers if they can get a couple passes downfield, but their WR weapons arent all that much better than ours...and they dont have Brady....

simple things like chipping LaDainian can go a long way to disrupt timing i think....Tomlinson is probably as dynamic as Faulk and as physical a runner as a Jerome Bettis....and THEN there's Michael Turner. but again...Phil Rivers will touch the ball every time in that game....and the Pats lock it down in the red zone, im sure they'd concede the length of the field if they can consistentaly force Schottenheimstien to only put up 3's.

if you had to compare San Diego to any teams who would you compare them to?

Scott: I like the comparison to the Steelers and Rivers to Roethlisbunghole (right now, I think Rivers is better and has more potential, but after Big Bennifer’s recent seasons, hindsight is 20/20). The only factor of this game that I have ZERO certainty about is the impact MVPLT will have on the game. I’d like to think he’s going to run all over us, but we’ll be able to damage control just enough to prevent him from killing us… but you never know. Past games he’s played against us I don’t specifically recall him OWNING us, but his stats indicate otherwise and so does the Win/Loss column. I don’t care if he pulls in a 200 total yard game, as long as he doesn’t kill us with any timely, back breaking, 80 yard runs or tricky TD passes. One encouraging note with regards to the Marshall Faulk comparison is that the Rams had a much more dynamic and complicated offensive gameplan than the Chargers seem to have.

I MEANT that the Broncos have been the toughest team for THIS Pats squad to defeat. While we did beat ourselves in last year’s playoff game against the Broncos (hell also froze over) every game we have played against Shanahannahannahannahan’s team in recent history felt like we got out-coached. Just one humble Barker’s perception… nothing more, nothing less.

The problem with heavy blitzes on Rivers is that we unnecessarily leave ourselves susceptible to their less-than-amazing WRs and the ever-versatile RB. I like to think Brainy Bill will try to disguise coverages at the line and throw some zone blitzes in to test Rivers’ progression reading skills. Also, I can’t stress enough how big of an impact having Rodney back would make on this game- Big tackles against their run game and a deceitfully good coverage guy on the same side of the ball that Gates will be lining up on. Injury report is being released after practice today… my nuts are sweaty with anticipation.

One thing I want to bring up
(Disclaimer: Blatant Patriots bukkake to follow)
I can’t get over how much this team steps up in the Playoffs. The extent to which they seem to play dead at times in the regular season only to jump back to life in the playoffs, makes me completely giddy. Bruschi, who seemed to be showing his age at times this season, was all over the field. When the Patriots were on D, you could bet your bottom dollar (I don’t even really know what that means) that Bruschi was in on the play somehow. I just love that the hunger is still there after three championships- it’s natural for teams to lose this hunger (See: Steelers this year) and yet we’ve somehow managed to avoid that. The front 7 played bigger last week than they have all season- if we can play like we did last week in addition to keeping the ball out of LT’s hands by forcing other guys to turn the ball over, I would say we’re Andre the Giant heavy favorites… but those are big if’s.

Alex: thats exactly why this team is such a privelage to follow and how i feel BAD for all those Pats haters. its natural to hate teams that win, and do it in non flash style....it seems like the Sean Salisburys and Mark Schlereths of the world have wised up to whats going in in Foxboro but for fans that dont get to see what we see...its sad.....pure fans of the game of football would love this team.....

my uncle mike floated a possible thoery that Belicheck was intentionally holding his cards back during the regular season to limit the recon work that teams could do come playoff team....and when you think about it....remember that Indy game when EVERYONE and their granmama larry johnson KNEW that we should run Dillon and Maroney all up in that Indy ass....and yet we didnt.....that conspiracy thoery is starting to make more sense---i feel like we still haven unleashed the true fury of our running attack....Belicheck has been playing a game i like to call "just the tip" ...to see if it feels nice.....it makes more sense anyway than Belicheck not knowing how to exploit the Indy Run D......

another note about our aging squad.....its truly amazing to see how just PURE football instincts can keep you playing great football....Troy Brown is my favorite example...followed by Willie McG....Bruschi will no doubt follow suit......i'm trying to think of some baseball players who were able to hang around simply on instinct.....Kenny Lofton? Jim Edmonds? Tom Glavine? In basketball Sam Cassell and Jason Kidd are at the top of that list......they've got that crazy court-vision (i miss that LeBron commercial)

top "instinct" athletes of all time....thats a good top 10 list right there.....

the other part of the "Aging" Pats theory is that its never been one man show...its trust in the system and trust in each other.....assembly line style. do your one part...dont waiver in it. and become an unstoppable force....its amazing that Shanahan has somehow found a way around it...

Scott: Yeah good point in your first paragraph, but at the same time, I’m try to be cautious about getting caught up in our New England hype sometimes. We have to remember that we love them because they’re our team. I try really hard not to give them TOO much credit all the time, but they make it hard not to love them… kinda like Cameron Diaz. For example- I would hate the haymaker Bill Belichick threw on that Globe cameraman last weekend if I wasn’t a Pats fan. But I AM a Pats fan… I DO own every Patriots Superbowl DVD ever created and I HAVE read two different books on the coaching styles of Billy B. So instead I almost celebrate it because he just wanted to get to Mangini, show him some love and squash the beef so badly, that he threw a haymaker at an old dude. Belichick is Archie Bunker-like. He’s a grumpy old bastard, but if you spend enough time with him, his predictable grouchiness makes him affable to a certain degree.

I laughed out loud at the “just the tip” comment… but here’s another thing you can’t forget. Chemistry has gotten stronger as the season’s gone on- especially with Brady and the receivers. Speaking of which, I really hope we stop relying on Watson until he ditches the “hands in the Country Crock” pre-game routine. He’s a freak of nature with naturally soft hands, but he makes me nervous. Not sure if he doesn’t have it mentally, or what, but he fucks up way too often. At this point David Thomas seems like a better option as a receiving tight-end in the playoffs where mistakes are magnified like drama on a reality TV show.

Any toop instinct athlete of all-time list has to include John Stockton and Greg Maddux. As for Jason Kidd, I watched part of the Nets game last night and you could practically hear his knees creaking (Maybe Joumana pulled a Nancy Kerrigan on him), yet he still managed to rip apart the opposing defense like a wet ticket stub.

You bring up the aging pats theory and the consistency of the system vs. the individual player and I agree with you, but I still think we should be willing to pay for Asante . He does tend to jump early on balls for the sake of the pick sometimes which allows him to get beat, but seeing him develop before my very eyes, I feel like he’s capable of way too much to let him slip to the Jets or other top-bidder. It’s no mistake that he shares the league lead for intercepts with Champ Bailey. Also he’s still a young buck…. Let’s lock him up for a few years so I can safely buy a defensive back’s jersey without worrying about losing him to free-agency (Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy).

If you could improve the Pats’ (healthy) roster at one position, what would it be? WR is the obvious choice. Besides that I really have to rack my brain to think of a position player I’m unhappy with.

TO BE CONTINUED........

AFC Wild Card - Pats vs. Jets: Its the Pats to lose

2007-01-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

Those last few weeks of the NFL were really kinda awful werent they?
With the AFC basically figured out since Thanksgiving we were force-fed NFC mediocrity for 5 STRAIGHT WEEKS....!! The Bears have been sleepwalking since Mid-October, The Saints spanked Dallas, and locked up 2nd place three weeks ago....what else is there??

So Tad doesn't get upset, I will admit that the improbable runs of the Eagles (Donovan doesnt deserve it, but man, do their fans) Titans (Super-Vince)....And to lesser extents, the Bills and 49ers for making legit strides in what could have been lost years....

Thank god its over. With my baseball tunnel-vision i almost forgot how exciting the NFL playoffs are, especially when theres 2 GAMES per night on National TV!

To recap the Pats Season:
This season saw more key dynasty componants split Foxboro than any year previous---The Deion Branch holdout, and the crowned-king of clutch Adam Vinatieri's lowballing headlined an offseason that also sawWillie McGinest, David Givens leave town......oh, and dont forget our cherub-faced Defensive Coorinator, Eric Mangini....

The 12-4 record is a pretty accurate litmus test of the Pats season....with highlights being a dominanting win in Cincinnati, a dominating Monday Night win in Minnesota and convincing win against the NFL's creme de la creme, the Chicago Bears.

The lowlights....?
-the only blowout all year, to the Dolphins in a 0-21 drubbing where Brady was on his ass more often than Gilberts Grapes Mom.
-An upset at home by the Jets.
-Our first back-to-back-losses in 3 YEARS.
-A 4-game stretch where we couldnt hold onto the ball, couldnt play penalty free ball, couldnt protect our golden QB.
-The aformentioned departures, and then subsequent introduction of our cast of C-team wide-recievers. Jabbar Gaffney, i'm looking at you.

When you look at the best teams in the AFC and see the Pats up there with 12 wins...it really does impress you to think what the dynasty core (Bruschi, Brady, Seymour, Dillon, Vrabel, Assante, Troy Brown) was capable of.

To put it comparitively, this version of the Pats is like the recent incarnation of the Cardinals, defnitely the weakest of the past 4-5 years, but one that could literally muscle its way through the some of the younger and inexperianced teams in the AFC.

The Jets recieved a season of gravy with their 10-6 record. Mangini made a below average team into a very solid NFL team by making them mentally disciplined and emphasizing execution and patience. They're future is very right. This weekend, they just dont have the raw talent.

How is Jets v. Patriots III going to shake down?

As a Pats fan, I've heard the "they just dont have the talent" line many times.
Discipline, Patience and Mental Toughness (and opporutunism) and a Physical Defense got the Pats past Oakland and Pittsburgh and St.Louis in the superbowl in '01 and past the Co-MVPS McNair and Manning in '03

And the fact is, you can win 80 percent of your games on that type of discipline alone.

Thats how the Jets have been beating teams with some consistency this year. They hang around, and hang around until you make the first mistake. Its fairly foolproof plan. And its one that could seriously turn the tides of this weekends game because discipline and week-to-week consistency has been one of the Pats chief issues.
Pennington needs to at least ATTEMPT chuck a few wounded ducks and test our only defensive chink in the secondary (sans Rodney Harrison) they need to keep Brady off the field and keep the clock moving.

THe Pats need get the lead early, score first, and set the tone that Pats football in November aint NOTHING like Pats football in January. They need to impose their will will. The Jets will be very focused, looking to dig in. once they do, they wont let go. The Pats need to be agressive, and yet not commit turnovers. Its gotta be a clean game for the Pats. The only way the Pats can lose to the Jets is if they beat themselves. I remember last year at Denver too well. Good teams will capitalize off turnovers. There's no margin of error this year. Vinatieri isnt walking in with 5 seconds on the clock.

I only believe in homefield advantage in Arrowhead stadium, whereever the Seahawks play. Weather and field conditions mean a whole lot more to me. That being said, the Field at Foxboro is way better shape than it was a a mont and a half ago.

Its the Pats to lose.
Pats 24, Jets 16

-alex

The Best PG-Rated Movie Pound-4-Pound: A Class all its own

2007-01-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

A little over a year ago (When i started my "Best Movies Pound-for-Pound" blog series...I cruised through the G rating with relative ease, knowing i'd predictably end up somewhere among the Disney Canon of Films...I did, eventually settling on Aladdin, and citing its action, romance, as-dark-as-you-can-get-away-with G-rated drama, catchy-ass musical numbers and arguably the best voice performance in an animated movie by Robin Williams as the Genie. Aladdin. The choice was about as controversial as an episode of "Leave it to Beaver"

But next on the docket PG.

Sometime last year on a return to trip to Rochester, with my Pound for Pound Best Movies at the forefront of my thoughts, I had to get some outside advice from one of the resident wise men at RIT, a man who spouts truths with conviction and a frankness that would make Jude Judy seem like Judge Pussy-Ass Older Lady in a black robe.

That man was Josh Brown. I went to Brown confdent that he'd have some kind of new spin, some crazy Josh Brown insight that could help me as I tackle the world of PG movies. Any help to possibly whittle down the playing field would be needed.

First thing he said:
"Weekend at Bernies has titty in it! hoo-hoo!"

I was speechless.

"Weekend at Bernies....has titty?"

Bare breasted females in a PG movie?? Is that possible?
Of course its possible...in rare matters of extreme importance, when my not only my reputation as a blogger, but as pop culture enthusiast and celebrity nudity connisieur are called into question KNOW THIS......

....Popkin does his homework.

As always I'll sum up the link above...apparently throughout the late '60s until the late '80s the Motion Picture Association of Ammerica's (MPAA) rating system was a complete clusterfuck. The orginal ratings of G, M and R were confusing parents.

To make things worse, MPAA fucked up the entire 70's mis-rating movies badly. So much so, it became commonplace for films like 1967 G-rated film "The Battle of Britain" to get-away with British profanity like "arse", "shite-hawk" and my personal favorite...."silly bitch." (The movie also featured had a fighter pilot get burned alive in cockpit--something for the whole family!) Also noteworthy, The Oscar nominated "Midnight Cowboy"starring Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman recieved an unbelievable "X-Rating." I've seen it, trust me late night BET booty videos get away with more.

The MPAA continued royally screwing G movies and PG movies right up to 1978, where the last mega-marketed movie to mistakenly recieve a "G" rating was Star Trek: The Movie.
This revelation may possibly explain why there arent any Trekkies under the age of 35.

Fast foward to 1984 and there is STILL no middle ground rating between PG and R.
So you can imaging parents' delight when took their 7-8 year old kid to see "Raiders of the Lost Ark", only to find a camp of Nazi's getting melted, a big bald nazi diced up in an airplane propeller and Alfred Molina (as Indy's sidekick in the opening credits) take a booby-trapped spike through the forehead. Dee-licious!

When parents started to bitch about "Gremlins" being too violent, Steven Spielberg suggested an intermediate rating of PG-13.....DUHHHH......
By 1990 the kinks were beginning to work themselves out....and yet there were instances like "Big", "Beetlejuice"--- both late 1980s popular mainstream PG releases that contained "fuck" in their dialogue.

The earliest PG-13 movies I remember being allowed to see was Batman Returns ('92) and Jurassic Park ('93) And yes, there were some legitimately desturbing things for 12-year old Alex Popkin. I dont know if i ever truly understood "Finkle is Einhorn" or "Your gun is digging into my hip"
And I REALLY didnt understand why Dumb and Dumber was so great until I saw it again in high school.

As my rambling thesis above sloppily stated, The PG movie is just in this class of its own. Its "Poltergeist" and its also "Earnest Goes to Jail." its "Jaws" and its "My Girl 2." It can be brief nudity or it can be Macauly Culkin being left alone on x-mas. Truly a class all its own.

Did I wait nearly a full calender year to make my pick because of the sordid, seedy history of the PG Rating that I knew would inherently going to fuck with me? No, of course not, we at The Male Perspective are a seedy bunch ourselves, replete with laziness and procrastination. But I love this topic more than any of the other blogs that i've half-completed! And so does Dave Hare!

And at the very least, I know what I'm dealing with now.
I now present, (a year in the making) the greatest PG movie ever pound-for-pound:

To restate my criteria from before:

Judgement of a film upon will be based on the quality of: comedy, drama, action, writing, acting, directing, music (not soundtrack), violence and nudity.
DO NOT CONSIDER THE P4P GREATNESS OF A GIVEN FILM BASED ON: hisortical/popculture relevence and/or significance, box office grosses, academy awards or SOUNDTRACK.

To truly be the best PG movie P4P, it needed to cram the most possible amount of AWESOME action, comedy, romance into its package....a movie so good that it could truly be considered one of the greatest all time, if only it could show a little skin, or even drop an F bombstein or a "silly bitch" now and then.....

Right of the bat I know my major players...and they read like a who's who of the greatest box office hits of all time. I feel they fall into two catagories....

"The without-a-question-rated PG-13-if-they-were made-today-bracket":
The Original Star Wars Trilogy of A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Raiders of the Lost Ark etc

"The True PG Movies":
E.T., Back to the Future, Rocky, Goonies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit...etc...

It doesnt seem fair to include PG-13 guys at all....an analogy if you will:
its like allowing 16 year old kid with a wispy moustache play in the Little League World Series. Everyone knows he's 16....but when he immigrated to USA, his parents fudged his birth certificate......sure its not his fault he got to play and thus dominate the competition.....but does that really make it a fair fight??

you know the answer. we have to play by the rules, even if they are mine, and i get to make them in any ways i want. I cant allow movies with that extra violence and other goodies a crack at the PG title due to technicality.however they will be allowed to play in their rightful bracket.....

Back to my pick...

I really only included E.T. because I knew somone would throw it out at me. Personally I hate E.T. I was shown the movie waaay too early in life and now I have a complex. I also had to eat off this E.T. dish that my Nana had and SHE KNEW I HATED E.T! E.T. you do not belong.

Anyone that knows me very well, knows the role that Back to the Future has played in my life. Its the number 1 inside joke between me and my sister. Its the greatest random rainy Saturday movie of all time in any space-time-continuum. Does it have enough.....? I dont even think I know any more.....all i see is pure brilliance. We've got a complex love story. We've got great action. Laughs all over the place. So damn quotable. Special Effects were kicked up a notch because of this movie.

Not choosing BTTF is very tough to stomach.

I cant give the nod to Ghostbusters because it has everything that BTTF has.....only it isnt quite well-rounded enough in the mass appeal department, particularly in "female-viewership." I just dont know any women that love Ghostbusters the same way that Aladdin is loved.

"Who Framed Roger Rabbit" is one of those rare, rare movies that were SO influential in the filmmaking world, something that is so much more than just "cartoons" and "humans" and yet, in 2007, its doesnt have that reputation....the film was groundbreaking, not just because Donald and Daffy share the same space for the first and only time in history.....but it created a world where cartoons and humans actually lived together.....and it worked. I could be very satisfied with this pick if it wasnt for.....

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

My dark horse pick, "The Princess Bride" takes the top prize.
Some will think me a lunatic.....but this movie literally has it all.

A spectacular flop when it was released in 1987, The Princess Bride found life on cable t.v. and then video.....this is the absolute treasure of treasures. The movie parodied fairy tales before parodying fairy tales was en vogue. If it feels like a Mel Brooks "Spaceballs" comedy, thats because Wesley aka the man in black aka Cary Elwes appeared in Robin Hood: Men in Tights....and largely pilfers his "suave englishman mixed with zorro" performance in that movie from Princess Bride.

The princess bride never lets itself get to serious....as soon as the romance gets too thick....Fred Savage's grandson pulls us back to reality and mockingly spurts whats on all our minds: "is this a kissing book??"

The book-inside-the-movie is just too smart, too clever to be denied. It doesnt need F-Bombs or full-frontal to make it any better. The performances are just too spot-on. Somehow every member of the cast knew the tone of the movie they were making.

Through all the swordfighting, kidnapping, miracle maxing, six-fingered-man revenging is the underlying theme to the movie. True Love. True Love of all things!! It doesnt really surprise me that this movie flopped during its first run in theaters. How do you market this movie to kids, teens and adults? If you solely take the romance, comedy or action route you're completely alienating some demographic and your basically neutering a movie that thrives on the fact thats its equal parts love and laffs....

Its all packaged, written, directed, acted and delivered in such a unique and wonderfully entertaining way, that 10 minutes in, you'll forget that the best PG Movie Pound For Pound has the word "Princess" in the title.

-alex

Bitchin' 'bout Bas'eba'll (volume 8, chapter 6)

2006-12-15T14:20:00.000-05:00

So it’s been 3 years since the last time I wrote something. Big Whoop. Wanna fight about it? Now, Douglas Time Warner cable has valiantly relit the fuse on the THMP dynamite, which fizzled and blew out months ago. I’m easily inspired and even more easily lulled to back to sleep, but I’ve had a good bunch of things on my mind grapes lately and I can only hope I’ve got the will to write them down before I start gazing out the window again (by the way, a bird just shat on the roof of the building next to mine).

Anyway, loyal followers of the THuMP will not only realize that we’ve begun writing again, but know full well how deeply in love with baseball we are. Warner gave a great synopsis of his heart and soul: the Boston Red Sox and their 2007 outlook. While I’m equally excited about the shape of my Philadelphia Phillies, I don’t expect the nation in which our readers inhabit to care one way or another about it. And to our sole Canadian reader who found our blog by accident, don’t feel shunned. I care about you too big guy. The point is, I feel like the nation cares not of baseball teams outside of their own city, Boston, and New York. Often, they’ve convinced themselves their city IS Boston or New York when it is in fact Akron, Ohio. This boils my blood, as the classic Boston v. New York rivalry has turned into a sloppy Joe circus show, often with clowns. While I just want baseball to be baseball, I also can’t help but notice all the happenings and goings on, as they are entertaining and well…important. These teams make the biggest moves. You can’t pretend they’re not there. Therefore, I will talk about them because as many diehard fans do, I’ve been thinking about baseball in December.

Daisuke Matsuzaka. Why do I know how to spell that? Well maybe because people have been talking about this guy like he’s the Japanese Walter Johnson. I have no idea whether this is true, but it’s caused enough stir to make these major teams I mentioned duke it out with millions of dollars just to talk to him. I have to tell you, I would be uncomfortable having organizations spend 50 million dollars to meet with me. This is because, first of all it’s absurd. The idea that sports teams have that kind of money to throw around is laughable, though my belly is not jiggling. Second of all, being stuck in the mystical identity of a god-like ballplayer from a far off land has got to give you ulcers. How can you expect to fully satisfy people? You enter into the biggest rivalry in sports with no MLB experience and very little English and are expected to outperform any famous or heroic pitcher in recent memory of the past few generations. I think I’d rather be Papelbon, thanks. The best you can do as Matsuzaka is maybe come close to fulfilling this legend laid out for you in full detail, which is nearly impossible these days, what with the AL’s heavy hitters and their lousy DH rules. You can’t call a Nolan Ryan anymore. Not in this sport. And if he pitches no-hitters and wins 25 games, he’ll only get a satisfied Boston response because in those two aforementioned cities, your hype is your requirement and you’re only a machine to make trophies.

Ok, if he pitches multiple no-hitters and wins 25 games in a season, that’ll be pretty fuckin’ amazing. And while I’m reeling back my fishing rod of bitterness and disdain, I should also mention that $52 million dollars is not as heavy as it sounds when you’re letting the bank hold it. Still, it would be nice for more hyped “should-be-superstars” to start rising from farmclubs and smalltown ball. If Papelbon takes the Red Sox to the World Series, he’ll be a hero. If Matsuzaka does it, he’ll be a financial success story and a wink from the GM. I’m sorry Daisuke, there’s no room for over-performing already. You’ll never be underrated. You owe Boston immortal statistics and you haven’t even been to camp yet. Sorry dude, it’s rough being mysterious. By the way, can I borrow 20 million dollars…..if you…you know, if you have it on you.

I was going to talk about the New York Yankees moves, but I’m already shocked at the amount of words on this blog already, so I’ll try to quickly summarize. Yankees: you cannot buy a World Series anymore. The Marlins can, but you cannot. You haven’t even been to the ALCS in like 3 years. People in the Bronx have already started jumping off balconies with your failure to payroll ratio. Pettite is old. Randy Johnson is old. If you get Roger Clemens, he will finally realize he is old and play like shit. Mussina is old. Players you spend 100 million dollars on are bound to slump or get injured. You may feel the need to throw more money on the fire to keep warm, but by the end of the season, you are back to throwing players and coaches on the fire and reaching for more money. I know it’s a way of life in New York and now in Boston, so there’s no reason or way to stop, but you embarrass baseball as a national pastime.

I want to give a shout out for Ryan Howard (not to Ryan Howard, unless he reads our blog, which after short deliberation, I've decided that he most likely does). Phillies’ first MVP in 20 years. Philly’s very proud. Taddy’s very proud.

SIDEBAR: Warner, I am very close to actually completing my very own stick of chapstick in its entirety. I have never done this, but I can finally be a part of the famed club with legendary members like Peter Palumbo and Entry to be named later. Also, I’ve witness myself complete the entire use of a pen’s ink over a very long period of time, which I don’t think I’ve done before. Simple accomplishments. Simple pleasures. Feels great.

We have fun though, don’t we kids?

SNT - Saturday Night Taped?

2006-12-11T09:49:00.000-05:00

We all know that SNL is no longer funny. When your best and most seasoned cast member is Darrell Hammond, you know you have a major problem. Its gotten to the point where I can't believe that Will Ferrell and Mike Myers were ever part of such a terrible show. Of course when they were on it was the balls, but its hard to remember those glory days. Now we're clamoring for them to bring back Horatio Sanz and Tim Meadows. Sad.

Because the sketch writing and Weekend Update portions of the show have become so bad, the writers have been relying more and more on TV Funhouse sketches, digital shorts (such as "Lazy Sunday"), and now recut movie trailers. These are without a doubt the funniest parts of each week's show. I'd be fine with this, if the title wasn't Saturday Night LIVE. You always had the fake commercials that weren't live, but its really getting out of hand with the pretaped material.

Maybe there will be some hotshot comedian who vows to save the show in the next couple of seasons. Who knows. Anyhow, here is an actually funny trailer for Mel Gibson's Apocolypto from this Saturday's show. It has been recut with some hillarious subtitles. Check it out.

Embarassing Study...

2006-12-08T14:56:00.000-05:00

I have to aplogize in advance to our male readers who happen to live in India. It turns out your penis is probably 3 to 5 centimeters shorter than the international standards for regular sized condoms. This is tragically embarassing. Imagine gettin all hot and heavy and passionately ripping open a condom, only to have your jimmy fit as snugly as a hot dog in a ziploc bag. The women would constantly stop in fear that it fell off, while the man is perenially hoping it will fall ON. While this is decidely not funny in regards to the possible spread of sexual disease as a result, it was too intriguing to not mention. Here's the link.

New Look Red Sox 2007 Lineup

2006-12-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

So we've just surrendered 106 million dollars to JD Drew and Julio Lugo. Not something I am greatly proud of. However, these bats coupled with keeping Manny Ramirez provide a tantalyzing looking lineup. I just wanted to write it down to see how I feel.

1. Julio Lugo - SS
2. Kevin Youkilis - 1B
3. David Ortiz - DH
4. Manny Ramirez - LF
5. J.D. Drew - RF
6. Mike Lowell - 3B
7. Jason Varitek - C
8. Coco Crisp - CF
9. Dustin Pedroia - 2B

We most definetly have OBP on lock down. Last year when Youkilis/Loretta filled out the top 2 spots in the lineup, the OBP was there, but the speed element was lost. Now, we have the best of both worlds. That 1-5 really excites me and I'd put it up against other team. We also have the nice little every other righty/lefty thing that makes it so hard for other teams to make pitching changes. Still, I wish we had a more powerful prototype 1B with 30+ home run pop. But you can't have it all. Who knows, maybe this is the year that Wily Mo breaks out.

Offseason Offensive Grade: A- (Assuming they keep Manny)

Here is the tentative pitching rotation.
1. Curt Schilling
2. Daisuke Matsusaka
3. Josh Beckett
4. Jonathan Papelbon
5. Tim Wakefield
6. Jon Lester

While I've never seen D-Mat throw a pitch, its easy to get caught up in the hype.
My biggest concern is the lack of a lefty starter (save for Lester). Also, all of the pitchers are power types, with the exception of Wakefield, so my guess is that Tito will end up putting Wake somewhere in the middle of the rotation, to switch things up in a series. D-Mat, Beckett, Lester and Papelbon are all 26 or younger, making for a bright future. We also have a number of prospects (The Killer B's: Bowden, Buckholz, Bard). Who are all probably 3 years away. The future of this rotation looks good assuming that Pap doesn't suck as a starter and Beckett starts pitching smarter.

Offseason Rotation Grade: B+ (if they sign D-Mat)

Here is the potential bullpen.
Closer: Eric Gagne
Setup: Mike Timlin
RH - Julian Tavarez
RH - Craig Hansen
RH - Manny Delcarmen
RH - Kyle Snyder
LH - Javier Lopez
LH - Craig Breslow
LH - Hideki Okajima

Gagne would be cool to get, but he has many many question marks. Timlin looked really bad at times last year. Hansen and Delcarmen failed to fulfill their promise. Snyder and Lopez has flashes of brilliance, but they are no more than journymen. I like Breslow. Okajima is unproven. Too many question marks for something that should have been priority number one, after our bullpen blew ass last year. There isn't a lot available via free agency either. It will be interesting to see how people develop and how Theo and the gang piece this one together as the offseason drags on.
Offseason Bullpen Grade: D

Overall Offseason Grade (as of 12/5): B-

Zed Gets DUI

2006-12-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I am a big sucker for celebrity mugshots. I guess its seeing people who are usually in pounds of make up, looking like absolute wrecks. Or maybe its that usually they have a shit eating grin as if to say "I have enough money to pay good enough lawyers to get me off, so FUCK you cop and FUCK you camera...CHEESE MUTHAFUCKAH." Well, I was pleased to find this delightful shot of 75-year-old Rip Torn, better known as Zed from the Men In Black movies. It appears he was driving home from an intergalactic kegger, when he was arrested for DUI. This should be the prototype mugshot for mess/smartass look. Check it.

*Link*

Cool Guy Constanza

2006-12-04T12:06:00.000-05:00

Okay. We've all heard about Kramer's racist tirade. The worst part about it is that Seinfeld: Season 7 DVD sales are up 70% since his act of bigotry. I guess they are right when they say that any press is good press.

Well I am going to attempt to bring Seinfeld sales back down to where they should be with this next clip. It is a pre-Seinfeld Jason Alexander in his coolest 80's rolled up jacket, pitching the new McDonalds McDLT. Thats right. They were this excited about adding cold lettuce and tomato to a burger. Hadn't this idea been around for a really, really long time before the release of this commercial? And most importantly, look at all that hair! It's gotta be a rug. I digress. Here is the commercial in all its hokey 80's glory.

Word Fail Me...

2006-12-04T11:57:00.000-05:00

I know the PS3 is a hot commodity. I know this. But it still disturbs me that someone has bid a thousand dollars already for a system that may have been touched by this Teen Wolf's bits and pieces. Check out the auction on eBay.

Worst Artists Ever??

2006-12-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

I just stumbled upon this list of the 50 Worst Acts in Musical history. There are some bold picks on the list, including many of our favorite one-hit wonders. Still, they've done a pretty nice job of picking the clowns in music history. I am paticularly impressed they chose Mick Jagger. Granted, they were referring to his solo career, but I maintain that he is an absolute joke, with or without his band. Check the list out for yourself.

For those tired of Crispin Glover.

2006-11-27T12:39:00.000-05:00

I know its been about 4 months since our last post, but I warned you of this at the beginning. The inspiration to blog comes and goes like Kevin Costner's popularity. Ziiiiing. Anyhow, I just found this online and I simply had to post it. The clip shows an enthusiastic Nintendo Wii fan waiting in line the purchase the next-gen gaming system. It also brought me to a realization. I used to collect all the best links I found online and post them in the wildly popular Monday List of Awesomeness. I plan to now post these links as I find them, so that you, the reader, have more fresh content on a daily basis. Lets collectively breath some life into the sleeping giant that is The Honest Male Perspective. Here is the clip that's gonna get it all started again.

2006-08-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Crispin Glover on Letterman

I saw this clip a long time ago, but it was before YouTube was around to share such wonderous things. It is Crispin Glover aka George McFly aka Thin Man aka Willard in an early Letterman interview. It should be studied in high schools as an example of the affects of acid. Its great to see Letterman genuinely freaked out. This also may be the first time Paul had nothing to say. Gloriously awkward. Check it.

2006-08-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

Van Damm On the Dance floor

Old friend Jake just sent me this rediculous clip of Jean Claude Van Damm wooing the ladies with some Fred Estaire-like dance moves. Then all hell breaks loose and Jean Claude partakes in perhaps the slowest fight scene of all time. I would just like to know movies like these were ever released. The worst part is that they were supposed to be cool and badass. If they were released as campy and idiotic (like they are doing with Snakes on a Plane), then it would be fine. But they actually wanted to be cool. Just nuts. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the film.

SAVE OUR SOX

2006-08-07T11:32:00.000-05:00

***Writers Note: For optimal enjoyment, this blog is best read on Monday August 7th, and before the start of the Red Sox/Royals game 8 ET on Tuesday.***

What a gloriously AWFUL day for an off day in Red Sox Nation.Completely choking away an 4-run lead (not to mention the rubber game) to a Devil Rays squad that while continuously improving, and VASTLY undderrated offensively, were ASKING to be beaten after walking the bases loaded in the 5th and following up with a bases loaded BB for good measure. What a stinker.

If your looking for silver linings, warmth, dandilions and kittens...please skip the next few paragraphs and scroll straight to the bottom.
BUT if you'd like to be in on some August 7th pissing and moaning, continue at your liesure.

Since the ALL-STAR BREAK the Sox are 12-13, having lost series' to the A's, Mariners, Angels, Devil Rays and Indians (I consider it a lost series, technically we split, with the wins only due to miraculous comebacks, and even THAT was only a result of 2 Fausto Carmona meltdowns in the 9th inning)

Speaking of said comebacks....was anyone else dissapointed to see that there has been no momementum carryover to this Devil Rays series?? We had 2 walk offs! Sure that next game Schilling guts out a tremendous win the next day...but all this "win one, lose one" crap after HUGE wins!? I hate to bring up the word "urgency" one week into August....but just get ready folks, in 2 more weeks, if we're still playing this way, your gonna hear that U word all the time....

If you take out our '06 best 12-game win streak where took a steaming poo on the National League east, our team looks wholly mediocre.

There's nearly 2 full months of Ball to be Played.
Everybody goes through injuries. With the Tigers and the Yankees headed our way in 2 weeks, we will find out what this team is made of.

Like I said, this off-day comes at a horrible time. Just a full day to sit, and analyze all the ways your team hasnt come through.

1. We're Not Beating Inferior Teams-
Kansas City is the ugly drunk hookup you had in college. Yeah, it helps your confidence, but you arent gonna go bragging about it to your buddies. Its like we are expecting teams in a pennant race to just lay down for us. Seattle should have been a pushover...The Oakland A's? They are 6 games over .500. Sometimes you run into a Jared Weaver, or a C.C. Sabathia or a Felix Hernandez and theres little you can do about it....it makes all those other games we lost that much more important. Its not fun to crap on the bad teams, but thats what the good teams do. They beat the teams they should beat. End of story. We arent doing that.

2. Our Bullpen Cant Bridge the Gap-
Props to the DelCarmen's and Hansens of the world for pitching above their heads since June...but when we are anxiously looking foward to the return of David Wells and Keith Foulke to step in and stop the bleeding...we're in trouble. With Timiin giving up homers faster than Josh Beckett, we are down to ONE, count'em one reliable relief pitcher. Papelbon.

3. Our 4-5th Starters Is a Constant Shuffle-
We flat out dont have either right now. I've mentioned David Wells like 3 times and im about to mention him 5 more.....this season should not rest on the large man-breasts of David Wells. I hate knocking Matt Clement. But this has been a bad signining. Flat out. He was 3rd prize in the '04 offseason and we are feeling that big time now.

4. Julian Tavarez is the least liked Red Sox since Carl Everett.

To Recap: we sign Taverez. We hear all about his craziness, phone-punching, super meltdowns, league fines, suspensions and his Freddy Kreuger viscage. Red Sox Nation lets out a collective groan. In Tavarez' 1st game as Sox, Big Julian covers home for a play at the plate. After tagging out the runner, Taverez inexplicably decides to step on the runner, Joey Gathrights arm, in defense Gathright shoves Taverez's leg off his arm. Taverez takes it personal as a personal affront, and decides it'd be a good idea to throw the girliest sucker-punch at Gathright as he begins to stand up.

Red Sox nation lets out a collective "maybe he can channel his craziness into good pitching?"

Fast foward to the season, Tavarez blows many leads in relief, and pretty much taking every opportunity to suck, mixing in one good appearance ever 4 weeks or so just to piss us off more.

Taverez you look like pure evil with pop marks. You have a rediculously short temper. And you suck at pitching. You are the reason "Booing was invented" and no, they arent saying "Yooooouk." They are booing.

Silver Lining Time!

Kyle Snyder - Who is this guy?? Where did he come from?? No way we even SNIFF a win (after Fatty Wells dropped us into a sizeable hole on Monday's game vs CLEVELAND) if not for Snyder's 4 1/3 innings of 1-hit relief. This kids curveball has looked LEGITIMATELY good since day one of his first Spot Start. By no means is he the second coming of Cy Young...but he can pitch...Keep staying under the radar Mr. SNyder....its working for you....

Jason Johnson -
the man had his first quality start since his arrival from the scrapheap.
He pounded the strike zone and kept the sinker down. this desperation pickup may stick to the wall after all.

David Wells- we got fatty Wells back. Technically is just like getting a Trade Deadline pitcher for free. He may win half his starts he may win a third of his starts. At this point we just need arms. And Wells has two chubby ones.

Working Counts: During yesterday's 5th innin walk-fest where D-rays pitching loaded up the bases and walked in a run, it was good to see the Sox making pitchers work to throw strikes. Againstin the Indians, after Crisp and Wily Mo whiffed on 7 combined pitches, Mirabelli and Youkilis had classic atbats against Carmona. They wore the rookie down. Maybe one of my favorite running stats to check during a game is watching a starting pitcher's pitch count. I like my "Jenga analogy" every pitch is another wooden block to remove. You can keep working the pitcher, fouling off pitches,removing blocks. The faster you do it, the faster the pitcher will reach that point where he gets too wobbly. And then comes the middle relief who has to tread water for 4 or 5 innings....you've just upped your chances of winning by like 20%. And all you did was work the count.

M-V-PAPI: We are officially privelaged to watch David Ortiz on a nightly basis. Like the core Patriots team during their 19-win run....its time to start truly enjoying what this New England Sports Legend at the absolute APEX of his game. Its like he saw how close he was in the balloting last year....thought to himself, "fuck this DH bullshit, they say I need to do more to prove i'm an MVP? they'll all be sorry."

Just remember, if were down in the 9th, we just gotta find a way to get Ortiz up.

Thank you and GodSpeed.

The Art of the Mix Tape: "Now Thats What I Call Music"

2006-08-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules."
-Rob Gordon, High Fidelity

I love music. Who doesn't? I'll never be confused for guitar-swinging indie composer, and I'm not the guy who has a 600 disc collection.
But I love music. I love how it makes you feel. I love singing in my car. I love concerts. I love the variety. I love one-hit wonders and two-hit wonders. I love old, good rap. I love showtunes. I love billboard charts and I love David Allan Bouché's soft rock "Magic Hour" I love the Backstreet Boys and I love Metallica. I wish I was born 5 years earlier so I could have been part of the grunge era. I'll NEVER understand someone who says they dont enjoy, nor like to listen to music.

After all that, I'll be the first one who admit that I may be fickle in my tastes these days. Musically, I Choose to follow aging rock favorites of my youth like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Audioslave in favor of embracing the contemporary "rock saviors" The Killers, White Stripes. That is a choice by design.

Even then, its a choice I dont necessarily enjoy. Like I said, I love music. I love lyrics. I miss hearing a catchy song for the first time. I miss listening to it over and over to make sure I understand the lyrics. I miss the chill i get when I hear a song that I "connect" with. I miss putting scratch marks on my CD's because I listened to them too much.

How bad has it gotten for me? Well, a few months back, i couldnt even in good conscience, bring myself to create a "Top Ten Albums" list. Wasn't sure I could even come up with 7 or 8. Not with my fickle tastes these days.

Its a new era for everyone. The I-POD generation. When I just bought the Chili Peppers' new CD, the first thing i did was rip the files to my computer so I could enjoy them on my MP3 player.
I couldnt even describe the artwork on the actual discs to you. I think one is red, and one is blue. I've only seen them once.

Rather than blame the music industry, MTV, George W Bush or even myself for being more inventive, I fill the silence in my apartment and my car with SportsTalk radio. Sweet sports talk. You'll never leave me.

Of all the things I miss tho about my declining interest in music, the number one thing is the Art of the Mix Tape.

For most people, a Mix CD means "Now Thats What I call Music 17!" or frantic marathon NAPSTER downloading sessions in college, burning as many songs to discs as possible before the FBI kicks in your door.

1st of all, To ME, a Mix CD is a "Mix Tape" (my term of choice- it just rolls off the toungue)America's love for mixing and matching tunes orginated with the 60 minute cassette tape (back then, Maxell, TDK and Sony rulled the analog recording world) 60 minutes was somewhat akin to those early 74 minute CDR discs with the blue bottoms...they were good, but the we knew deep down those scientists at maxell would figure out a way to cost effectively squeeze more music somehwere on the blank tape. CDR's eventually peaked at 80 minutes...but Mix Tapes?

90 minutes of blank, recordable glory.

I was introduced to the Mix Tape, the same way I was introduced good music. Matt Bogdanow...remember that long-haired guitar-swinging hippie that in the first paragraph i said i could never be confused with? Well Matty is that hippie. When you hang out with someone who cares about music as much about Matty does, you begin to appriciate the subtleties that can drastically enhance or detract from the listener's experiance. For example, the track order. One of Matty's most infamous quirks is his compulsive desire to completely re-order an album track for its optimal auditory reception. Nearly every album he has listened to, recieves a new track order. Track Order. Something so simple, something so important is OFTEN times overlooked by an artist purely to make sure all the catchiest hits are numbered 1, 2 and 3.

I remember the first mixtape Matty ever made me: "New York '97" the first in a series of tape designed to get me through a myriad of boring family trip to New York. It was simple and featured only 4 bands: Collective Soul, U2, Our Lady Peace and a couple Morphine songs. The goal of the tape was simple enough. Mix up some of the best songs of each band, throw in some songs i'd know and some songs i wouldnt. "New York '97 was followed by a two-tape mix called "December." At this point, matty had established his gauge. He saw what songs I liked from NY '98 and he knew his next step was to up the ante. In ALL FACETS. From the variety of music, and the variety of bands---slow songs, rock songs, rock ballads, punk songs,...and he didnt stop there. the design of Matty's tapes are legendary---here's a few examples:

You'll notice on the second tape, Matty began Titling each side of the tape by coming up with the coolest amalgamation of the song titles. No deatail was too small.
Matty was a true pioneer. Nay...a VISIONARY.

Call me Plato, because I studied and learned from the master. Whats my track record? Where do i get off expounding relentlessly about the sad state of music?

Well I started small as well. My mix-tape era began Freshman year of high school. I had a fairly sheltered view of the music world, and was quickly breaking loose. My favorite band at the time was LIVE and I knew all their music backwards and forwards. So I got my start making all-LIVE mix-tapes for my friends, and my girlfriends. Strangely enough, some of them actually got hooked. I had found my own little niche making LIVE mix-tapes. We all gotta start somewhere.

Sophmore year of high school I had my breakthrough. I was dating Corey Simon at the time, and I made her one of my earliest mix-tapes...I vaguely remember the songs I put on it..."The Kids Are Not Allright" by The Offspring, "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots some Aerosmith, and quite possibly, "I say a little Prayer for you" from My Best Friends Wedding.

...apparently something struck a chord and a week later one of her friends was telling me how much she loved it, and would i be willing to make her a mix tape. I remember she said she wanted it to be like Corey's. I didnt know how I was gonna do it! I went to work. Tweaked things a little bit. I had to build off this momentum.
I knew I was doing something right so I just went with my gut. A couple days later, ANOTHER one of her friends was asking for one. And another one. And another one! I made 6 figging mix-tapes in about 2 weeks! and each one was gold baby. every experiment, and every risk was solid gold. A small spark had become something outta Backdraft. I had discovered my secret formula, and I was swinging for the fences each time. That was almost 10 years ago. Matty's next Holiday Mix will be his 9th consecutive one. I've had some great successes, and some great flops. But Every one is a new challenge.

The greatest compliment that can ever paid are when someone comes up to you and tells you that they STILL listen to your mix-tape, or that your mix-tape prompted them to go out and discover more music on their own.

I promised myself I'd be back to blogging as soon as I had something worthwhile to say. And this one has been brewing inside for a long time.

During subsequent chapters I will guide you through all the rules that you need to follow to make a truly kick ass mix tape that will be remembered by ex-girlfriends, celebrated by your best friend, and simply listened to for years to come. And who knows, it may change the way you appriciate music forever.

Now thats what I call music.

To be continued....

Awesome Movies and their Crappy Sequels

2006-08-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

I used to make cardboard turtle shells that I would tie to my back with string, then run around the house screaming cowabunga. I used to draw manhole covers on paper plates, then attach them to the end of brooms and tape them to the ceiling, just so I could pretend I was in the sewer. I pulled a drain cover off of a public fountain once just so I could get a peak underground, in the hopes of seeing something….

Like many children my age, I grew up loving the ninja turtles. When I was younger I wasn’t allowed to watch PG rated movies, because my mother was scared of violence having some sort of impact on me. And even now (as I write this while I sharpen my knives) I still don’t know what she was so worried about. But seriously, I somehow convinced her to let me go see the ninja turtles on the big screen when I was in 2nd grade, and I was ecstatic. I can still probably recite any line from its dialogue.

I’ve had an idea in my head for a while about this, and I think I’ve finally come up with a way to deliver. I’d like to start my own feature entitled ‘Awesome Movies and their Crappy Sequels.’ To keep the blog from being way too long, I’ve decided I’ll post my opinions on these great movies and the crappy sequels they’ve spawned every once in a while. Feel free to contribute anything you’re thinking. I’ll start with a movie that hits close to home

AWESOME MOVIE

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The film opens with a narrative from news reporter April O'Neil about NY’s escalating crime wave, which is apparently the work of an organized crime syndicate known as The Foot Clan. As the movie progresses, the foot clan eventually capture the Turtle’s mentor, Splinter, and it’s up to the them to find him and bring him home. It shows the emotion each Turtle goes through individually as a result of losing their only father figure, and the internal strife between them as they cope with this loss. It all boils down to a final battle against the Shredder, who overpowers the Turtles until Splinter shows up (after being freed by Casey Jones, the Turtles vigilante friend) and flips the Shredder off of a rooftop. Finally reunited, they all embrace Splinter once again as the credits begin rolling.

The director Steve Barron, nailed everything perfectly. From Raphael and Casey Jones being the badasses they were, to Leo’s dedication, Don’s innovation, Mike‘s comic relief, and to The Shredder being the true, murderous, Japanese ninja he was meant to be… Steve Barron did a wonderful job. He even based the movie on stories from the original Turtles comics, staying true to the roots. It’s a dark, gritty yet enjoyable movie about loss and brotherhood, that I will continue to watch as long as I can draw breath.

CRAPPY SEQUEL

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II
The Secret Of The Ooze

The second time around the Turtles encounter the Shredder once again. After surviving his fall, he decides to create his very own retarded mutant babies. For some reason even though they’re trained ninjas, the Turtles just can‘t defeat Shredder‘s new lackeys. So what do they do? They enlist the help pizza delivery boy Keno! and Professor Jordan Perry, who comes up with a painful, mind numbing plan. It consists of feeding the mutant baddies pink frosted donuts laced with chemicals that are supposed to reverse their mutation. Somehow the evil mutant babies catch on to the plan and become agitated once they realize there‘s no ordinary cream filling in their donuts. The turtles retreat, and wind up inside of a club where Vanilla Ice is having a concert. Their foes follow, and a conflict soon errupts. Watching the fight from the stage, Vanilla Ice jerks his head around and gets a great idea for a new song on the spot, titled “ Ninja Rap.” The following is an excerpt from his god awful rap:

YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:

Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO! GO GO GO GO

…Anyways … after squirting the mutant babies in the face with some fire extinguishers, (I still don’t understand how this helped them) the turtles begin to bust out their awful dance moves in unison as Vanilla Ice tries his best.

(*This picture best describes the very moment the Ninja Turtle franchise took a nose dive.*)

Alas the eagerly awaited final battle with the Shredder never actually takes place, as he is crushed by a big pile of his own stupidity.

This movie was pretty much the starting point of where everything started to go wrong for the Turtles. With a new director, the film’s tone did a complete 180 and thoroughly sucked. I still can’t sit through this movie because I’m convinced the director must have made it as a f*cking joke. Not only does it introduce new pointless characters, but it takes away from the first films grit. It’s almost as if the creators of this movie just made it as a brainwashing tool to make little boys into Vanilla Ice fans. Shredder wasn’t the true villain, Vanilla Ice was. This mockery of a film is probably why their hasn’t been an outstanding movie in the franchise since.

-Here’s hoping the new CGI turtles movie will come out and kickass in ‘07-

The trailer looks promising, if you’re a fan check it out- just choose a format

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=8982

More Awesome Movies and Crappy Sequels to come!

f*ckin Vanilla Ice ...

Bluetooths: The Most Retarded Fad of the Year

2006-07-31T12:55:00.000-05:00

Utterly ridiculous. The other day I was waiting in line in downtown Boston to get a T token, when all of the sudden a man approaches me and says “You f*cking loser.“ Confused, I turned around and awkwardly made direct eye contact with him, and quickly realized he wasn’t talking to me, but the other “f*cking loser” via his bluetooth. He realized I was taken aback, but instead of apologizing, he pointed to his ear, and resumed his obnoxiously loud conversation, then slid his hands back into his pockets.

To all blue tooth users: If you’re walking anywhere, with your hands in your pockets and you’re talking to someone on a bluetooth, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. The only time I could understand when one should be using a blue tooth would be while their driving in their car. Not sitting in the passenger seat, but driving. Have people actually gotten so oblivious and lazy that they actually think strapping a piece of technology with a mic to their ears so they can walk hands free - looks cool? I personally believe it’s definitely something that should have been left on Star Trek.

Take this one guy I work with… Larry. He’s an ass. Not because of the fact he wears a bluetooth, but because of the way he treats women. Anyway, Larry washes dishes. Larry washes dishes and wears a bluetooth. I am actually starting to think it’s molded itself onto his face. Why does Larry do this? I’m assuming Larry does this because Larry thinks he looks cool. Larry’s not cool- it doesn’t matter how many bluetooths Larry wears. Larry is still an ass.

These billboards just make me giggle. I simply cannot relate. But I will say Hair Club for Men and Bluetooth should merge.

Enough ranting, but for dignity’s sake please don’t purchase a bluetooth. You‘ll just look too darn silly while you walk down the street and appear to be talking to yourself. Besides, I believe in karma, and I firmly believe that if you’re wearing one of these, well, chances are you’re just going to get cancer.

The M400 Skycar

2006-07-22T12:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about what it would have been like if I was born in a different decade. I would have loved to have caught the 60's, danced at a roller disco during the 70's, maybe even have partied at studio 54. But when these thoughts emerge, I quickly realize I wouldn't survive long in the past simply because I'm too dependent on todays technology. For instance the internet. The way I'm contacting you now. How would the Honest Male Perspective fair in the 60's? It wouldn't. Color Television. Reality TV. Instant coffee brewers, these are all inventions I've come to rely on, on a day to day basis. (Flavor of Love- season 2... comin soon)

But thinking about the past also gets me thinking about the future- Technology only gets better by the decade, and I can't help but wonder what type of gagdets and gismos will be invented long after I've taken my dirtnap. What cool sh*t am I gonna miss out on? Why can't I meet my very own personal Doc with his own time traveling delorean? Back the the future 2 was damn good, because it made you wonder about the future of technology. Getting to it here, I stumbled across something on the T the other day. I went to take my seat and lifted up a science magazine, and on the cover was something I found pretty damn interesting. Folks I never thought I'd live in a time when people would actually flew their own cars around... until now...

Behold...

The M400 Skycar

The worlds first flying two passenger car.

Check out the link

http://www.moller.com/skycar/performance/

I'm gonna be the f*cking coolest old man in the sky... they'd better come in yellow.

Special Edition: Tuesday List of Awesomeness

2006-07-18T13:57:00.000-05:00

What an exciting time for THMP. Scott's little rogue site has created a buzz unlike any since Tad Moses and Jim Dudley joined our humble blog. I must say, its nice to read some new content from both Jim and Scott, even if I resent being cast as Billy Baldwin. This back and forth bantor has inspired me, but seeing as I only have a short hour's break from work, I can only put together the links I have collected over the last month or so. As such, I bring to you a very special Tuesday version of the Monday List of Awesomeness. Enjoy.

Links/Blogs/News/Etc/
* Ever wonder how porcupines get it on? Well here is your answer along with other quirky animal behaviors.

* Here is a nice little practical article for those of us who are still getting used to real life. 10 Ways to Optimize your Days. I do about one of these on average, but it gives me something to work for.

* As long as your perusing the Self-Improvement section of my links, check out this list of 13 virtues that Benjamin Franklin lived by. Good stuff.

* This dude painted his room to look like Mario World.

* An article on how Michael Jackson often referred to Macully Culkin as "Doo Doo Head". Why no red flags were waved at that time, one can never be sure of.

* Remember is Waterworld when Kevin Costner drinks his pee for sustinance? Me neither. But is in even grosser twist of real world fate, NASA engineers are turning astronaut pee into breathable air.

* A loophole in the system means that you can buy discounted booze at Costco without a membership.

* This blind kid can see like a bat, by using echo radar. Woah.

* And you thought his career has peaked with "Snakes on a Plane". Turns out Samuel L. Jackson will be voicing God in the audio version of The Bible.

Videos
* Speaking of Michael Jackson...remember when he made morphing cool in his Black or White video? Well now his technology has been used against him to show his metamorphosis from a cool little black kid to a white, noseless child molester who thinks he's Peter Pan. Enjoy.

* Very cool video of a new-age bar that lights up based on what is placed on it. Check it out.

* If you haven't yet seen Jamie Kennedy's "Blowin Up" on MTV, check it out. Here is his first rap music video entitled "Rollin with Bob Saget".

* You can thank me later. Every episode of South Park ever. For free.

* Some of the most rediculous pool tricks ever.

* Here is a sweet vintage cartoon of a Flintstones cigarette ad. How times have changed.

* How could you ever realize you had this talent? Still pretty cool.

Games
* See how fast you can react to a gun shot without real results!! My best is .207 seconds. Who can beat that?

The Honest Male Perspective Casting Call! but first....

2006-07-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

Ahem.

Jealousy. Misunderstanding. Innocence.

This is why I write today. I apologize to all for our hiatus once again. Life has been pretty breezy lately, and I’m up at bat trying to hit a knuckleball. It has recently been brought to my attention that a onetime fan of The Honest Male Perspective, our friend Scott- seen below

has started a smear campaign against myself and my fellow contributors- Doug, Alex, and Tad - spawning a new site called (what else?) The Dishonest Male Perspective. Scott has gotten fed up with our lack of posts, and decided to travel the darker route, venting about our “blatant disregard for our readers.” The following is a quote from his site -

“Live from New York it's Friday afternoon. Welcome to the inaugural post of my smear campaign on Alex Popkin, Doug Warner, Tad Moses and Jim Dudley... but mostly Alex Popkin. Their blatant disregard for the readership of their blog (which I won't even link to because I don't want to generate traffic for them) has lit a fire under my buns and led me to create this little doozy that you're currently casting your gaze upon. Also, I felt kinda left out being one of the only people at work and on the sales team without a blog.

Anyways, those four gents have been so irresponsible with their blog, which is actually really funny when they get around to posting whenever the mood strikes them and the moon turns blue, that it's made me want to stab myself in the eyes with a stick of cinnamon chewing gum. So here it is folks... the DIShonest Male perspective. You may think the title is a blatant ripoff of their site, but I prefer to think of it as a spoof. “

Having read that, I just wanted to say I love you guys. You’re the reason we write about absolutely nothing when we get around to it. Hell, even after we post a blog, we never have any idea if anyone reads it. But when you leave a comment on one of our posts, or compliment us on some stupid incident that’s happened to one of us, it’s a great feeling of accomplishment, because it means at least one person read it. Nothing is better than sex, or pad thai for that matter, but comments are pretty darn nice. So from us, we thank you. There is no disregard. I wish Scott the best of luck on his smear site, and I’ll even do him one up and try to give him some free traffic…

http://www.ihatealexpopkin.blogspot.com

There you go Scott. That little link is from us - to you. Thanks for the inspiration. Now please… drop the chewing gum…

Movin' on

Movies. Have you ever wondered if your life would transfer well to the big screen? Has enough interesting stuff happened to you that would make for a good story? Who would play you in the story of your life? Recently at work a few friends and I were chatting, and we tried to cast actors to play each other in a work related movie- totally based on looks. I thought I would take a few moments and hold my very own Honest Male Perspective casting special…

Doug <--------> Billy Baldwin

Doug's a tough one to cast. He's just an all american boy with no real distinct features. But I saw this picture and for some reason I felt like I was looking at a Baldwin. It's in the eyes. I know I know, Billy's a big sad mess of life right now, but I'm talkin back in his prime here. Like when he was makin sweet sweet love to Cindy Crawford in Fair Game. Or was that Alec?

Tad <--------> John Cusack

I remember back a while ago when Doug compared Tad's face to that of Aladdin, and it was a great comparison. It looks as if an animated Tad actually stars in the movie... but unfortunately this feature isn't animated. Cusack is a dead ringer for Tad. I honestly believe there may even be a small chance that these two are related. Tad- check the family tree, Cusack may be holding out.

Alex <--------> Jason Biggs

I haven't seen many Jason Biggs movies outside of American Pie, but there's a strong resemblance here. The zany quirkiness and collared shirts, not to mention mannerisms. Alex has even had similar dilemmas Biggs has had in his movies. Whenever I see Biggs, I'm reminded of my good buddy Al. After a few trips to Hebrew school, I bet Biggs Could do Al justice. Shalom!

Jim (me) <--------> Zach Braff

I've been told he could play me.. after a little thought I figured, give the guy some blonde hair and enough gel, maybe even slap on a prosthetic chin or two and bam! It's possible. I guess that's ok. I'll bet he cant talk backwards though, or recite every line to the first ninja turtles movie.

Agree or disagree with my cast? Got a better one? I challenge you to a cast- off

We have not abandoned you! We've got more to come soon...

-also-

i've said it before and i'll say it again, don't shave drunk with a clef chin.

Three wishes - no substitutions, exchanges or refunds.

The Monday List of Awesomeness (6/5)

2006-06-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

Whats up everybody. I like this resurgance on THMP. With the return of Popkin and guest blogs aplenty, I think that we will have another productive summer of meaningless banter and silly yet intriguing lists ahead of us. Its been a while since I brought you a list of awesomeness, but its taken me a while to collect enough truly awesome links. You can't rush perfection. Without further ado, here is your list...

Links/Blogs/Etc.
* Are you bored and interesting in learning how to survive in any climate or condition? Well its your lucky day. Here is the U.S. Army's Survival Manual for your perusal.

* This guy is the real-life Van Wilder.

* The most practical and maybe most awesome use of magic ever.

* A great article for guys on the rules of jersey wearing.

* A funny article on where our favorite Saved By the Bell characters are now.

* A touchy subject, but you have to laugh at either how ugly this assailant was, or how bad the sketch artist is.

* A nice little list of famous bands' earlier names.

* Remember the scene in Spaceballs when Mel Brooks takes a deep breath of Perri-Air? Well they are actually selling it now.

* Yeah, we all feel REALLY sorry for this lady....I'm being sarcastic.

* A community for those who hate cilantro like myself.

Videos/Audio
* A true blonde.

* Prepare to laugh very loudly. Its most effective if I don't preempt you any further.

* Few will appreciate this, but its a radio interview of Sportscenter anchor Scott VanPelt doing impressions of Mel Kiper Jr. and Steven A. Smith. They are dead on.

* This may be the awesomest link of the week. Its basically an encyclopedia of every important 80's music video with links to the videos themselves.

* The craziest hole-in-one ever.

Games
* I present to you Boneless Girl. Its addictive. Its weird. Its morbidly fascinating. Its the only game link this time.

The Popkin Buzz Index

2006-06-03T13:53:00.000-05:00

You are a sight for sore eyes.

No bullshittin' around.
I'm good. ESPN is good.
I saw Tino Martinez and his fake tan at the gym the other day. He sends his regards to everyone at the Male Persepective.
Here's smattering of quick thoughts, analysis and chicken soup for the procrastinators, bored and the lazy.

Without further ado, the Popkin Buzz Index.

Stock Falling

KEVIN BACON

1)You always look evil in any role you play. Simply uncapable of playing a protagonist, even when attempting to sell Hanes underwear or piloting Apollo 13.
2)You might be the only male actor in hollywood that has a "EAGER TO DO FULL FRONTAL NUDITY" clause in his contract.
3)They just released a direct-to-video version of "Hollow Man 2" which only serves to remind me of paying actual money to see the first one.
4) Speaking of Hanes underwear. Anyone who has seen the new commericals with Bacon and Michael Jordan have been witness to the most painfully odd pairing of Actor/Athlete in the history of modern advertising .It is such a rediculously uncomfortable ad, they dont even appear to be in the same studio when it was filmed. Look closely. If you watch it again, they never appear in a scene together. The camera always cuts to one of them, reacting to the other. Even in the last shot where they appear together, it looks like Bacon isnt even looking in the right direction! We all know Jordan has had extensive Green Screen practice while filiming "Space Jam" and Bacon with "Hollow Man." Is it that far-fetched to think Jordan (a veteran of the commerical circuit) refused to appear in such a rediculously commercial?

THE DETROIT PISTONS

Out of the NBA playoffs in 6 games. Realistic shot at dynasty status fading.
Pathetic. 5 months ago this team was challenging for the best ALL-TIME. Can we all agree now that Heat were just better? Who figured the Heat would just GEL the way they have. Last year the Heat were exactly a healthy Dwayne Wade and Shaq from the finals. And I never thought I would see a team that Antoine walker and Jason Wiliams fit into. But they deferred their egos. Walker passed up MANY open 3's for drives the hoop. They outplayed the Pistons.

If your Joe Dumars what do you do now? Sure the Pistons shot under 30% for a huge portion of that game, but that 5 man nucleus is the same one that turned into a surprising offensive machine under Flip Saunders. So if the problem isnt phsycial (The Pistons starting 5 have been without a major injury scare in 3 YEARS) its gotta be mental. How does Joe Dumars replace the hunger? Fire the coach? And if your Ben Wallace, would you get more satisfaction out of trying to salvage your tarnished rep, or do you jump to a promising young teams like the Chicago Bulls or the Wizards who are a big man away from making serious noise? Its really just incredible how quickly their fortunes changed.

BARRY BONDS
Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares.

CLICK
"This Summer, everything will click."

Everyman Michael Newman (Adam sandler) gets magical remote control...uses it to solve his problems....gets in humorous situations whereby he can get revenge on people who treat him poorly, make a baseball hit a child in the face, as well as slow-mo a pair of humongous bouncing breasts...etc...etc....sound familiar?

THATS CUZ THIS IS FUCKING BRUCE ALMIGHTY IN CLICK'S CLOTHING!
Right down to the "using magic powers to molest and ogle women"

Follow the simple mad-lib:

BLANK has a shitty life, BLANK gains tremendous power, BLANK uses power to do BLANK and BLANK hilarity ensues in funny, yet somewhat innapropriate and selfish ways. BLANK temporarily has better life. BLANK's life starts to unrravel after BLANK and BLANK happens. Soon after, BLANK realizes that having such power is not what its cracked up to be, BLANK learns the errors of his/her ways. BLANK lives happily ever after.

I just saved you 9 dollars.

X-MEN 3: THE LAST STAND
This is a near split-decision. The X-sequel was a commercial powerhouse. Its raked in more money opening weekend than the first two movies, nuturing the hopes of fat-cat movie executives in a floundering Summer Movie Season, and should easily push the X-Men franchise over the $1 Billion mark. But the Popkin Buzz-meter isnt impressed.

X3 was a thriller from start to finish, but while the film didnt skimp on action, it skimped on story, packing in too many characters, killing off others and leaving a rabid comic-geek fanbase bruised and beaten like a government mule.

While I knew full-well going in that liberties must be taken when adapting comics to movies, seeing Proffessor X melt, Cyclops vanish unexplained, Rogue basically being written into a corner (there's little use for a mutant who cant actually DO anything in the battle except be rescued, or a distraction) and Colossus' on-screen time upped to about 5 minutes. The movie lacked the substance or the passion that made X2 argueably the best Comic book movie ever made. Killing off major characters is a big deal. In the comics, the Phoenix saga is literally in the top 3 biggest storylines in X-men history. There's no doubt if original x-director Bryan Singer was on the job he would have demanded X-3 be at least 3-plus hours long, or split into two movies a la "Kill Bill." That said, this movie had its moments, i'll probably see it again. But it goes to show you there's a fine line between a comic-book movie being GREATEST all-time and movie being "The Punisher."

ALBERT PUJOLS

A legend in the making. Since he bursted on the scene his rookie year, Pujols has literally been a one man wrecking machine. His numbers would shock you. The craziest thing? He's only 26 years old. (or so he claims to be)
Unbelieveably, he's still getting better, as evidenced by his 2006 start. He set the MLB record for most home runs in the month of April. He hit 25 through June 3rd. Was on pace to shatter Bonds' juiced up Homer record, and just about every other major offensive record. Today however, Pujols strained an oblique muscle in his torso and will most likely be on the Disabled List for a month. Sad news indeed for fans of baseball who were looking foward to PUjols deoderation of the foul Bonds stench. Also a moment of silent prayer for "Fred's Slacks" the fantasy team of Benjamin Bouchoux, who is now left with the task of filling the void of the greatest asset in fantasy baseball.

Quick hits:
-McDonalds is now selling Iced Coffee. Calling the move brilliant is an understatement. The coffee is cheaper, and its just as good as the Dunkin D variety.
I'm quite pleased.

-Red Hot Chili Peppers,Stadium Arcadium came out a couple weeks ago, and its fuckin awesome. Here's a couple tasty licks:
"Snow ((Hey Oh)"
"Desecration Smile"
"Make You Feel Better"
"Especially in Michigan"

I'm getting the hang of this blogging thing again.
Thank you for the poem.
I'll see you again next January.

Alex, Wherefore Art Thou?

2006-06-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

Wherefore Art Thou Alex?

A Pseudo-Freestyle by Jim Dudley

Quick to quip, quirky yet slick

I wonder where you’ve been

and hope that you’re not sick

Been hush since January

Carpal Tunnel syndrome’s a bitch

We miss our fellow broheem,

Hittin his old posts

with many mouse clicks

No more tricks

Stop watchin the Tick

come back to us

Before I call a detective

We miss you AL

Here on The Perspective

Uh, whaaaa

Just Keep on Truckin'

2006-05-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

Loyal reader and North Dakotanite, Sam McManus has written another fine story for our humble blog.  Without further ado, I present…

Just Keep on Truckin’

I never thought I would be the one to fall asleep at the wheel.  Twelve to sixteen hour days covering a minimum of 600 miles has never bothered me when driving long distances.  Of course, there are several challenging parts to back to back days on the road including: the first bathroom break, choosing between powdered or chocolate doughnuts, coffee rationing, and deciding when and where to stop to rest for the night.

There is no precedent in my life to make me think that I would ever accidentally fall asleep, so it is hard for me to prescribe myself a daily driving limit, and therefore hard for me to find an appropriate stopping point.  When driving through the Salt Flats of northwestern Utah the “Drowsy Driver Rest Area” signs really made my ego wonder what other people are made of.  My more rational self tried to acknowledge my vulnerability, but I kept on a’truckin’.

Entering Salt Lake City from the west was one of the most amazing sights I have ever seen.  The eastbound interstate is separate from the westbound by a 100-foot gap, and consists of two well-marked lanes with no guardrails.  The road hovers about ten feet higher than the rest of the valley floor, which is a perfectly flat mudstone.  When I say perfectly flat, I do not mean perfectly flat like the Great Plains, but I mean abyssal plains flat.  There is no nook or cranny, this terrain is as flat as a table.  Imagine a football field extending for 30 to over 100 miles in any given direction, but flatter, and you begin to grasp the flatness of this valley.  Instead of grass there is a barren whitish-brown mud holding no impressions, and instead of the horizon that the Great Plains offers to view, there are the jagged cliffs of the snow capped Rocky Mountains towering better than 10,000 feet above.

As I descended eastward into the valley, the sun began to set. The once intimidating mountains turned pastel orange and pink as the sun surrendered its day behind me.  The once flat mud surroundings were suddenly covered in glassy water that carried with it crystal reflections of the mountains and the sky, so that in a glance one could notice the detail of even a cirrus cloud 30,000 feet above, or the crescent moon beginning its illumination.  If I was a man escaping persecution and I arrived to this place, surly I would understand that God has sent me here to the Great Salt Lake to begin some new and divine existence.

I had been driving for 12 hours at this point.  I had left from the town of Fairfax, located slightly north of San Francisco earlier that morning, and had not looked at a map all day as I explored some new terrain.  I was not tired, nor was I confused.  Though I had never been here before, I easily remembered the directions to my home and upon entering Salt Lake City turned north toward Montana.  In the west the oranges of dusk were fading to green, and then to black as night swallowed my truck.

Darkness is something that happens suddenly.  For in one moment you have enough light to be comfortable, and in the next moment, not; in the next moment, you are in the darkness.  And it is not just your body that is in the dark, but your mind is also.  We think about different things at night, there is a different energy.  On this night my mind brought me back to a journey I made through the Mojave Desert a few days back, and fear began to crawl under my skin, and doubt filled my head like the empty pockets of a material girl.

I wondered if I was tired.  I wondered if I was even awake.  The memory of a few days back was from my 16-hour drive from Canyonlands National Park, Utah, to Los Angeles, California.  The long drive was a very sporadic decision on my part, and the product of a dust storm.

I had been camping for a few days when all of a sudden a dust storm swept through the valley I was camping in, damaging my gear, flipping my tent, and getting dust in my sleeping bag, pillows, tooth brush, ear canals and everything.  I had to eat, so I tried to grill some chicken in a calm part of the storm and basically ate a breast of salted dust.  Toughing out the night in my gritty sleeping bag and sandy pillow, I decided that the next day I would have to relocate, and that I could not camp any longer.  On the morning I awoke I realized that the meaning of life lives between the ends of a Q-tip.

I was miserable.  I wanted to keep camping, but all my stuff was too gross to tolerate.  If I went back to my home, my boss would find me and try to get me to work – I had promised him a few days back that he would not be able to get in contact with me for at least 2 weeks.  I needed to stay on vacation, and my closest place of refuge was Los Angeles, CA.

I was scared to go to LA for several reasons.  Everyone I know there I have not seen in a year.  An unannounced visit after a year’s worth of neglect is sketchy at best.  Any ways, I took a stop in Vegas to get gas, coffee, and to set myself up in LA for a few days with whoever’d have me.  I made these arrangements and continued west through the Mojave Desert.

It was here in the Mojave Desert that something truly confusing happened and ultimately ended up scaring me into a motel in Utah a few days later.  Driving along in some moderate traffic consisting of lots of trucks and commuters always requires some extra focus, especially when the sun is setting in your eyes for 60 miles, and little Honda Civics keep rocketing past everyone like their mufflers were singing La Cucaratcha.  Scared and miserable I tuned to the only radio station that I could receive on the FM, Christian radio.  It helped.  The voice told me that I was in God’s hands, and some pretty stereotypical stuff, but it helped.  After I felt saved enough, I seeked an 80’s station or something, and this is when IT happened.  I don’t know how long I had been listening to the 80’s station but at one point a Madonna song came on the radio.  It was at some point during this song that I snapped OUT of IT.  I don’t know how long I had been in IT, but somehow, the 80’s music had a hypnotic effect on me, and was causing me to dance.  I was dancing in my seat, dramatically gesticulating with my right hand and tapping my feet as my truck zoomed on in cruise control.  I had no idea I was doing this.  The first thing I remember is my right hand pulsating on the beat while rapidly wiggling my fingers.  I don’t know what happened, but I was dancing in my truck.  Maybe I was tired, or maybe I was alone for too many days, but it was weird.  I did not crash or even have a close call.  I was driving fine but I was completely unaware of my conscious situation.

Is this a normal situation?  To my credit, I am a quite good dancer.

It seemed silly and strange immediately after the dancing happened, but when driving through the mountains in northern Utah, the memory became terrifying.  For fear that it may not be safe to dance in such a way in a red state, I got off the interstate at the next motel sign.  I checked in to my room, closed the curtains, unplugged the clock radio, and went to bed.

I never thought I’d be the one to fall asleep at the wheel, and I hope to never find out.

Drive Safe, and Goodnight,

Sam

Parental Confusion- Part 3

2006-05-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

-III-

-FLASHBACK-

I’m 5 years old. I’m standing in front of a talking tree. It’s telling me nursery rhymes and filling my head with fuzzy imagery in a soft, baritone voice. I am in awe. I am transfixed. I’m alone. I’m in new Hampshire. I’m in Storyland. I’m 5 years old, and I’m lost.

I take a seat on a bench, happy with my decision to desert my family instead of riding the teacups once again to please my older sister. Intent on seeing the talking tree we had walked by before, I decided to venture off on my own. But it’s not long before I’m noticed by an older woman. She upsets me. She’s interrupting the tree, bugging me about where my family is, who I am. I ignore her. Still, she is persistent. She sits next to me, continuing to ask the same redundant questions. Not being one to talk to strangers, I continue to ignore her. Eventually she decides she has the right to intervene with my righteous decision to depart with my family for better entertainment. She helps me up. She ties my shoes. She tells me everything will be alright, and she forces me to walk with her. I take one last look at the talking tree and turn around, making my way towards the ticket booth with a stranger. She assures me everything will be alright once more, and that Mommy and Daddy are coming…

-FLASH FOREWARD-
To Target

Panic. I couldn’t imagine what the child must have been feeling. I was momentarily reminded of a similar situation I had been in (getting lost in Storyland) almost decades ago. To this day I still jokingly ask my mother to take me back to my real family. But was my newfound companion really lost? I decided my mission to buy new socks and a new Xbox controller would have to be put on hold, so I could deal with the hand fate had dealt me. I placed the objects I held down momentarily. I decided I was going to have to take on the role of an intervening stranger… like the one who had helped me long ago… like the stranger who had helped her before me… and so on. I had come full circle. I was determined to find this kid some parents. Once again…

“Heyyy, Did you lose your mom?”

Nothing. I quickly realized our roles. I was an irresponsible misfit with horribly bad luck, having a bad day, and he was my mute misfortune. But I wasn’t ready to give up. I’d seen Oliver Twist one too many times, and I wasn’t about to seal this child’s fate as an orphan. Maybe his mother was a mere 20 yards away, patrolling a nearby aisle in search of her lost child. Before I could start a broader search, there was an immediate problem that needed solving. For the purpose of walking, I had to get the child to let go of my leg.

“Heeyy kiddo, I’m gonna need you to let go so we can go see your mommy, Ok? We can walk together…”

Silence. Again no response. I would have to try something new. I leaned down and gently tried to loosen the child’s kung fu grip but immediately regretted the action.

“UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

A squeal that could kill a banshee. Horrified, I quickly withdrew and looked around, hoping that no one saw us and got the wrong impression.

“Ok! Ok! Geez…”

What was I supposed to do? The child couldn’t have been over 5 or 6, I didn’t want to be too forceful. Tickling was certainly out of the question and would be a highly inappropriate action to take. Should I have yelled? What was going on here? Was I on candid camera? Was I giving off some weird candy scented pheromone that attracted children? I was going to have to resort to hobbling with the child stuck to me. I grabbed my socks and controller and made my way out of the electronics section of the store and began to scour the scene for a childless mother. Noticing he was darker skinned I realized she was most likely going to be African American. To try and lighten up the awkwardness of my situation I began talking to the child between hobbles. Maybe I could get him to lighten up to me.

“What’s your name kiddo?”

“………….”

Hmph. Immediately after I asked the question my eyes glanced upon a lovely African American woman about two aisles down from where we were. Maybe this was the mother I was looking for, the answer to my prayers! I decided it might be a good idea to ask the kid if there was any relation before forcing an embarrassing awkward conversation. I faced my leg in her general direction.

“Heyy!! Is that your mom? Does she look familiar?”

The child just looked up at me as he normally did, staring me in the face, expressionless. I pointed again and snapped my fingers, and to my surprise he actually looked over at her and smiled. I took this as a sign of positivity. Optimistic, I began to approach the woman slowly and calmly.

“Excuse me miss? I’m sorry, I’m in a weird situation here. Is he by any chance yours? I think he’s lost and he’s acting like he might know you…”

I quickly regretted the way everything had came out, even with the best intentions I realized I had offended her.

“Excuuuuse you?! No he is not mine! What you think that….. you know what? You’d better take that poor child to customer service before that baby’s momma finds you!”

And she stormed off. I felt the child let go with one had and looked down. In his grasp was a Spongebob Squarepants doll. Standing in front of me was a huge wall filled with Spongebob crap, and it dawned on me that it was probably what the child had smiled at. A little on edge I took a deep breath and tried not to curse in front of the little one.

“You’re cunning.”

He handed the doll to me as if he wanted me to have it. I took it from his grasp and placed it back on the shelf, but with this act came an obnoxiously loud

“UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

“Ok Ok!! Sh*t!”

I took it back and held onto it. It became apparent that I was going to have to hold it for him. Annoyed, I decided it might be a good idea to leave this section of the store immediately so I wasn’t getting conned into holding any other toys. I’d had enough of it, so I started to hobble my way towards the customer service booth so they could relieve me of duty. The child was starting to feel heavier with every step, and I could feel my pants start to slide down as he tugged on intently. Trying to grasp my belt buckle with what loose fingers I had, I was coming up on the customer service booth. Glancing around I noticed the security guard I had encountered earlier, blocking my path to customer service, gawking at me with an odd look. I became worried as I realized what he must have been thinking. He eyed me down as I entered the store alone, yet here I was, walking towards the exit with a child. That’s when I realized to get to the service booth without an awkward confrontation, I would have to check out. Noticing the express lane was open I hobbled over with the child and put my things on the tread. I looked down and noticed the kid was watching me, making sure I threw the Spongebob doll on with the rest of my things. “F*ck.” I realized I was going to have to buy it so he wouldn’t cause a scene. Jokingly I asked

“Oh ok, is that it?”

He replied by grabbing a snickers bar, handed it over to me, and waited for me to throw it in with the rest of my things and gave me a look that I could only translate into “Do it bitch.”
I quickly figured out who was really in control of the situation. Frustrated, I threw it on.

“Don’t say thank you.”

We checked out. I handed over the Spongebob doll to the ungrateful kid and grabbed my bags. Finally, customer service. At this point I cared little for lines, and decided I inherited the right to cut everyone the second I became an accidental father. I hobbled up to the woman behind the desk.

“Hey, I’m sorry for interrupting but this child found me while I was shopping and seems to be lost.”

She glanced down at him and smiled pleasantly, asking

“Ohhh hey honey. Are you ok?”

To which he replied while playing with his new doll

“Yeh I fine.”

!!!!….I was f*cking shocked. He was talking. The woman behind the counter began to question him further.

“What’s you’re name honey?”

“Gregowy.”

Again, I was shocked. Why wouldn’t he talk to me? What the hell was going on? It’s not like I was scaring him. I looked down and watched the child finally let go of my leg and walk over to the woman behind the counter. She picked him up and started questioning him.

“Well Gregory do you know where your parents are?”

“Yeh, Dad works at taca bell ova thew.”

“Oh, he works over there? In the store?

“Yeh.”

I couldn’t believe it, but it was all starting to come together. It seemed Little Gregory’s dad worked at the Taco Bell inside Target, and apparently just let his child roam free throughout the store whenever he had to work. I figured this must have been a usual everyday encounter for little Gregory. Living the life, roaming free inside a department store, dangling from strangers appendages until they bought him something so he’d stop screaming. The bitterness started pouring in. I couldn’t really be sure what his intentions were, but I felt duped. Was this all an elaborate scheme to get a free doll and a snickers bar? After having a really bad day, to top it all off I felt as if I was being conned.

“Alrighty……… well… I’m heading out…”

I looked over at the sinister child and gave him a wave goodbye. I watched him stick out his tongue, and became convinced he was smarter than he was letting on. The tension built up. I snapped.

“You’re welcome!”

I was ready to head home and relax before another child took advantage of my caring nature. I vowed to never fall for the old “lost baby in department store” trick again, and began trudging over to the exit. I waved my receipt in the security guard’s face so he’d back off, and picked up a newspaper I’d found on the floor on my way out. I was about to get extremely soaked again on my way back out to the car, but I realized I cared little. I threw the newspaper over my head and stepped out into the rain, a beaten man.

Worn down by luck, coffee, weather, and a little child named Gregory, I’d finally completed my mission, and my Xbox was beckoning.

Show Me Potato Salad!

2006-05-17T14:57:00.000-05:00

I realize you're all probably anxiously awaiting the conclusion (or at least part 3) to my boy Jim Dudley's Rainy Day Adventure. Let this serve as an appetizer seeing as how I wrote out my thoughts in between sections of Jim's story.

Family Feud. Let’s talk about it. Specifically, I need to narrate a tale of a specific episode. The likes of which brought me to tears as I laughed and cried with amusement, confusion, and sorrow based on the sad state of our society. It also literally floored me, as I fell off my couch. This story is full of stupidity, arrogance, ignorance, dissonance, and crapulence. Now before I begin, I want to analyze the show which we all know and love, “Family Feud”. We all learned of this show during one of our early sick leaves from school, at a young age, I assume. In my personal experience, I was probably 8 years old. I knew that ‘The Price is Right’ was to be on at 11, as none of us learned of that game show, but rather knew it innately at the moment of our birth. But it wasn’t 11 o’clock. It was 10 o’clock (side note: have you ever noticed how ridiculous the word: “o’clock” looks and is? We can probably thank the Irish again for that one). As I was a child and a male, I had no interest in even momentarily stopping on one of the many soap operas or talk shows that had just begun. What was I going to do? Lie there in my gross and miserable state of ailment for an entire hour? Certainly not. I refused. I needed distraction. That’s when I clicked passed the last channel on my 8-station antennae reception and saw two different families posing in front of two big walls with their respective names on them and some “hee-haw” style musical background playing. I was immediately drawn in, I recall. A FEUD of FAMILIES?! This is rad! This is really rad. “I hope they match up fairly”, I thought. “Not too fair a fight if the father of one family is kicking the other family’s youngest son in the face.”

Of course, I know now that they weren’t actually fighting. It was a battle of wits. A competitive bout of the minds as it were. What I also know now, but didn’t realize then, is that this show highlights the witless of our country. The show is a mockery of the many dense citizens we share our nation with. There is no room for excuses. At some point in the average American family, there needs to be a rock of intelligence. At least one person who represents the brains a group of people need to function properly. If a family on this show fails to provide this basic acumen given the five members they purposefully chose to bring to a game show, all hope is lost. I see this often. The more I watched Family Feud, the more it was blatantly obvious to me. The show ‘Jeopardy’ is based on random scholastic trivia that is both in high-level of difficulty and in a creative format (answers in the form of questions). Family Feud is a game where FIVE different people on your team take turns and can GUESS…ONE of MANY answers… that an AVERAGE SAMPLING of 100 people probably JUST LIKE THEM…already said. Barely is there a use of academic facts or knowledge in this game (ex: Name something you do…when you get up in the morning).

Now I do understand this games appeal. Don't get me wrong. The family personalities, the rewarding dinging of the correct answers, the abrasive buzzing of the blatantly and ignorantly wrong answers, the hosts’ desperate attempts to bring comedy or style to the game, the mandatory molestation of all female family members by the host regardless of age or attractiveness, the suspense you get when the host points to the board to see what the “survey says”, and the culminating ‘fast money’ round at the end that highlights the dumbest people in the family. It’s all there. My point is, that I have come to realize how embarrassing this game is overall. For our country, the families and audience involved, and those who watch it and give it ratings (do not get angry with me. I understand we all still watch this show when we pass it on tv. I’m not attacking you personally, but get in here for the real thing... The show is ridiculous).

It is no mere coincidence that every host of this show has eventually committed suicide. Note to self: check status of Louie Anderson. There is only so much dinging and buzzing and crowds yelling the answer in unison right after it’s revealed as if they know every answer and what spot it’s in, that one can take. And yet, the show continues to thrive on varied ratings and channels, and I’ll tell you the number one reason why: People want to feel smart without having to do any work in getting to that disposition. They want to feel informed without having to learn anything. This is why Sudoku is sweeping the nation. This is why people watch fox news instead of reading newspapers. Same reason so many people have yet to get tired of computer solitaire (namely, me). This game gives you that feeling throughout. You can shout very obvious comments at your helpless television and revel in your aptitude as they appear on the board. I was 8 years old the first time I watched and I’m 22 now. The game is worth the same value to me. I can predict right answers almost all the time and yell, “I am the smartest man aliiiive.”

You can feel that way not only because the answers are set up to be strictly the most common response, but the contestants often make you feel like an able-bodied Steven Hawking, even if you are a bed-ridden 8 year-old with a high fever and Ghostbusters pajamas. Now, I will critique the heart of the show, which is the format and the contestants. I want to know right now how each family chooses their order in line. Does the dad rank his troops, but always puts his wife next to him? Do they have a meeting and discuss the levels of intelligence amongst the 5 members? Does the stage manager decide based on height and high school GPA scores? I don’t know. Further more, why do the families always choose “play” as opposed to “pass” when asked, whilst you later find that no one in the family has a good answer. “Good answer.” This is another great piece of value to the show. To keep their family’s morale up, as if that has any weight on their performance, members of a team are almost guaranteed to follow a response with “good answer”, whether it was indeed a good answer, a questionable answer, or a ridiculously bad answer with no chance of being on the board. The point system is a lesson in absurdity as well. As far as I can tell, the first two rounds' total points never equal more than the third round which triples the points and is always guaranteed to be the least amount of answers possible. This means that until the 3rd round, the game is pointless and you could literally show up at 10:20 and still win the game. Even if your family fails at getting every (obvious) answer on the board and the other family gets the chance to “steal”, the other family could still get their one answer incorrect and your family wins. The rules are very close to arbitrary.

None of this bothers the contestants who fight bitterly along with their family members to arrive at the most correct answers in timely situations to defeat the other family and get a chance to win like 10 grand, or as one contestant shouted to Louie Anderson, “Ten thousand G’s.” As great as it would be to win 10 million dollars, especially on a show like this, it’s almost as if it’s not even about the money for these families. They just want to be on the show. I believe that way back in the day, the winning family would return to the show the following day until they were defeated (I now wonder what happened to their jobs if they had to stretch their vacations a couple of days or more. They better pray they win 10 thousand G’s). The producers have really started slipping with the family screening process, I eventually realized. They don’t want polished families, they don’t want smart families, and they don’t even want nice families. They just want loud families. Loud and obnoxious. The illusion of fun and excitement. Oh Family Feud, how far you’ve fallen from the days of Johnson v. Smith families with diligent father, mother, two kids, and a grandma. I’ll have to do the research and check for .05 statistical significance (meet me at the nerdery for a rousing game of 'Who has the better protractor'), but I feel that there’s a correlation between loud/obnoxious and stupid when it comes to the average person. Which means that there is nothing left on Family Feud but very dumb, loud, and obnoxious people who are just happy to be feuding. This brings me to my personal account, the story that sparked this already lengthy blog, to begin with.

I was sprawled out on my couch, enjoying a snack and some good old fashioned channel surfing. Actually scratch that. I don’t even think I was channel surfing. I think I just hit the power button and this random cable channel came on (I really don’t remember which at this point) displaying a Family Feud show. It was as if this particularly ludicrous moment in human history had found me, and not the other way around. So I of course am immediately drawn into the show, like most of us would be. It was the all important 3rd round. You’ll remember from my crash course in Family Feud that this is the only round that matters and it was already 3/5 over. This was the juice of the show right here and I wasn’t going to miss this.

As I tried to quickly get up to speed on the topic and answers given, I realized the request was, “name a country that we (as U.S. citizens) admire other than the U.S.” Answers already given were England, France, and Italy. I assume you would guess two of them if not all three and feel very very smart as I would have. There were only two options left. Things were getting tense. The McBalls family had apparently already guessed Spain which was given a resounding “RRRRRRRNNTT” which is the text version I will be using for the ‘X’ buzzer sound effect played when someone is wrong. I guess I was a little surprised Spain wasn’t in there, but whatever, it’s the Feud, clearly the most credible show in television. To my surprise, Canada was guessed and rewarded with the classic “DING” and the McBalls were bouncing up and down in elation. They only needed to answer one more correctly and they were on to play ‘fast money’. My nipples were hard with excitement. Sadly for the family McBalls, Dorothy and Tootsie, who were ranked 4 and 5 in the family roster, were the two remaining contestants. They were clearly air-headed just by looking at them. I could tell the McBalls were doomed.

First, Dorothy: ……China?
McBalls: (scattered) Goooood answerrr. Good answer. Very good answer
Karn (host): Show me CHINA!!!
Mysterious floating red X: RRRRRRRNNNT!!!!
McBalls: AWwwwwwWW WHAT?!

Karn: (over to the opposing family) Pappertons! Get ready to steal! Get ready! Ok Tootsie…tell me what COUNTRY you admire besides the U.S.?

Then, Tootsie: …….oooo. you know. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Karn: Whadya got?
Tootsie: MEXICO
McBalls: YES!!! Good answer! That is a fuckin’ good answer bitch! YES. Good answer!
Karn: Hey… who knows? Tacos? Siestas? Fiestas? Who knows? …show me MEXICO!!
Mysterious floating red X: ……….RRRRRRRNNNNNNTTT!!!
McBalls: AWWWW COME ON!!! WHAT?!! MEXICO!!

At this point I need to point out that Karn had not yet begun to cross the room as the host does, and ask the Papperton family the question once more for the steal and win. Before the camera even GOT to the Pappertons, I could already hear off-screen, the voice of an incredibly dumb and loud mouthed woman. The voice was booming, in a kind of arrogant and fool-hearty fashion, offering options as if they were not only all eligible, but all correct. This of course was not possible because there was only one answer left on the board. Letting all of this slide, within the three seconds before Karn got over to the Pappertons side, the answers Sassy Papperton was offering for their fearless leader: the father, were absolutely moronic. Many times over as the camera was panning across the room, I heard her remark, “Africa…..EUROPE……”

Now I still hadn’t gone into conniptions yet. The Pappertons could still save face. Perhaps this was the “special” family member whom they really wanted to be on the show with them, even though she was a second cousin or something. Maybe she just heard the question wrong many times and never bothered considering the answers. Maybe she had a tremendous sense of humor more spirited and unique than I could even understand. Either way, I was going to wait for someone intelligent to step in. Now Karn possibly also overheard Sassy Paps’ spouting of verbal poop. As if worrying about the outcome, he reread the question VERY slowly:

Karn: OK! Pappertons! For the Steal and the Win! What …COUNTRY….do we admire besides the UNITED STATES?

The Pappertons continued to shout things at the father, but to Karn’s, the tv and studio audience’s, and especially MY chagrin, Sassy had begun belting out her idiotic answers even louder than before, however this time she had gained the backing of one or two other Pappertons. This was getting ridiculous.

Sassy: AFRICA!!.....EUROPE!!!....AFRICA!!
Kathy: EUROPE….AFRICA…..
Karn:….ummm… OK. So we need a final answer here.

What an absolutely dense and fat-headed family! I couldn’t believe my ears! How can even ONE grown adult who didn’t even NEED an education to be on this show, be so dumb, much less multiple family members?! I knew one thing though, Poppa Papperton better represent.

Pops: OK. OK. I’ve got this one ……I gotta go with Europe.

…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EUROPE was the Papperton’s final decision. OVERALL, the family had chosen EUROPE as the COUNTRY which we admire the most besides ourselves. Not ONE family member could step in and explain the erroneous nature to this answer. Karn was shocked. I was shocked. The audience was shocked. Karn took a second to slyly look toward the camera. He stared directly at me with a face that seemed to say, “I know this is ridiculous, and I know that you know it as well.” He even took an extra couple seconds for what seemed to be checking with the judges to see if he should even ACCEPT this answer or intervene. This allowed enough time for the tech. director to send the camera shot back over to the McBalls family. This is the point in which I fell off my couch. I had wondered how I would react on the other side of the floor, if I heard such a hilarious answer given for the game winner. I would hope I could keep my composure.

This was not the case for the McBalls. They were terrified. Every face in the family was looking up at the board in fright, very concerned that “Europe” was indeed the answer that eluded them the whole time and the Pappertons were going to defeat them. I absolutely lost it. This was the funniest thing you’d ever want to see on television.

Karn:…..show me… Europe?
Off stage noise: …DING!

Just kidding. It was wrong. It was possibly the most wrong answer in the history of Family Feud. I don’t even remember what the final answer actually was. It was something like Switzerland or Sweden. But that doesn’t matter. The sheer stupidity. I mean, SOUTH Africa is a country. I guess I can forgive the answer, “Africa” eventually. Europe is NOT a country and actually contains almost every answer already given. You are a full shame Papperton family. You fail at being even below adequately smart. You were simply shocking. And this, my friends is the state of certain parts of our society and the value of the show, Family Feud. I just wanted to relay that little short story. Looks like it's finally 11 o'clock. Thank god 'The Price is Right' is finally on.

Parental Confusion- Part 2

2006-05-12T15:06:00.000-05:00

-II-

Looking out the window I was not really looking forward to the 50 foot walk to my car in the torrential downpour, or driving in it for that matter. Did I really feel like doing this? Was buying a new controller really worth all of the trouble I’d have to endure? When was the last time I swam? Should I stretch before I bolt to the car? After a few moments of pointless thought I came to the realization that this was obviously some sort of test. Whatever higher power that exists up there was probably staring down, pointing at me and crying with laughter, causing rain to spatter across my town so I could soak and live in my own aggravation. More importantly I was still upset about the loss I had endured earlier, and my morning agenda of being lazy had been ruined. Even more importantly I couldn’t play any more Xbox, so a trip to Target was absolutely necessary. Besides, I needed new tube socks.

I threw on my brand new sneakers and an extra layer of clothing and ran out the door, sloshing through a few puddles and heading towards the car. I went to the open the door when *thunk* to my dismay it was locked. Argh. I ran around to the other side of the car and *thunk* locked. Grrrr. Looking into the car I realized the only unlocked door was the backseat door behind the drivers side, but it was already too late. I was soaked. Aggravated I made it into the car and turned the key. Noticing that the radio was off, I pressed the button to turn it on and immediately regretted the decision.

“BECAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DAY, YOU’VE TAKEN ONE DOWN, SING A SAD SONG JUST TO TURN IT AROUND…”

“OFF!”

At that moment, no lyrics to any song had pissed me off so much.

Minutes pass, and a dead-silent car ride later I arrive at my destination, Target. Deciding I didn’t want to get drenched again I drove around in circles until I found a spot close enough to the store. I got out of the car and booked it, running through the rain like a cat trying to escape the clutches of Pepe Lepew. Although dripping wet, I was glad to walk through the automatic doors. My task was halfway done. I started to wipe my shoes off and made my way through the secondary doors. I took that first step onto the tiled, shiny floor, and heard an obnoxiously loud “SQUEEK.”

“F*ck.”

With great new shoes, comes great loud squeakiness.

Annoyed I looked up and saw a security guard standing directly in front of me and staring me down proudly. I took a deep breath and tried to cool down. All I wanted on my mind was the feel of a nice new controller in my grasp and the touch of soft new tube socks around my sensitive feet. I squeaked past the security guard and hoped the sounds of my shoes had annoyed him, just so someone could share in the aggravation of my day.

I made my way over to the sock section of the store and began to look around. So many socks, so little time. Reading over every bag and checking out the prices, I became lost in thought as to what kind I should get. Out of no where I heard the pitter patter of steps coming closer towards me. I turned around and looked down at the end of the aisle, to notice a small African American child staring at me intently, hiding behind a few hanging pajama pants. Being friendly I let out a

“Hey there.”

No response. The boy turned and pitter pattered away. Shrugging it off as nothing I made a commitment to a bag of socks and tucked it under my arm, ready to pick me up a new controller. Squeaking my way towards the electronics section of the store I eventually found the Xbox gear. I quickly became annoyed. The only type of controllers the store had were bright blue, with weird, yellow, leopard stripes across them. “Great.” I couldn’t decide what to do. After a tough morning and a long journey in the rain, all the store had were ugly gross looking controllers. What would my friends think? I couldn’t have my buddies over for a little game of Madden without them taking an easy jab at my sexuality when they saw my leopard striped controller. Should I venture elsewhere? After a debate with myself I decided I would take any hazing that came my way and would obviously deserve, because it was more important to play videogames than look cool while doing it.

I grabbed the controller off the shelf and let out a sigh. Immediately I began to hear the familiar pitter patter sound I heard from the sock section. As I turned around I felt something hit my right leg with a little bit of force. I looked down to see the same African American boy grasping onto my leg and looking straight up at me.

A bit caught off guard I smiled awkwardly and said “Uhh.. Hi kiddo.”

No response, just an intense stare right back at me. I took a step forward to try and gesture to the child that I would like the use of my leg back. He held on. I took another handicapped step, but the child only held on more intently. Confused and embarrassed I began to question him.

“Hey, are you lost buddy? Are your parents around?”

Still no response. I began to think that maybe he was deaf, or maybe he was just scared. But if he was scared of me, why wouldn’t he let go?

“… Can I get you something? … Is your mom around?”

No response. I started looking around for a sign of a mother missing a child, couldn’t seem to see anyone who might fit the description. I started thinking about how silly I must have looked. Tube socks under one arm, leopard striped controller under the other, and a small African American child attached to my leg. I began to squeak and hobble my way down to the end of the aisle and looked around again. This was the last thing I needed. With everything that had happened so far, it had seemed yet another predicament had found me…

To be continued…

Parental Confusion

2006-05-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

-Part 1-

It was a rainy morning. I woke up to the sound of water drizzling against my window with a slight hangover from having one too many gimlets before I went to bed. Sat up, threw on my masculine, soft, yet still sexy blue slippers and trudged downstairs. Still not capable of making a single focused, comprehensible thought, I walk into the kitchen and stare at my coffee brewer. After a few moments of spaciness, I soon realize that to my dismay the coffee beans aren’t going to grind themselves. Hobbling over to the cabinet I grab the coffee brewer and begin the unbearable task of grinding and brewing coffee while still hungover and tired.

Moments pass, coffee is brewed.

I consider myself extremely successful at life. Despite the weather things are looking up, and all I want to do is play Xbox until my thumbs fall off. I stumble over to the television, hit the on buttons on everything I need to, and pick out an inviting corner of the couch that I can become one with for the next hour. I place my coffee on a nearby stool, so I can reach it with as little effort as possible, and I lay down, controller in hand, ready to get lost in the wonderful world of videogames. Life, just doesn’t get any sweeter.

I reach over and take a sip from my “Greatest kid in the world” coffee mug. Focused on my game, my peripheral vision makes a note, and I can see in the corner of my eye something stirs at the other end of the couch. My dog, realizing I’m now awake, gets up from her slumber and jumps over to see me. I break from the staring contest I’m winning with my TV. to brace for the impending impact.

I’m hit.
Burning.

I slowly open my eyes and carefully look down to assess the damage. My white t-shirt is stained with the essence of Colombia’s finest coffee beans. My poor dog, confused with what had just happened has retreated, and I’m left with a burning sensation all over my chest. During this moment of despair I glance up at the TV, and although hurt I am impressed with my senseless male reflexes. During the heat of the moment, it had been more important to me to pause my game and take the burn- than to lose my place and avoid collision. I sit up, relieved. I begin to scour the floor for the potentially empty coffee mug, ready to pour myself another cup.

I eventually spot the handle of the mug jetting out from underneath a nearby blanket. I reach down to pick it up when I suddenly become frightened. Next to my blanket lies my controller, helpless, and covered with coffee. Panicking, I rush over to the kitchen counter and grab as many paper towels as I possibly can with one swipe. I run over and kneel down on the floor as if ready to perform CPR on a dying man. Taking caution, I gently wipe away the coffee from every inch and button on my poor patient. I am hopeful, optimistic. I tell myself he’ll be ok, that we’ll be back on the couch in no time, ready to pick up where we left off, that things will be different next time around, “Please… I won‘t put you in danger…I won’t press pause… I’ll put you down first…”

I finish cleaning up the controller and hope for the best. I sit back down on the edge of the couch, ready to unpause my game and pray to god I don’t have to reset the Xbox. I close my eyes, slide my thumb over the start button and slowly apply pressure. I open one eye and glace up at the screen, realizing to my horror that my controller’s time in this world, has ended.

“F********************CK!”

Lightning crashes. Coffee Burns. I’m alone in my living room with a scared dog, and no way to communicate with my Xbox.

I’m extremely upset. My plans for a lazy day on the couch have been ruined. As much as I don’t want to, I realize what must be done. I will shower, I will get dressed, I will grab an umbrella and I will travel to the nearby store known as Target, to purchase yet another Xbox controller… this will be lucky number 4. Annoyed, I throw away my stained paper towels and begin to head back upstairs to start my day.
For Target awaits…

To be continued…

Tivo and Some Random Thoughts

2006-05-04T13:04:00.000-05:00

All of those who have it, or have had it, know the greatness of Tivo (or whatever generic DVR you have). TV watching is an inherently lazy activity. We watch to escape the complicated matters of life. To eat potato chips and get lost in other peoples problems while forgetting about our own. In the early days of television, nightly schedules were planned around favorite television shows. Reruns were unheard of, so if you REALLY loved Lucy, you would change any plans in order to catch the show.

Then suddenly, from the wreckage of Beta emerged the VCR. No longer would 20-somethings be forced to put off having drinks with their friends in favor of catching the newest M.A.S.H. episode.

As with all things in life, though, people got used to the VCR quickly and instead of focusing on its strengths, they would harp upon its weaknesses. With the advance of cable television, it would be a common problem for 2 or 3 good shows to be on at once. This, of course, would mean that the television watcher was shit outta luck. Other problems such as tracking and the overly complex procedure of taping a show whilst watching another exposed the VCR for the handy yet utlimately flawed machine that it is/was.

Then along came a beacon of hope for TV junkies. The Tivo. Armed with digital video, a built in TV guide and endearing Seinfeld-esque popping noises, this monster of a DVR is changing the way people watch television.

I won't go into the details of what makes Tivo so great in too much detail as I'm sure we're all very familiar with it by now. Here are a few of the highlights though:

* The ability to rewind moments in which crazy things happen on live TV. This is particularly useful during sporting events in which questionable calls or amazing plays are made. It also came in handy the other day when Katharine McPhee of American Idol had a wardrobe malfunction on live TV. If not for Tivo I wouldn't have been able to watch her reveal her unmentionables to the world in super slo-mo 3 times.

* The ability to pause when receiving a phone call or when you need to pee. This is self explanatory.

* The ability to fast forward through commercials. Sure, the VCR can do this, but can the VCR fast forward at 32x? I think not.

* Not having 304930 unlabled blank tapes lying around the house. I have this problem still because I have tons of tapes in my house. Most of them are unimportant. Yet I can't bring myself to throw them away because I think that some of them may be greatly important. I have McGwire's 62nd home run and Ripken's 2131 game laying around somewhere after all. Still Tivo labels everything appopriately automatically so that you lose nothing of importance and avoid unneccesary clutter.

These are only a few of the grand features, but since I am a Tivo disciple, I am inherently lazy and thus do not want to go further into depth on this matter. The point is that Tivo is the bee's knees and every home should get one if they don't have one already.

And now for some random thoughts:

* I am convinced that Fear Factor writers do madlibs from a bank of words like "maggoty" and "eyeballs" in order to come up with new ideas for the show. This makes reading the description of the show more entertaining than the show itself sometimes. The most recent episode reads as follows..."Contestants repose in a coffin full of snakes and later bob for pig hearts in a tub of cow eyeballs." Just great.

* Has a character ever added less to a very good show than Elvin on The Cosby Show? The man is surrounded by great entertainers and comedians and he has the charisma of Ben Stein.

* I wonder how much Jeopardy knowledge sticks with Alex Trebeck. I think that they should do a primetime Jeopardy special in which he and Ken Jennings go head to head. The ratings would go through the roof.

* On Tabasco bottles it says that it takes 3 years to make it. Does this mean that at the launch of the company they had to wait three freakin' years before selling a single bottle? If there was a fire at the Tabasco plant, would they be fucked for three years to come? This would suck for me because I love myself some Tabasco.

* Has any company gotten more mileage out of an ad campaign than the Mastercard priceless series? The first of these that I can recall made its debut during the Sosa/McGwire home run chase of 1998. That was 8 whole years ago. Since, Barry Bonds has beaten the record that McGwire set, and McGwire and Sosa have retired with virtually no remaining popularity due to a steroids scandal. This is a long time. Its time to get some new ad wizards over at Mastercard.

* Perhaps the longest running single commercial is the Aflac spot featuring Yogi Berra being an idiot. This was sort of funny the FIRST time I saw it, but not really. It has now been 3 years and I still can't watch a baseball game without catching it at least 3 times. I can't accurately express how much I hate this commercial.

* It really is a miracle that Martha Stewart has any remaining popularity. First and foremost it is clear that she is a huge bitch. In the few minutes I've watced in her show, she has literally no interest in what her guests have to say. She has virtually no charisma and she sounds like freaking Vin Diesel when she opens her mouth. Her skill is arts and crafts projects that are too complex even for stay at home moms who have nothing to do. She is clearly a bad person as she tried to cheat our economy by taking illegal stock tips. What is America's fascination with her? She sucks. Period.

Thats all for now. Stay tuned.

The Monday List of Awesomeness (4/24)

2006-04-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

Links, Blogs, Etc.
* This week's amazing medical link. They restarted a girls dormant heart after 12 years. Creepy.

* This guy started with a red paper clip and has made a series of trades up to a free year of rent in Phoenix. Yet another thing I wish I had thought of.

* Fat melting is the new Botox.

* Here is a map that details the depressing gas prices around the United States.

* For all our New York readers, keep your eyes open for a million dollar penny.

* The top 15 strangest coincidences of all time.

* A creepy disorder that turns your muscle into bone.

* This may be the sleezy scheme of the decade.

Videos
* This guy recreated the saddest moment in Red Sox history via Nintendo RBI Baseball and the live broadcast of the 1986 World Series game 6. While I hate to see this moment, you've gotta respect his nerdy attention to detail.

* The worst game show contestant in history. Hands down.

* Awesome Mousetrap sytle Japanese machines.

* A bullets path caught in super-slow-motion. Very cool.

* Andrew Dice Clay defines the term "washed up"...oh yeah...and the word "douchebag".

Games
* Another addictive game. Touch all the same colored squares.

* Yet another addictive game sent to me by Tad Moses. Don't hit the walls or other objects.

Some Thoughts on Tivo

2006-04-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

The Monday List of Awesomeness (4/10)

2006-04-10T14:18:00.000-05:00

I know that you have all been clamoring for more awesomeness these days, but I have been working hard and haven't had much time to nerdily search the internet. And I'll be damned if I bring you an inferior product. As such it took my many weeks to assemble enough awesome links to bring you a full list of awesomeness. And here it is...

Links/Blogs

* Here are some sweet remedies to try out compliments of Woody.

* A nice list of the Top 87 worst predictions of all time.

* They are inventing a gum that actually cleans your teeth. Why this took so long to come up with is beyond me.

* Real life heroes David Bleak and Jose Lopez could have taken Chuck Norris AND Jack Bauer to the house.

* For the Arrested Development fans. The top 25 moments in the shows short history.

* Awesomest nerdy science article of the week: Woman able to see without eyes.

* Uh ohhhhh.

* How to be the coolest and most popular tailgaiter ever.

Videos

* Crazy lady. Very very funny.

* This is the most rewarding thank you to any gift every given.

* A condensed version of every dunk in the 2006 NCAA dunk contest.

* A great Daily Show clip highlighting Fox News' shameless use of sex.

* Uncensored Full House screw ups. This feels wrong for some reason.

Games

* Excitebike, only the point is to hit as many things as possible. Very therapeutic.

* A grossly enjoyable game. Don't Shoot the Puppy.

* The old Pacman that we know and love.

* Just like that old carnival game where you bop the monsters. Lots of fun.

* A cool 360 degree mix of Pong and Alleyway.

* Test your visual estimation skills.

Reliving College

2006-04-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

A couple of weekends ago I traveled back to my old stomping grounds, Syracuse University, to run amuck with my ol’ chaps and to enjoy the sound stylings of William “I’m Only Doing Concerts To Fund My Drunk Driving Bills” Joel.

I was excited to be able to leave on a Thursday, thus allowing me to have a full college weekend as I had done so many times in my four glorious years at the Cuse. A creature of habit and tradition, as an undergrad my college schedule was fully structured on a weekly basis. Here is how the schedule looked for the majority of my weekends:

Thursday
10:00 – Power Hour (which often turned into a Century Club)
12:00-2:00 – Heavy drinking and dancing at Darwins

Friday
1:00 – Pizza Hut
5:00 – Sheraton for Happy Hour and free pizza/wings
7:00- 2:00 AM – Chucks for $3 pitchers

Saturday
1:00 – Taco Bell
Nightime – Random Parties or back to Chucks

Sunday
All Day – Recovery and Sopranos

THMP scribe Tad Moses and I decided to attempt to go by this schedule as best we could in an effort to relive the glory that we once experienced and now long for. It all began fairly well, though we weren’t able partake in the power hour. The girls with whom we were staying are not big fans of the power hour and as such we replaced our favorite past time with card games. Following a few rousing trips up and down the river, we left for Darwin’s with a solid buzz. Dancing ensued and I was pleased to see many of my younger friends now old enough to get into such a prestigious bar. Due to an empty stomach and a lack of conditioning, the rest of the night was lost as I reached blackout status by about 1:00.

I woke with a fairly solid hangover, but I remained determined as perhaps the most challenging day of the weekend lay ahead. It began with the traditional Friday trip to Pizza Hut where Tad, Michele and I stuffed our faces with the greasy lunch buffet. As I ate, I broke into a sweat. My body is no longer used to fighting a hangover while digesting greasy food on very little sleep. Still, I fought on. This is what college is all about after all.

After only an hour’s rest it was time to embark upon the journey that is Happy Hour. It began at the Sheraton where it always has. We stood in a lengthy line with desperate students who had starved themselves in preparation for the free wings and flavorless French bread pizza. I quickly found that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I gave my extra wings away as the still college aged Michele looked at me with disgust. I bowed my head in shame. To make up for my disappointing eating efforts, I offered to buy the next pitcher. Still feeling overheated, I picked up a glass of water along with the pitcher. When I returned Michele and Neddy immediately pointed to the water and asked aggressively “what the hell is that?”. I then realized in getting water I carried the Scarlet Letter revealing that I was no longer a college student. I was consuming a non-alcoholic beverage at Happy Hour. Filled with even more shame I joking answered “straight vodka bitches!!” and let out a pathetic nerdy half-laugh. They were not amused.

Completely full, and not yet drunk at all, we moved on to Chucks for the remainder of the evening. After a couple of pitchers, I was beginning to feel in the groove again. Basketball was on and the booze was flowing. But as the night moved on it got progressively louder and more packed. I instantly found myself becoming angry with the inability to hear my friends speak and the insane amount of effort it took to move even feet away. Following the exciting conclusion of the BC/Nova game, we decided to leave in favor of a house party that we had caught wind of. I was secretly pleased to leave the overly hot and jampacked bar which I once called home.

The house party was no better for my ego. Tad and I entered with pride as we eyed up the beer pong table. This, we thought, is where we would re-assert our awesomeness. It began well. Two consecutive victories in a decisive fashion. Tad and I were on top of the world again. Dominating. There was a buzz in the party about our dominance. I cracked my knuckles to intimidate the next team. Then, it all fell apart. About two minutes later Tad and I left the table. Losers. We put our names back on the list. Another hour passed and we had lost again. We walked home wondering where our youth had gone.

Saturday was grand as Billy Joel played all the tunes we longed to hear. The nighttime was filled with drinking and Dance Dance Revolution. Good times.

I chugged a Red Bull on my ride home. I needed it. I was drained both physically and emotionally. I felt fat, smelly, tired and gloomy. I looked back on my college years with shock and amazement. How the hell did I make it through such an unhealthy lifestyle every weekend for FOUR FUCKING YEARS? This lead me to the following conclusion.

College kids are well-trained machines of unhealthiness. Sure, I would like to think that I could go back now and fit right in. But I’ve been gone almost a full year now. Can an Olympic marathoner skip a year or training and go right back into the fray? I think not.

My point is that, in college, while we are writing papers and filling in Scantrons, we are all a part of something bigger. College quietly puts us on an impeccably efficient and methodical 4 year training regimen on how to be as unhealthy as possible while still feeling healthy.

Freshman Year
This year of training is put towards learning how to drink without making a COMPLETE ass of yourself. This year is for getting all of the vomiting, drunk dials, and other faux paus rookie drinking moves out of our system. While we all pulled these moves well beyond our freshman year, this year is meant to at least cut down on these drinking errors somewhat. This year is also crucial for learning the rules to as many card games as possible for future house parties. Nothing is as embarrassing as someone starting a game of “Asshole” and you not knowing how to play. Almost as important, freshman year expands our stomachs greatly with unlimited greasy dining hall food and sugary carbonated beverages.

Sophomore Year
This year is devoted mostly to learning the skill games that are difficult to pull off in a tiny dormitory. Beer pong and flip cup abilities reach their peak and we begin to play “Asshole” with an almost startling efficiency. Socials are no longer excitedly announced verbally when someone completes the set of 7’s. Everyone just raises their Keystones and solo cups and the game moves on. This year is also very important for social expansion since our group of friends grows beyond our dormitory hall. For many weed is smoked at a great rate since RA’s are no longer an issue. Bad eating habits continue.

Junior Year
Most people have off campus houses by now which opens up all new possibilities. The weed smokers jump for joy as they rip bongs in their own living rooms without consequence. House party throwing becomes standard. Homeowners quickly become familiar with how to deal with cops and noise violations. By junior year at least 3 of your friends have been arrested for drinking related incidents. The food thing is a lost cause now since you have to cook for yourself. You spend all of your parents’ money at Sbarro or whatever on campus fast foodery is available. Heck, its either that or Rahmen every night. You can design your own class schedule at this point, so Thursday becomes the new Friday. The lucky ones are able to drink heavily 4 nights in a row now. Fights also begin over who has to return the keg for the deposit.

Senior Year
Senior year is the apex of unhealthiness. This is mostly due to the full fledged allegiance to the bar scene. Drinking reaches an all time high. You pregame with an amount of alcohol that would’ve sent you into a coma freshman year. Shots and pitchers at the bar are abundant. You add about 1000 extra calories to your diet because you can’t resist three slices on your drunken walk home from the bar. Sleep is at an all-time low because you don’t want to waste a second of your last year of college. While the weed smoking typically dies off, it is often replaced by cigarettes, which act as a good social activity. Plus they are wicked addictive. Basically if this year was relived over and over, even the healthiest among us wouldn’t live past 30.

I realize this becoming longwinded, but I had to record my thoughts on the amazing formation of an unhealthy college senior. I feel like this progression deserves its own Rocky-style training montage. It is astounding, and I didn’t even realize it as I was living it. Only one weekend back at the Cuse and I was completely spent.

Do I mean to dissuade those who are reading this and are still in college? Fuck no. I wouldn’t trade my grossly unhealthy college years for anything. I just mean to observe how effortless the transition from healthy high school athlete to partying-going college slob is. And it happens to us all.

So, in conclusion, live it up ye college heads. You are have a long future of jobs, trips to the gym and Perrier drinking ahead of you. Enjoy this period when you are the most in out-of-shape that you’ll ever be.

My First Gun by Sam McManus

2006-04-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

One of THMP’s most faithful readers, Sam McManus, has become as disguisted as the rest of you with the state of updates on this blog. As such, he has generously volunteered a guest blog chronicling his experience in buying his first gun. For context to those of you who don’t know Sam, upon graduation from Occidental University, immediately moved to the lonesome state of North Dakota. He now works tirelessly on an oil rig, playing guitar and fishing when he gets a moments break. He is a true original. And here is his story.

My First Gun

I bought my gun at a Walmart on a snowy December day. Having never shot or been near a gun before, I didn’t know what to expect. But I suppose this story starts a month before the gun purchase.

It happened in November. Driving back from the bar to the oil rig I decided it would be a good idea to see what kind of off road capabilities a Volvo XC has. I would slip off the road and onto the prairie laughing to the tunes of Tom Petty. Now that was fun. There are no cops within 50 miles of me easy, so I can do, and am doing, whatever I damn well please.

Needless to say I crashed my car. It was a small drainage system from a watershed that feeds the Little Missouri River, and yet the shallow ditch left my car un-drivable. With the towing and repair arrangements made in the next few days, it took over three months to get my Volvo fixed in North Dakota.

A month later without a car and stranded in my empty apartment, I began my mission to Walmart through the winter storm.

A snowy December day in North Dakota is not what (we) New Englanders are adjusted for. There is a steady wind that constantly howls across the land. The wind won’t blow over your trash barrels but rather it will, and it does, blow them away to Texas. The snow’s reaction to these incessant gale force winds is to accumulate only behind whatever doesn’t get blown away for example: a garage, a rock, frozen cattle, a fire hydrant, and hypothetically if there were trees up here, a tree. One side of an object will have no snow accumulation, and the other side will have a large snow drift mapping the wind’s shadow. Dodging snow drifts, and squinting through the blinding wind, I reached my destination.

I entered the 80 degree shopping super center bundled in layers of long underwear, fleece, gloves, and a heavy coat. My former moustache was frozen to my face as I passed the strange looks from the soccer moms, ranchers, and other guys with moustaches not frozen to their faces. I guess they all drove to the store that day. But funny looks aside I was on a mission: to buy a gun, and some M and M’s.

There are some things that you just have to do with confidence. Buying a computer, for example, is something I would feel shameless in asking hundreds of dumb questions about ram, memory, gigs, etc. that I wouldn’t fully understand the answers to, but this wasn’t a computer. This was a gun and I was clueless. I wouldn’t even know what to ask anyways, “So what can I kill with this one?” There are many types of decisions that we must make in life; some that we must be provoked and talked into, some that we must be talked out of, and some that we must rely on pure instinct alone. When I am cold, I put on a jacket. When I order a steak, I say “medium rare”. And when I buy a gun, I get “that one”.

The sales clerk is extremely busy that day and gives me some paper work while I give him a credit card. The paper work seems very straight forward, but with the adrenaline running high, and my IQ its natural low, I manage to spell Massachusettes wrong (as always) and wrote in long hand in every box where only abbreviations are legal (States: MA, or ND and some other stuff). The clerk comes over eventually, and holds my hand while I fix several errors on the paper work. After a very brief back round and identification check he hands me my gun, and then, as if pop quizzing me reminds me not to forget to buy ammo.

This was another one of those things that I couldn’t ask for help with because it would totally blow my cover. He directs me to the ammo section and leaves to help another customer.

Stroking the handlebars of my untrimmed stash, I knew that this was the hardest thing I would have to overcome on this revolutionary day. I had already put back on my hat, and coat, and now was cursed with a very important decision: purchasing the right ammo. I felt as if I were Jack Bauer transported back to The Three Musketeers but without the sex appeal. Maybe it was the tropical climate in Walmart, or maybe it was the “All For One” song whispering gently through the super center, but I was very uncomfortable.

If I buy 20 gauge shells for my 12 gauge Remington, I will get a jam and blow myself up.
If I buy rifle ammo I’m a dumb ass. If I buy the wrong length shells, I’ll jam. If I buy slugs, birdshot, buckshot, heavy load, game load, lead, steel, blanks, or who knows, I could give myself away by not knowing what is in season for hunting. And if I take too long or look at too many boxes, he will start asking me questions looking to give me a recommendation that I won’t understand. If I buy too much ammo he’ll think I’m a terrorist, if I buy too little he’ll think I’m a wimp or something, I don’t know, I’ve never done this before. I found this process less impossible than the spelling of Massachusettes, and succeeded, handing over my credit card again, as the overheating process began underneath my layers and the love song climaxed in the back round as he swiped my card.

Now, I always thought there was a waiting period on buying fire arms. Once again Hollywood, as with Fire in the Sky, you have failed to be an accurate source for information, because in that blizzard you bet I walked home with my 12 gauge a few minutes later. And all of a sudden, the soccer moms, ranchers, and sketchy looking people stopped giving me strange looks.

A friend of mine and a home grown North Dakotan says that gun safety is to be able to shoot what you are aiming at. I bet a lot of people feel differently.

Walking home through a blizzard with a gun is much easier than without. The wind was at my back, the snow drifts parted, and the building door nearly opened itself. Upon arriving home I dead-bolted the door, closed the blinds, and stripped down to my white thermal long underwear. I assembled my shotgun in my bunker, tested out the pump action, “CHK-CHECK”, and for a moment found true happiness.

And One For All,

Sam the Minute Man

A Few Thoughts

2006-03-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

Hey folks. Long time no see. I've been busy livin life, hence the lack of posts. Today is a glorious day though, and I had to share some thoughts with ya'll.

* March is by far the greatest sports month. First, you have March Madness which may be my favorite sports final (unless the Sox are in the series of course). Next, you have NFL free agency. My Redskins just considerably upgraded themselves with Brandon Lloyd, Antwan Randle El, Adam Archuleta, Christian Fauria and Andre Carter. Awsome. Finally we've got a little bit of spring training and world baseball classic which warm me up for the greatest sport on earth. Finally, there is the preparations for fantasy baseball. I couldn't be more psyhed.

* Speaking of March Madness, I filled out two brackets this year. One as myself using all that I know about college basketball. The other was filled out as "Shirley the Office Secretary". I put myself in a girls shoes who knows nothing about basketball. I picked solely based on names, locations, logos and records. I'll post both brackets as soon as I figure out the best way to do it.

Alright, BC just went into double OT so I gotta check it out. I'll get back to you in a bit.

The Monday List of Awesomeness (3/6)

2006-03-06T17:14:00.000-05:00

Links/Blogs
* Here is a list of actors with the most kills in their movies. If Jack Bauer was in movies he'd shit on them all.

* NBA star. Filthy Rich. Hot wife. Gets to sleep with one other woman per year. I'd say Andre Kirilenko pretty much has life figured out.

* Here are the top salaries for TV dads. Michael Bluth slides in at number 6 with a $527,000 salary.

* MC Hammer has his own blog. Too good to be true.

* Apparently it rained blood red rain in India in 2001. Now scientists think its proof of aliens. How come I never heard about this? I'd shit my pants if it was raining blood.

* This is the army's new version of the Hummer. I will laugh heartily when soccer mom's are driving this on the streets by 2009.

* Here is a cool demo of the difference between regular DVDs and the new Hi-Def DVDs. Just drag your mouse over the pictures to see the difference. Its more noticeable than I thought it would be.

* Ok so they've made a new computer out of DNA and Enzymes. Isn't that basically a human being?

* Play the cowbell along with Blue Oyster Cult.

Videos
* This is a very accurate, real life version of the Simpsons opening scene. Pretty cool.

* One of the better local commercials ever. If only there was a Buffalo Road around me.

* So I was posting all those Brokeback Mountain trailer mashups. Here is a site with ALL of them. There are a ton.

Fighting Death- I’m Clinging to Life.

2006-03-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

I write to you now, a broken man. For the last 3 days, nay, 4 days, I have barely seen the light of day, I have not consumed much food, I’ve watched more crappy movies than I would care to discuss, and I have not shaved once. Leading me to believe that if I did venture out, villagers and townsfolk alike would run away in terror from such a ghastly sight…

That’s me. I was a blonde once…before the flu came.

It all started at the beginning of the week. My father came home with what seemed to be a mild cough. Not thinking much of it, I spent the rest of the evening listening to him cough loudly and sneeze. I remember waking up the next morning in my bed with a mild tickle in my throat. The phone rang shortly thereafter and my girlfriend let me know of plans to head to Rockport for the afternoon. Thinking that it would be fun I jumped on board despite the fact I could be coming down with something. After a few hours of sightseeing we headed home in the early afternoon to relax. Not feeling well, I asked her to drop me off so I could get a bit of rest. I got home, jumped into bed, and fell asleep.

Waking up, the pain hit me out of no where around 6 p.m. My head felt as if someone had slammed it into the corner of a brick wall, it was tough to breathe, my sinus’ were all congested, my throat had felt as if I tried to swallow a porcupine, and I was burning up fast. I took my temperature-103 degrees. Deciding that it was a bit high I made a doctor’s appointment for the next day and spent the rest of the night sweating and moaning like a pig in labor.

My fever still way too high, I don’t really remember the trip to the doctor’s. I remember sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by loads of sick people and getting frustrated with how long I was waiting. There was a delirious old woman sitting next to me and she wouldn’t stop burping. Trying not to giggle because (a) it hurt too much and (b) I wasn‘t sure if I was only hallucinating, I looked away and held my head in my hands, my head still ringing with pain. That’s when I looked down and saw the blood. It was all over my sweater and the floor. Apparently at some point my nose began to bleed without my knowing. Looking around for something to clean my pathetic self up with I found a box of tissues and went to work. “God has forsaken me.”

The doctor saw me and was extremely unhelpful (He prescribed some weird antibiotic that I can’t stop throwing up.) He asked if he could take a few blood tests. Jokingly I said “Yeah sure, there’s plenty of it on the carpet in the waiting room,” to which he stood there and replied with an unimpressed stare at how sad I had truly become. He told me to get lots of rest and drink lots of fluid. Honestly, I think I’ve heard that from any doctor I’ve ever seen for any problem. I mean c’mon, if I knew I was going to have to wait for an hour in a room loaded with sick people to hear that again, I would’ve just stayed home and stayed miserable.

I write this blog simply to notify. People have asked where I’ve been, I’ve been getting concerned phone calls, but I’m too weak to answer or converse. You are all in my thoughts-wish me well- but do not trust to hope…it has forsaken this man.

-Jim

The Monday List of Awesomeness (2/27)

2006-02-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

Hey folks. I know I know. I agree wholeheartedly that it is pathetic that this is the first post since last week's list of awesomeness. But I urge all of you to understand that you can't force blogging. I don't wish to make excuses, but those who have blogged before know that inspiration comes in waves. Right now is the great depression at THMP, but we will soon return to the full glory that you've come to expect. I know that Jim is already at work on a nice little piece that can be expected in the near future. While you wait, you can always rely on the sweet ass links that I have painstakingly collected for you, the reader. So without further ado...

Links/Blogs
* Did you guys know that MacGyver's first name is Angus? HAHAHA. Here is a list of celebrity/character first names that you might not know.

* Apparently the idea that diamonds are rare and valuable was created by DeBeers in the 1800's. This only makes me saltier about someday having to spend two-months salary on a ring.

* This one is nerdy, but Zelda is my favorite game franchise of all time and it just turned 20! So here is a look at the top 20 reasons we love Zelda.

* And another one for the nerdy gamers out there. Here is a family tree of game controllers through the decades.

* This site lists celebrities and all of the movies they were offered and turned down, or that they were considered for. Its fun to think about how different some movies would have been with other stars.

* Here's how a bunch of famous companies got their names.

* This weeks Photoshops: Movie Poster Mashups.

Videos
* Here is a condensed version of the entire 2006 slam dunk contest. Hakim Warrick definetly didn't get enough props for his quiet yet effective performance.

* This is a list of links to a bunch of Comedy Central Presents comedy peformances. Most are hillarious. This is the ultimate time waster.

* Here is proof why Scrubs is in my top 10 all time.
- In this clip Terk is having a try-out for an "air-band" that the hospital's lawyer and janitor are forming .
- And in this one Terk refuses to give in to his wife in an arm wrestling contest.
- Here JD and Turk show their love for Sanford and Son.
- A very funny episode based around an Erasure song.
- Just watch it.
- And finally, some outtakes.

* Here is a dad that had WAY to much to drink at parent's weekend. He performs a slam dunk in beer pong. Just hillarious.

Thats it for this week.

The Monday List of Awesomeness (2/20)

2006-02-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

Links/Blogs
* This is somewhat morbid, but interesting anyway. Its a listing of last meal requests for death row inmates. I wonder what I'd get.

* These science articles are freakin nuts. We are soon going to be able to harness the sun's energy by spray painting solar panels on whatever we want. Crazy shit.

* I hope this drug never gets put into production because sleep is one of the greatest things in the world.

* This is a really nerdy article, but I can't help but notice that these things resemble the things that come to kill you in The Matrix.

* Pictures of celebrities who were ugly as kids . Tom Hanks is my personal favorite.

* This weeks Photoshop. Round things made square.

Videos
* Andre Iguadala's rediculous behind-the-backboard dunk. This was the most innovative dunk I've seen in a contest since Vince Carter's dominant performance. Igs was robbed.

* Another Brokeback Mountain trailer mashup thing. This time its the hidden love between C3P0 and R2D2.

* Who doesn't love movie bloopers? Here is the gag reel from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

Games/Downloads
* Alpha Attack. Test your typing skills and accuracy in this sweet game.

* In the spirit of the winter games, I dug up a download of the classic game Ski Free. The irony is that it doesn't allow you to Ski freely at all because a freakin' stick figure beast eats you promptly after you finish your run. Still a great and classic game. Enjoy.

* This is not a game, but it is a great download. Its a program that turns any of your MP3's into ringtones and it sends them to your phone for free. This way you can stop paying $1.50 for a weak selection of songs.

Have a great week everybody.

Phillies 2006: Analysis

2006-02-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

Well I wouldn’t expect the majority of THMP loyal readers to give any shit about the Philadelphia Phillies. ¾ of the writers are Boston heads, many of their friends and associates are Boston heads, and we all know the Red Sox have been much more successful in the past few years than the Phillies have been in over a decade. When I read that fellow writers, Alex Popkin and Doug Warner requested my incite on the Dilly’s upcoming season, I naturally had to oblige.

Phillies 2006:

Now keep in mind that I don’t really know how to include pictures or graphics so that combined with the noticeably less talent compared to the BoSox, should explain why this analysis might be less robust than Doug’s.

Lineup:

Ok well I guess we should start with the Batting Lineup, since that is almost definitely going to be the most impressive part of the team this year. To be frank with you, I really like this lineup. Now the official opening day lineup is still under construction by the front office and Manuel, but it should look something like this:

SS Jimmy Rollins

CF Aaron Rowand

2B Chase Utley

RF Bobby Abreu

LF Pat Burrell

1B Ryan Howard

3B David Bell

C Mike Lieberthal

P Jon Lieber

Jimmy Rollins- J roll is coming off the best half of a season he’s ever played, hitting
safely in 36 straight games. His glove is also a gem to be valued in the hot spot of the diamond, and combined with Chase Utley’s all-out baseball presence of mind, the middle infield is solidified. Jimmy really seems to have found his stroke consistently by being more aggressive and covering more of the strikezone by setting up right on the plate (on either side), and relying on his keen eye and bat speed. His overall patience has improved as well. There’s no chance of expecting the season to start in the exact way it ended, but hopefully Jimmy Rollins can keep the hits coming and get on base at a high rate. This will provide more steals and men in scoring position, which we’ll need to help get runs to support our pitching staff. The offense, and therefore the season, could live or die by J smooth.

Aaron Rowand- We’ve had worse pickups than Rowand. In an off season in which we did need to acquire a centerfielder, we got one, and not too shabby either. Leaving the World Champion Whitesox in the Thome trade, Rowand provides a bit of hitting for our two spot. Albeit probably not as much hitting as we had in Kenny Lofton last year. But I bet he doesn’t pop up shallow nearly as much as Lofton did, especially in clutch situations. It’s nice to not worry about platooning the CF position anymore, but I do hope Rowand earns his keep and maybe has a season like he did in 2004, when he hit .310, slugged .544, and hit 24 dingers, scoring 94 runs. Really though, I just want a good contact hitter out of Rowand and I don’t want over 100 strike outs from our 2 man. In interviews, he has proved happy and excited to be in the city of ‘brotherly love’ and I’m already an Aaron Rowand fan, as I grew up playing CF in little league. If Rowand can prove to be a tough out, it will help our club tremendously. If he plays like the usual “promising” pick up the Phillies acquire, we’ll been in worst position than last year.

Chase Utley- The guy is a stud. Everyone knows this. He even dated my girlfriend’s hairdresser’s daughter, or something of that nature. I have nothing but confidence in this guy’s season for the Phillies. He’s the silent hero day in and day out, when he’s not the clear cut hero, because even if he doesn’t hit the game winning homer or make a great game saving play, his overall playing energy is a delight to watch as a hometown fan. He fights for every play, he constantly plays smart baseball, and his young boy motivation to play the game is inspiring for the city and the team. Chase has improved each year he has played and should be at the top of his game this year. His base-hit stroke has dropped slightly in production as his homeruns, Rib-eyes, and strike outs have increased. One thing I can say is this: he’s as hard playing as a ballplayer comes. He’ll never be the last out of the game.

Bobby Abreu- I love Bobby Abreu. We dated for a few weeks, but he eventually dropped me, wondering why he had strayed from hot ass bitches in his hotel every road game. Bobby represents good hitting. He always ends up with a .302 average, 100 ribs, 100 walks, and 20 stolen bases. He hit 9 jacks in 10 games and was providing our only RBIs for a while. His on-base percentage was looking phenomenal at the all-star break and he decided to shatter the homerun derby record when he got there. That sadly, was the highlight of the season for him, as he slumped in the second half of the season, possibly costing us the playoffs. His whole batting situation went out of whack and he started striking out more and walking much less. He (gasp) DIDN’T hit .302, but instead hit .287. This started a buzz in Philly, as the everyday shmuck (many of them) started calling for crazy trades all involving Bobby so that we could pick up a much needed ace for our pitching staff. They’re right. We do need an ace for our pitching staff. That’s the number one thing we need. But the LAST thing we need to do is trade Bobby Abreu. He’s the team veteran behind stinky old Mike Lieberthal, and he’s the most reliable ballplayer we’ve ever had (since I’ve been alive). Those who want to dish him are very concerned that we’re squandering a chance to deal Abreu while his stock is highest, and the chance will be lost by the trading deadline this year. I say ‘nay’ Philadelphia boneheads. We need Bobby to make a playoff run, and I never want to see him leave Philly. I will admit, throwing arm aside, his defense is suspect. However, the MLB associates apparently disagree with me, because he was awarded a gold glove last year so….

Pat ‘the bat’ Burrell- Pat has dealt with strife and criticism in his career. The great thing about him is that he is more of a badass than he lets on, and he is always undeterred by problems. He’s played through injuries, through slumps, through heavy criticism by common sports fans as well as hometown followers. And then, holy shit. Look at the man’s stats last year. He really can play some ball. Last year he finally got back to form after a terrible year (in which he still hit 21 HRs) and then a mediocre year, as the 2005 season mirrored his breakout season back in 2002. He started being more patient, walking more, and hitting extra base hits as well as homeruns. My critiques of Burrell, who is not my favorite Philly, is that he strikes out way too much. He always has, and long ball hitters do, but thank god for Adam Dunn because you’d hear way more national publicity of Burrell’s Ks if Dunn wasn’t around. Also, I’ve noted over the years that Burrell is not mr. clutch. He has hit big homeruns in key situations, yes. But overall at the 5 spot, I need some magic and he seems to fold most often, when the situation is dire.

Ryan Howard- It’s easier to say than ‘Rosenbagger’, and he also was the rookie of the year in 2005. The most exciting new player in the Phillies’ clubhouse is officially the Phils’ 1^st baseman this year, as Jim Thome was sent to the ChiSox. The man is a monster at the plate, and if he can learn to lay off the high heat and low off speed, he’ll be an all-star at 1^st base. Ok….wishful thinking. But honestly, I don’t believe he’ll have the sophomore slump many in Philadelphia do. The impressive thing about this man’s swing is that he almost NEVER pulls the ball. He’s such a beast, that he sits back on a pitch and clocks it to deep center, and even the opposite field. You may be thinking, yeah well the left field fence is short and he eeks them by maybe (SEE Mike Lieberthal). Well, put simply: No. You dumbass. Howard is muscles from Brussels (St. Louis MO). He just has power, which I love in a cheaply paid fresh-faced young player. The real pickle in Philly has become debating in which order our 3,4,5,6 should go. It’s harder than it seems, but easy for me to decide. The last time I checked, the most common argument was Utley:3, Abreu: 4, Burrell: 5, and Howard: 6, which is what I’ve offered you. Alterations range from Howard in the 4 spot to Utley batting 5. I would only agree with Manuel averting from this plan if Burrell can’t slug hard enough. This could be remedied by Howard switching with Burrell if Howard is up to snuff (Howard had a .570 slugging pct. in his 90 games last year). Other than that, the only changes should be made if Chase or Bobby are hitting lefties better than righties or vice-versa.

David Bell- I can’t decide who has been more detrimental to a Philadelphia sports team in the past 20 years, Terrell Owens or David Bell. In 2002, David Bell helped take the Giants to the World Series, batting behind Barry Bonds and knocking in 80 runs along with hitting 20 homeruns. Now even this is not that special, but it was his best season ever. David Bell is a plague on our team and if he quit baseball today it would be ten years too late. Bell was picked up in the wake of losing the greatest 3^rd baseman in baseball, Scott Rolen. He was supposed to maintain our 3^rd base value with his glove but he has ruined many a ballgame and blown many a lead with errors, poor decision making, and terribly un-clutch batting performances. When he hasn’t been shitting the bed, he has been injured. He barely keeps his head above water with some rare base knocks with no one on base and the occasion web gem. I move to slowly start phasing this man out of the organization if we’ve decided to not drop him entirely. In the offseason, the Phils picked up a plethora of utility infielders to make many backup possibilities and eventual infield platooning. Alex Gonzalez and Abraham Nunez can play some hot corner and I would like one of the two to play at least all the games vs. right handed starters. David Bell hit .199 against righties last year and .400!!! against lefties. Do the fucking Calculus, Manuel! Further more, Bell has a terrible attitude and even worse team comraderie, which makes him useless to me and useless to the Philadelphia Phillies.

Mike Lieberthal- This year, Mike Lieberthal is set to break the record for most season openers started as a catcher, with ten straight starts. This means that yes, he is getting old, and yes, his good years are behind him. Great hitting catchers are hard to come by, but Lieberthal doesn’t even call as good a game as a seasoned veteran should, and he hasn’t been able to throw anybody out at second for years. Granted, the base stealing threats of Pierre and Furcal have moved to the western division, but you still have to be a man’s catcher if you wanna earn some respect. Jon Lieber even requested Todd Pratt, the very seasoned veteran, catch for him every game last year, after June. Lieber’s a smart pitcher and he knows what he wants working behind the plate. (Also I understand the irony that Lieber doesn’t want to pitch to (Lieberthal) I have a soft spot for Lieberthal, as he is a career Phillie and he gave us some good years. Sadly however, Lieby’s a poor man’s Tom Berenger, with less skill and weaker baseball mind, but just as much heart. Look for Sal Fasano to come in and bail him out if he gets hurt or gets tired. We also have acquired Carlos Ruiz, which means we know Lieberthal’s days are numbered.
Pitching:

Worse off than last year, we need a patchwork quilt of heroes to stay in the pennant race. Everybody’s favorite Phillies pitching veteran, Randy Wolf is going to go through rehab from surgery this year and won’t be available until at least July, if at all. Vincente Padilla is gone, and most would argue that’s a good thing. Taking his place is an even more enigmatic Ryan Franklin however, who is the only pitcher, as far as I know, to be officially caught juicing in the Major leagues. Even worse, we lost our intimidating setup man in Uqueth Urbina, who had blazing pitches that were only surpassed by his skill with the machete. On three counts of assault and attempted murder, Urbina may be spending 10-20 in jail, but he’s certainly never pitching for Philadelphia again. Worst of all, we lost our lights out closer Billy Wagner. The only team he could have gone to in efforts to make matters worse for the Phillies would have been the Atlanta Braves. Unfortunately he still went second worse, the New York Mets. While Arthur Rhodes and Flash Gordon are great pitchers, we can all agree they are steps down from what we had last year for our setup and closer. Things are unraveling.

1) Jon Lieber- Lieber really showed his worth last year. He struggled through the summer, but was nearly perfect in September. He always took his games seriously and fought for the team. His strikeouts and pitching command were impressive, but we never seemed to get him any runs when it was his turn. He still ended up with 17 wins and retained the “ace” status for the ballclub. Since it doesn’t look like we’re going to be acquiring a real ace this year, it looks like Lieber is going to have to be phenomenal all year for us to gather enough wins for a playoff push. He is aging, but I have no reason to suspect that he can’t be as good a pitcher as he was last year. I don’t need him to get a ton of strikeouts, but it would be nice. It seems like his confidence always stays the same, but opposing batters become more or less intimidated based on how many strikes he’s throwing on a particular night. Lieber has to lead us, and it’s not really fair to ask the guy for more than 17 wins, no matter how many runs we get him.

2) Brett Myers- Oh boy. Brett Myers. He’s a personal favorite of mine. His hook was once prophesized to be the best in the game, and he’s come into his own as a great pitcher. One thing Philly fans know about him however, is that he’s an absolute head-case. If one of our boys commits a costly error, an ump makes a bad call, or even if HE makes a mistake, he rarely gets back on track. This kills the Phillies often, because with the team we’ve got, we have to hold strong with heart and guts and not let problems get worse. Nothing bothered Myers more than our short leftfield wall, which is being slightly retracted. This, if nothing else, will be good luck for Myers, who knows how to pitch a solid ballgame, even under pressure. He lead the team in ERA (3.67) and strikeouts (208) last year, continue this trend and we’ve got a very solid 2-man.

3) Corey Lidle- Lidle is a very confusing bastard. He can throw strikeouts, he can pitch deep into games, and he can throw a shit load of ground balls. The problem is that he can go on streaks of doing none of those. I think Lidle is more talented than he is given credit for, but he is not as dependable as he could be. One day he’s got a goatee, the next day he’s baby butt face. In May, he’s 3-0, in August he’s 0-5. Last year he was going through personal problems with his family as well as an aggravated elbow. He was considered for having bi-polar disease, which is actually a good way of describing his pitching seasons. As for all the pitchers, he really is going to have to concentrate on getting a solid 6 innings in, as much as he can. If he surprises, that’s a huge step in the right direction.

4) Ryan Franklin- I don’t really know what to say. I was embarrassed and upset with this pickup, as there were many solid starters still on the market at the time, and we needed one very badly. Our organization is infamous amongst fans for making all kinds of “exciting deals” with players who anyone can see has had no career or has no promise. Franklin is the new Norm Charlton, only without any promise for getting even 10 wins. Once again, if he can bare down……ahhhh…forget it. I’ll just wait to watch him pitch this year.

5) Ryan Madson- Ok now the 5 spot in the lineup is wide open, but the stir in the city is that Madson already has the position. He pitched as a starter in trips A, and was very successful, but all I’ve ever seen outta him as a starter was garbage dump. He didn’t have the command, the endurance, or the groove that a starter needs and I wonder why Gillick, the Phillies’ new GM and Manuel don’t see that. I think he’s very special in his middle relief position. I think he fits in well there, but I would love to see him excel as a starter. I mean, in the 5 spot! Honestly however, I’ll be the first to tell you that he’s going to face all kinds of trouble if he does start in the 5 position, and it will just be a matter of time before he’s put right back into the 6-7 inning gig. We have a host of other pitchers who could try to prove themselves in the 5 hole, including Gavin Floyd, Eude Brito, and Robinson Tejeda. Both Tejeda and Brito pitched ridiculously good ball during Padilla’s recovery time last season and I wouldn’t mine seeing either of them in that spot over Madson, if Floyd’s still not ready. Floyd should be ready however, and he should be the 5-man. It’s all about control and consistency, as are the normal problems for a five spot pitcher. Few hopes for many wins outta the five spot this year.

Bench: I like our bench better than last year, but that’s not saying much. Bunch of scraggly bums we had last year. This year, we’ve accumulated many above average pinch hitters and utility fielders. With the many pitching changes I anticipate during games this year, they will be more important than a bench usually is. I like that we have Nunez, Gonzalez, Fasano, and of course, Tomas Perez. We’ve finally added some depth on both sides of the plate. Last year we only had right-handed batters and were often at a disadvantage. Gillick helped in bits and pieces by gathering some extra help, but he never made a big move for a 3^rd basemen or cather, which we could use. Understandably, we do need to concentrate on pitching first, and that’s why we’ve got problems. Now last year, we had lots of depth in the outfield and not much infield. Now it’s reversed, and the only backup we have out in the grass is Shane Victorino, who has proven he can hit, but what happens (why do I ask jinxing questions) if somebody gets hurt for a while? Shane can’t pick it up. I truly doubt it. Overall, it’ll be fun to watch some of these new guys in the red and white.

Bullpen: I actually like the bullpen this year. We have tons of young talent. I love me some babyface Fultz. Aaron Fultz was absolutely tremendous for us in middle relief last year and it’s a shame Manuel didn’t put him in more often. Instead he stuck with Cormier, who I used to love but now Loath with a passion. He’s too old and he ruined what seemed like 20+ games last year. BUT, wouldn’t you know it, Cormier is still in there ready to pitch us out of a win almost every night. Obviously we took a hit with losing Wagner and I won’t get into how upset I am that we never wrapped up his new contract when it was cheap. It’s the biggest hit the team has taken in the off-season and I’ll rue it all year, I predict. I have faith in Tommy flash Gordon whose personality is also likeable, I found out this winter. If he can be close to lights out for us, I will be very happy. Hopefully old Gordon’s got a couple of solid years left in him.

Tad’s favorites in the bullpen: Fultz, Madson, Brito, Tejeda, Santana

Killers of Tad’s pennant dreams: Cormier

Intangibles: Well let’s see. The leftfield wall has always been a bad joke for our new stadium. It has been moved back slightly, which means no more bitch homeruns, just semi-bitch homeruns. We let up twice as many dingers as we hit over there last year, so I don’t see why everybody’s bitching. Lieberthal won’t get more than five now. Gillick is the new GM. I hated Ed Wade because he never pulled the trigger, but Gillick seems to genuinely want a pennant. He must be on a multi-year plan though, because he was quoted in saying ‘we don’t have a shot without a solid ace in the rotation’. So when are you gonna go out and get him Gilly? A sports fan was quoted in saying, "I've seen this trick before. This is Ed Wade in a Gillick suit." It's not April yet. Maybe old Gilly can pull a Zito out of his pocket. Manuel is the cross between a smart baseball manager and hayseed simpleton. I know it doesn’t make sense but he plays by the numbers, and doesn’t see the things that make great managers great. I don’t like him as our manager, but what are you gonna do? Our city was very close to watching our boys finally in the playoffs last year. It was a very painful tease and if we don’t get a buzz going, the fans will drop like Urbina’s farmhands. Even with all the heroics and walk off game winners, we blew an unbelievable amount of games in unbelievable ways last year, and it seems that we really need that team magic that boosts good teams to greatness. That starts with Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins and anybody else who wants to step up and make it happen.

Where do the analysts put the Phillies this year? 3^rd place. Right behind the Mets.

Where do I put them? 1^st place obviously. We’re gonna play out of our minds and win lots of ballgames, while the Braves deconstruct finally, and the Mets prove to be overrated.

I believe in these guys, but even if you don’t, keep an eye on them because we’re due. Go Fightin’s! 2006.

Comedy hour at the doctor's office

2006-02-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

Douggy Dubs has convinced me to post a story. I was drawn in my decision to write it because it felt like one of those, “you had to be there” stories. Well I now say ‘balls’ to that. If you HAD to be there, then what’s the fun of telling a story? Also, note that there are no exaggerations involved here, unless I decide to make one up, but with those, you will know it when it happens.

So this is about a week ago. I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled and I’m sitting in the general waiting room, quite nervous. There are many people of all ages sitting around me and I get to thinking what everybody probably gets to thinking after a while in the doctor’s general waiting room. ‘How am I going to avoid getting all of the various diseases these people must have?’ I mean, honestly it’s a doctor’s office. Everybody SEEMS ill by the looks of ‘em. There’s no sickness comraderie either. It's not a community of togetherness and compassion. You generally hate everybody else at the doctor’s office, not just because you are battling for position to get to see him, but also that they mirror your sad state of health. So I lose this battle of value amongst the sickies, one by one, and I find myself sitting by myself in the large waiting room reading a health magazine with Shaquille O’neal on the front. I chuckled a little bit. Many times did the door open, and I was sure it was time for me to meet with the doc, but every time I got to see rejuvenated sickies leaving the offices and not the actual doctor himself.

Finally, the door opens for about the 8th time and I’m about to stand up and grab my coat, when I realize it is STILL not the doctor but instead two very old and very senile people, obviously a couple. The woman starts squawking immediately about the appointment or something, while the husband chills with his cane in one arm and other arm resting comfortably on his enormous belly. The jabbering back and forth between these two sounded something like this:

Old woman: And your pants make you look like a gayyyy! You stole the pink and pink plaid from my dresser drawer!!

Old man: You shut u….Youuuu and your talking!

Old woman: Oooooh. Look! They’ve got tulips just like at Helen’s wedding!

At this point the old woman had wandered past the reception desk which was encased in sliding glass windows. She noticed flowers behind the counter and decided to smell them. To my surprise and enjoyment, she goes to smell the flowers and forcefully slams her head into the glass, fully unaware it was there, and recoils in a very bizarre fashion. This is, barely able to stay on her feet but without any response of pain or embarrassment. It was almost exciting for her.

Old woman: OH!!!! Ho ho ho ho!!! Did ya see me Egbert? Hahahahoooo ho hoho! You married a crazy woman! They won’t even let me smell their flowers!!

Egbert decided this was a perfect time to make fun of his wife and be a comedian all at once. I found this very funny as I was the only one left in the waiting room and the secretaries were not paying attention, even after they were attacked by the old woman’s head.

Egbert: Hoooo hohohoho. Call a doctor! Call a HEAD doctor! Nurse! Nurse! Where are the doctors in this place?

The old woman had taken this time to walk over to me and engage in conversation. I tried very hard to pretend I hadn’t been paying attention to this whole circus act, but I caught her eye as she meandered towards me.

Old woman: You see how crazy my husband is? He won’t even shut up when you tell him something and expect him to know what to say!

Me: Heh, well….I mean. …..what?

Old woman: Have you ever been to West Virginia?

Me: umm….thankfully, no.

Old woman: WHAT! Everybody’s gotta go to West Virginia! My granddaughter Helen just got married down there. It’s a beautiful country.

Me: I suppose, as a state, there are some nice parts.

Old woman: Well not as amazing as Wyoming!!

Me: Ofcourse not.

Old woman: I told you, she used to live in Wyoming. Now her husband tells her West Virginia is the place they live. It is beautiful.

Me: West Virginia?

Old woman: Are you LISTENING to me?! You’re like my husband!

Me: gross.

Old woman: I said WYOMING is beautiful.

It’s about this time that Egbert locates his wife and slowly hobbles over. I am excited that Egbert is arriving because he might take his frightening wife away from me. It turns out, Egbert doesn’t have the stones.

Egbert: What’s my old woman telling you about me?!

Me: hahaha, ummm……

Old woman: Nevermind nothing Egbert! I thought I sent you to the car already!

Egbert: Don’t let this old woman tell you anything! She hits her head on something and then she doesn’t know WHO she’s talking to.

Me: ….well, she was..

Old woman: Egbert! If you don’t get going, we’ll never get outta here! Now start moving to the car, I’ll meet you there in ten minutes!

Me: (ohhh, jesus)

Egbert: (turning back around and heading toward the door) ohhh ya stupid (mumbles)

So now it’s just me and crazy old woman. I’m praying for the doctor, as this woman appears to be moving even closer to me.

Old woman: You see that. If I don’t send him to the car, we never get there. It takes him much longer to get places so I have to meet him there.

Me: that sounds…

Old woman: So what was I telling ya about him?

Me: Umm…you were talking about Wyoming.

Old woman: Helen’s from Wyoming!!

Me: ok.

Old woman: Wyoming is beautiful!! The land out there is…OH! Look, they’ve got pictures of the mountains right here!

To my amazement, there were numerous pictures on the wall behind me of mountain ranges, some actually in Wyoming.

Old woman: Those Grand Tetons are amazing. They really are. Of course….you know why they named them that right?

Me: (trying not to think of the obvious joke) …well, no. Actually I don’t.

This is when the old woman leans right next to me and says into my ear:

Old woman: (saying the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud) they call them that because they LOOK LIKE TITTIES!!!

Immediately, I burst into laughter. Not the laughter of a 3rd grader that heard the word ‘titties’. Not from the embarrassment as the secretaries looked over at us. Not laughter that comes from watching an old person being irreverent. Not even from the discomfort that came from the whole situation. I was laughing uncontrollably because when I had written off the obvious, inappropriate thing to say. Something that an old person would almost never say, and most respectful people would never say in public, the old woman had defied my logic and gone ahead and said it. I was in tears.

Old woman: (looking back at the picture) Look at the size of ‘em!!

Me: (after I caught my breath) ….yes. well. I guess that makes sense.

Old woman: Ok. Now, where’s that DAMN Egbert!

Me: You sent him out to the car a couple minutes ago.

Old woman: Oh my god! I better catch him. He’s gonna drive off without me again!

The old woman scuttles off. I sit for a moment, completely forgetting I was in a doctor’s office with a major injury concern, and enjoy the recap of the comedy act just presented for me. Finally, the doctor comes out and calls me in. That was too good an experience to keep to myself. Here’s to fat old Egbert and his crazy old woman. That’s Love. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody.

The Monday List of Awesomeness (2/13)

2006-02-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

Links/Blogs
* While this sleeping bag clothing is very stupid looking, it also looks mad comfortable. It would be the shit for camping.

* Alright, so last week I had a link about an invisible cloak. Now scientist are working on bacon that you can print. Woah indeed.

* Here is an in-depth analysis of the different itterations of the Ninja Turtles over the years. Very informative.

* This week's photoshop contest: Toys you shouldn't give to your kids.

* Most of you have seen this by now but its worth posting again. It has sound, so turn your speakers down at work.

* You can now wear your dead loved one on your ring. Creepy.

Games
* Reverse Bounce. An addictive, if simple game. Just bounce the ball. Its a little bit tough because the controls are reversed.

* Rugby Skills Game. Another fun game made by BBC testing your rugby skills. Definetly challenging.

* Obsessed: The Game. This game is made by MTV. It takes you through every generation of video gaming. I couldn't figure out the controls on some of em, but its still fun.

Videos
* Here is the complete Dave Chappelle interview on Oprah. If you have 40 minutes this is VERY worth watching. It looks like Dave's just a down-to-earth guy who doesn't want all the fame.

* Watch the trailer for the new Jack Black movie made by the Napolean Dynamite guys. Its called Nacho Libre.

* Here's what happens when you open an active switch with 500 kV running through it.

American Idol

2006-02-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

I admit it. I watch American Idol. You probably do too, so stop laughing. I am not alone as 35.5 million viewers tuned in to watch Tuesday, which was good enough to beat the Grammy's. The reason that I like to watch this show is that I enjoy seeing talented people perform. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. For this reason, I completely despise (but I'm still intrigued by) the initial rounds of Idol in which hundreds of people try to make an impression on the judge in various assinign ways. The same pathetic delusionals attempt to make it every year, and it is becoming very formulaic and old. The singers that don't make it to the second round undeniably fit one of the following profiles.

The first is the sassy, finger waver. This person has refused to listen to reason for their entire lives. They come in all shapes and sizes, white, black, fat, skinny, male or female. They are usually marginally good at singing. Maybe good enough to croon for their friends from time to time, but certainly not good enough for the competition. The problem lies in the fact that they simply don't have the talent to sell records, which is really what the show is all about. Because their friends have always told them how good they are they think they have obtained God's gift of voice. During the audtion they try to make Christina Aguileraesque runs with their voices which typically ends up sounding awkward and forced. After they perform they give a defiant look of success and they then get shot down by Simon. They act shocked. It is at this point that they get sassy and begin waving their finger as if Simon is crazy for not taking them. They then leave the room and mouth off to the camera for about 3 minutes about how Simon doesn't know shit and how they are shocked by how stupid he is. They usually then take a quick cheapshot along the lines of "and that british dude has too many wrinkles anyway" and walk off never to be seen again. I can't stand the sassy, finger waver.

The next category is the Momma's boy/girl. This person typically looks like Phil from Wayne's World. You know, the "if you're gonna spew, spew into this" guy. These people have even less talent than the sassy finger wavers. They are green with nerves because they know along with the rest of the world that they aren't good enough for the competition. They are solely at the audition because their mother is old and wrinkly and knows she doesn't have a shot. The mother, though, has sent them to vocal lessons and put them through hell for their whole lives so that they can be her puppet in an attempt to get rich. They obviously have never made a decision on their own and are very uncomfortable performing. The performance usually involves a voice crack and heavy sweating. As they are singing the camera pans to the mom, who says how she can't listen to her child sing because its beauty always makes her cry. Pan back to the singer who is now contemplating suicide. They are told they aren't good enough and they typically walk out with their head down, saying very little. It is at this point that they meet up with their mother outside the audition room and break the news. Mom then takes on the role of the sassy, finger waver. Very very annoying and sad.

The lovable weirdo. This is the person that breaks your heart because they clearly have no friends but seem so nice. Because they have no friends, no one has been able to tell them that they are terrible. Maybe they have studied the tapes of American Idol and fooled themselves into thinking they can do it. I don't know. These people are usually the suckiest of the sucky. William Hung fits the category of the lovable yet delusional weirdo. They literally break your heart to watch. Simon typcially directs these poor geeks towards suicide while Paula strokes their ego.

The twins are a staple of the show as well. Every season there are 4 or 5 sets of twins who can actually sing pretty well. They audition together and sound good together because, surprise, they have the same freaking genetics in their vocal chords. They are then inevitably asked if they are aware that it's called American Idol and not American Idols. They laugh and say yes. Terribly predicatable.

Finally, we have the overly bubbly gimmicky crazy bastard/bitch. This person comes in with too much energy or a stupid costume in the hopes that the judges will pay attention to their energy and apparel rather than their crappy voice. These may be the most annoying of them all. The usually get a whole segment of TV time which is exactly what they want. Usually the judges let one through so there is some character for the world to watch in the second round. They are very calculating and I think all they really want is to appear on Fox. It makes my blood boil that it works. Damn you Fox.

I think that's pretty much it. Even thought I know whats coming, I continue to watch. Its partly a function of a well executed plan on Fox's part, and mostly about my addiction to reality television. Now as the show moves on to the second round I have to prepare myself for the "I woke up with a sore throat" and "I can't sing in a group" drama. This is America's #1 show. What does it this say about America?

2006 Red Sox Preview: The Starters

2006-02-09T09:01:00.000-05:00

Now that I've discussed the starting offense and defense, its time to start talking about pitchers. The old saying is that pitching and defense win championships. With only Tampa Bay, Texas and Kansas City finishing 2005 with a higher team ERA, its no wonder that the Sox were quickly knocked out of the playoffs. Who lead the American League in ERA? Well that would be your world champion Chicago White Sox.

Our fearless leader Theo Epstein and those who acted on his behalf in his absense, have realized that this need for pitching would be our top priority in the offseason. As such, they were the first to act on the Marlins' firesale and obtained a young strikeout pitcher entering his prime in Josh Beckett. The Red Sox now have 7 capable starters on their 40-man roster. While 1 or 2 are sure to be dealt before the start of the season, I will discuss each of them and how they fit into the puzzle.

1. Curt Schilling

Age: 39
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 8-8, 5.69 ERA, 1.53 WHIP, 93.1 IP, 87 K, 22 B, 9 SV
2006 Projection: 12-7, 3.96 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 152 IP, 147 K, 23 BB
2006 Salary: $15 Million. The Red Sox and Schilling have a mutual option for 2007.

Despite battling injury throughout 2005, Curt Schilling is still the leader of this staff. He is one of the games best students as he famously keeps a book with notes on every batter he faces. You can tell that it physically hurts him to lose like he did last year. In a Globe article last week, he said that he feels "normal" for the first time since his famous ankle problem in the 2004 playoffs. As such, I expect our beloved attention hog to put up far better numbers this season.

While he may not get the drive in his legs to throw 95 consistenly, Schilling is a pitcher first and a thrower second. If he can hit his spots consistently at 91-93, he can still be a very effective starter. The projection above seems reasonable, although I would expect a few more than 12 wins out of our ace.

2. Josh Beckett

Age: 25
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 15-8, 3.38 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 179.2 IP, 166 K, 58 BB
2006 Projection: 16-7, 3.87 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 181 IP, 173 K, 57 BB
2006 Salary: $4.325 Million. The Sox avoided arbitration and agreed on this 1-year deal.

This is the prize of the offseason for the Red Sox. With the market for young power pitchers where it is, the Sox were wise in trading for Beckett, who still has another year of arbitration before he can become a free agent. At only 25, Beckett has experience beyond his years as he was the 2003 World Series MVP. He comes in the Roger Clemens model of fearless power pitchers from Texas. He has been described as cocky, but he uses that the his advantage on the mound. It works for Schilling, why not Beckett?

There are question marks about Beckett's health as he has been on the DL for blister problems in each of his professional seasons. Many say that getting out of Florida's humid climate will help him in that department. The good part about these problems is that they have kept his inning count below 200 in each of his most formative years. This means that his arm has not been overworked as his inning count has increased steadily each season.

While I expect Beckett to struggle a bit in adjusting to tougher American League lineups, I think that he will take to the rabid fanbase in Boston very quickly. We've seen him step up on the national stage before, so there's no reason to think he won't do it again. He is a great pickup in exchange for Hanley Ramirez, who in my estimation may never put all of those tools together. I anticipate a lot of Beckett jerseys to be sold very quickly.

3. Tim Wakefield

Age: 39
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 16-12, 4.15 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, 225.1 IP, 151 K, 68 BB
2006 Projection: 13-9, 4.09 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 213 IP, 146 K, 67 BB
Contract: ~$5 Million. Wakefield and the Sox have a perennial option.

Mr. Red Sox, though he doesn't get enough credit for it. Wakefield has been a staple of the Red Sox staff since 1995, by far the longest tenure on the team. He is the innings eater that every team needs to give the bullpen a rest. He also seems to step up whenever the rest of the rotation is faultering.

You know what you are getting when you pencil the knuckleballer into the rotation every year. He'll give you 200+ innings, an ERA in the low to mid 4's and he'll run off two or three hot streaks every year where he is virtually unhittable. While he most likely won't be the #3 guy in the actual rotation, I put him here because he is the next most sure thing.

My only concern is that the loss of personal catcher Doug Mirabelli will hurt him. He is the consumate professional, though, and I think that he'll adjust to a new catcher quickly. Lets just hope the new catcher can adjust to him.

4. Matt Clement

Age: 31
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 13-6, 4.57 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 191 IP, 146 K, 68 BB
2006 Projection: 13-7. 4.17 ERA, 1.32 WHIP, 194 IP, 158 K, 71 BB
2006 Salary: ~$9 Million. Clement has 2 years and $19.25 left on his contract.

Clement is a very intersting case. There was the all-star first half in which Clement anchored the staff and kept the Sox in contention while Schilling was nursed to half. Then there was the second half in which Clement as he has done in each second half of his career. His collapse coincided with a ball that struck his head and landed in left field without bouncing. Its tough to determine whether his downfall was this incident, or whether he was tired. At times he get the "Clement face" on the mound in which he looks completely lost and unmotivated. Harldy what you want to see out there. He's one of those guys that you can tell if he's on after 2 or 3 pitches in the first inning.

While I admit that I give too many second chances, I would like to see how Clement does this year before giving up on him. There are too many factors going in his favor to ignore. First, a healthy Schilling and the addition of Beckett take a lot of pressure off Clement. While the fans will be quick to boo Clement, our success is no longer completely contingent on him to be the ace and this is key for someone with a delicate psyche like Matt. Second, Clement's best pitch is a slider which is known to induce many ground balls. The improved infield defense will most likely turn many of last years base hits and turn them into key double plays. Finally, Clement will become more familiar with American League lineups which can only help.

Similar to Trot Nixon, the Boston media was picking on Clement throughout the offseason, mentioning him in numerous trade rumors. Again, I urge fans to give him some time to earn that big contract this year before running him out of town. He has electric stuff, and I expect him to really improve this year in the #4 slot.

5. Bronson Arroyo

Age: 28
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 14-10, 4.52 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 205.1 IP, 100 K, 54 BB
2006 Projection: 12-9, 4.40 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 184 IP, 106 K, 50 BB
2006 Salary: $4 Million. Bronson just signed a 3-year, $12 million deal.

Bronson took a huge leap of faith in signing a contract under market value to stay in Boston. At the time, his name was mentioned in many trade rumors and the new contract made him even more marketable. He said upon signing that he did it because of his love for the city and that he reached a "gentleman's agreement" with Jed Hoyer and the front office that they wouldn't pursue a trade for him. While Bronson is a more trusting man than I, he deserves huge props for being the anti-Damon and showing his love for the city and the team.

As a pitcher, Arroyo mixes his pitches and speeds very well. While he's not the best pitcher "stuff" wise, he makes the most of what he has. He is what you look for in a number 5 because he'll keep you in games and always gives you the chance to win. I think it is best to keep him in the rotation, at least to start the season.

6. Jonathan Papelbon

Age: 25
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: 3-1, 2.65 ERA, 1.47 WHIP, 34 IP, 34 K, 17 BB
2006 Projection: 9-6. 4.38 ERA, 1.45 WHIP, 158 IP, 137 K, 64 BB
2006 Salary: ~$300,000.

Papelbon is another one of the Texas Clemens/Beckett types. He was thrown into the fire of the pennant stretch last season and appeared completely unfazed. There is a lot to like about this kid. He dominated in the minors before he got his call-up. He throws hard and with a lot of poise.

The question is whether to immediately put him into the rotation or keep him in the pen. While fans are clamoring for him to start, Tito Francona has made it clear that they would like to ease him along. While I would like to see him start, I can certainly understand the Sox taking it easy with their first solid pitching prospect since Aaron freakin'-Sele. I expect Pap to be a key member of the setup crew until a spot opens in the rotation due to injury or ineffectiveness. I think that guidance from Schilling and fellow texan Beckett will help him greatly. His future is very bright. Cheers to the Sox for not even considering trading him.

7. David Wells

Age: 42
Throws: Left
2005 Numbers: 15-7, 4.45 ERA, 1.31 WHIP,184 IP, 107 K, 21 BB
2006 Projection: 13-8, 4.24 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 180 IP, 102 K, 24 BB
2006 Salary: $4 million guarenteed. Wells is in the second year of a 2-year, $8 million incentive laden contract.

I only list Wells here because he is still on our roster. All indications are that he is headed out of town. I don't think much of Wells as a person. The Sox gave him a two-year deal at the age of 41 last season, which is unheard of. To show his appreciation he handcuffs the Sox by not only demanding a trade, but insisting that he lands with a west coast team. He then threatens to skip spring training if the deal is not done. Weak.

As a pitcher, Wells would bring a lot to the rotation if he were to stay. First, he is the only lefty starter on the roster right now (save for youngster John Lester). Secondly, he is the ultimate control pitcher with a 5:1 K/BB ratio. Even though he is old and fat, he spots his pitches well and knows the game inside and out.

All of this is meaningless if he acts like a jackass and messes with team chemistry. As a result I would get the best package of prospects that I could and send him packing. David, we hardly knew ya.
______________________________________________________

Looking at the staff for 2006, I am very pleased. There are many question marks in the health of Schilling and Beckett and the mind of Clement, but on paper this is one of the best rotations in the American League. I am not going to fall into the trap of saying we have great depth though. While we have 7 solid starters right now, we are a trade and an injury away from only 5 starters. Still, the addition of Beckett, the recovery of Schilling and the emergence of Papelbon should make the 2006 rotation much sturdier than the 2005 version.

Pehaps most importantly, the future looks very nice too. There are 3 pitchers 39 and older right now, but next year could be a very different story as a young rotation of Beckett (26), Papelbon (26), Clement (32), Arroyo (29) and Lester (24) is a strong possibility. Bravo, front office. Bravo.

2006 Red Sox Preview: The Lineup

2006-02-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

So ever since the winter meetings the Sox have been very active and this year's team has an entirely new look. This is both scary and exciting and I'd estimate that 50% of my days are spent thinking about what will happen. As such, I have decided to profile every player on the roster in attempt to log my thoughts and predictions for my own good and for yours. I've decided to split this blog into 5 sections: The Lineup, The Starters, The Bullpen, The Bench, and The Farm. I am going to try to include all important stats and numbers such as salaries and defensive attributes. I've also listed each players Sporting News projection for 2006. So here is the first section. Your projected 2006 Boston Red Sox lineup.

1. Coco Crisp, CF

Age: 26
Bats: Switch
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .300/.345/.465, 594 AB, 86 R, 16 HR, 69 RBI, 15 SB, 81 K
2006 Projection: .303/.357/.487, 566 AB, 85 R, 18 HR, 75 RBI, 21 SB
2006 Salary: ~$3 Million. Has 4 years before free agent eligibility. Will likely go to arbitration in each of those years.

We finally got our guy. According to Hoyer and the rest of the front office, the Sox had their eyes on Crisp since the last half of the 2005 season, and its easy to see why. There is certainly a lot to like about him. The first is that his name and gritty playing style made him an instant fan favorite in Cleveland. My prediction is that the rabid Boston fan base is going to love this guy, although the cereal jokes and headlines will get old very quickly. Crisp is a well-rounded outfielder who can do a little of everything. His numbers have improved in each of his first two full seasons and there is no reason to believe he won't continue on this path. The only number I predict dropping are his SB totals as they won't be necessary in front of Manny and Ortiz.

Coco is not a perfect player, as there are a few questions surrounding him. First, is that he may not be the prototypical leadoff hitter that Johnny Damon was. Yet. He saw only 3.48 pitches per plate appearance last year and by all reports has a Nomaresque tendency to swing at the first pitch. In 590 career at-bats in the leadoff spot he has hit .271 with a meager .317 OBP, far below his career averages. This is not to say he can't improve. Johnny Damon hit .271 with a .313 OBP in his second year, after all. Eerily similar. Coco has also stated that he is very comfortable with leading off, reporting that he had "done it all my life before last season."

All reports is that Crisp is a "plus" center-fielder, so his glove should not be a concern. He has also stated that he doesn't mind giving it his all and running into walls. Lets just hope he stays healthy because we all know the CF walls can sneak up on you at Fenway.

All in all Crisp was a great addition to the Sox. In Coco, they have gotten younger and cheaper in CF while saving a lot of money and not losing much production. He will certainly be a fan favorite by May and it is a lot more comforting seeing his name penciled in rather than Adam Stern. I predict numbers to be very similar to the Sporting News projections above with a few less steals and a few more runs.

2. Mark Loretta, 2B

Age: 34
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .280/.360/.347, 404 AB, 54 R, 3 HR, 38 RBI, 8 SB, 34 K
2006 Projection: .310/.370/.433, 577 AB, 89 R, 12 HR, 73 RBI, 6 SB
2006 Salary: $3 Million. Loretta is a free agent after the season.

We all loved what Doug Mirabelli did for this team, providing Jason Varitek with a much needed rest every fifth game, and giving Tim Wakefield an outstanding battery mate. But anytime you can trade your backup catcher for an All-Star caliber second baseman, you've gotta pull the trigger. After making this deal, Loretta is the newest in the revolving door that is 2B in Boston. Jose Offerman, Todd Walker, Pokey Reese, Mark Bellhorn and Tony Graffanino...we hardly knew ya.

Much like Coco Crisp, Loretta was a fan favorite in San Diego. When reading his profiles, you often run across "good guy". It has also been said that he is a leader in the clubhouse, which should be very important in replacing guys like Damon and Millar.

Loretta can best be described as solid. Although his numbers were subpar in 2005, they can mostly be chalked up to a thumb injury that riddled him all season. Offensively he is only one year removed from an all-star campaign in which he hit .335 with 16 homers. He is a line drive hitter that sprays to all fields, and can pull the inside pitch for a little bit of power. He is also one of the best in the league at hitting while behind in the count. In 2004 Sports Illustrated profiled him as the prototypical #2 hitter in a lineup. He is proud of doing the little things well as he can lay down a bunt, hit-and-run, and he lead the league in sacrfice flies two years ago.

Defensively, Loretta probably will never be a gold glove winner, but is once again very solid. He positions himself well and is one of the best in the league at turning the double play. All reports show that what he lacks in athleticism, he makes up for in knowledge of the position.

By all accounts Loretta will fill the need for a 2B very well. He is the total package, and assuming that his thumb injury is fully healed, I see another excellent season in his future.

3. David Ortiz, DH

Age: 30
Bats: Left
Throws: Does it matter?
2005 Numbers: .300/.397/.604, 601 AB, 119 R, 47 HR, 148 RBI, 1 SB!!, 124 SO
2006 Projection: .301/.399/.606, 590 AB, 116 R, 45 HR, 140 RBI, 0 SB
2006 Salary: $6.5 Million. Ortiz has a club option for 2007 at $7.5 million.

I won't waste your time here. You know what you are getting in David Ortiz. He is one of the most feared power hitters in the league. He is THE most feared hitter in the game in clutch situations. He is vastly underpaid, but doesn't complain about it. He is an assett in the clubhouse and is always kind to the media. I just hope Theo and the gang wraps him up to a long-term contract before year's end. He is quickly becoming one of the greatest and most beloved Red Sox of all time.

4. Manny Ramirez, LF

Age: 33
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .292/.388/.594, 554 AB, 112 R, 45 HR, 144 RBI, 1 SB, 119 K
2006 Numbers: .308/.396/.600, 558 AB, 110 R, 43 HR, 134 RBI, 1 SB
2006 Salary: ~$20 Million. Manny is in the 6th year of his 8 year/$160 Million contract.

Manny and Ortiz have produced the fiercest 1-2 punch in the league for almost 3 seasons now. Again, we all know that Manny is going to produce about 40 homers and 125+ RBI. We also are very aware that Manny is a little nuts. There is no predicting his level of happiness with this team. Once day he is sliding head first into third base, jumping up with a huge smile on his face, and doing the "Manny Point" at about 30 different people. The next day he says he is completely unhappy in Boston and he demands a trade. This odd dichotomy has been labeled "Manny Being Manny", but I just find it annoying. If Manny can shut up and play, it will be tremendous. Too bad I don't forsee this happening. Prepare for another trade demand and even more talk radio fodder around the All-Star break. This will be followed by more "you can't trade Manny for 50 cents on the dollar" talk and him ultimately winding up right back in the 4 slot in the lineup happy as ever. It happens every single season.

5. Jason Varitek, C

Age: 33
Bats: Switch
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .281/.366/.489, 470 AB, 70 R, 22 HR, 70 RBI, 2 SB, 117 K
2006 Projection: .284/.367/.497, 460 AB, 68 R, 22 HR, 73 RBI, 2 SB
2006 Salary: $10 Million. Jason is in the second year of a 4 year/$40 million contract.

The captain is as solid as they come. He is one of the best defenders in the league and he may be even better at handling a staff. Any offense is a plus. He just happens to be the second best offensive catcher in baseball as well (Victor Martinez is #1). Jason is worth every penny of his contract as he is the vocal leader of this club on and off the field. My only concern is his health, but he has proven to be a bull season after season.

6. Trot Nixon, RF

Age: 31
Bats: Left
Throws: Left
2005 Numbers: .275/.357/.446, 408 AB, 64 R, 13 HR, 67 RBI, 2 SB, 59 K
2006 Projection: .286/.362/.493, 415 AB, 68 R, 19 HR, 70 RBI, 1 SB
2006 Salary: ~$7.5 Million. Trot is in the final year of a 3 year/$19.5 Million contract. He will be a free agent after this season.

Trot is a very intersting case this year. He was rumored to be headed out of town in numerous trades that the front office continued to deny. My guess is that the media is going to focus on him this year to run him out of town as they did with Derek Lowe and Nomar Garciaparra. Many in the nation have given up on him already as they talk about him slowing down in the field and not living up to potential behind the plate.

I agree that Trot has never become the 35 home run guy that Peter Gammons perenially predicts. He has been slowed by injuries througout his career, and is notoriously weak against lefties. I would urge the nation to give Trot this year to prove himself, though. He is the absolute definition of a dirt dog. His intensity is unmatched and nobody wants to perform more than Trot. He will be even more motivated as this is a contract year and I truely believe that he has a lot left in the old tank. At the very least we deserve to give him respect and I will hate to see the media give him a hard time if he doesn't perform well right off the bat. He is one of the only players who came up in the Red Sox system in the last 10 years and he should be treated as such. I predict 20+ homers, solid defense, and timely hitting when we really need him.

7. Mike Lowell, 3B

Age: 31
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .236/.298/.360, 500 AB, 56 R, 8 HR, 58 RBI, 4 SB
2006 Projections: .269/.330/.424, 516 AB, 67 R, 14 HR, 68 RBI, 2 SB
2006 Salary: ~$8 Million. Lowell has two years and about $15.5 million remaining on his contract.

Lowell may be surrounded by the most question marks on the team this year. Last year he put up numbers that even Kevin Millar would have laughed at. There were whispers about Lowell juicing as such a huge dropoff seems otherwise unexplainable. The only reason that we were able to land Josh Beckett is that Florida had to include him so that we'd take on Lowell's significant salary. These are the negatives.

On the bright side, Lowell was awarded his first Gold Glove last year despite his offensive woes. So at the very least we are gaining a vaccuum cleaner at the hot corner, which should help the pitching staff considerably. Additionally, all reports I've ever heard on Lowell are that he is a great "character guy" and an excellent "clubhouse presence". These factors are very important in what should be a delicate clubhouse chemisty after all of the offseason moves.

All reports have said that Lowell was embarrassed by his offensive output last season, and he has been busting his ass to get back to his 25 HR/90 RBI form of just a couple years ago. At a still fairly young age of 31, I foresee Mike putting up Bill Mueller type numbers in somewhat of a comeback season. I think .280 with homeruns in the high teens and RBI in the 75-80 range are reasonable expectations. This, combined with the defense and clubhouse contributions, will make Lowell a very worthy contributer to the 2006 Sox.

8. Kevin Youkilis, 1B

Age: 26
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .278/.400/.405, 79 AB, 11 R, 1 HR, 9 RBI, 0 SB, 19 K
2006 Projections: .280/.388/.397, 289 AB, 38 R, 6 HR, 43 RBI, o SB
2006 Salary: ~ $350,000. Kevin will be arbitration eligible next season.

It feels like Youkilis has been in the Red Sox system forever now. Ever since Billy Beane dubbed Youk the "Greek God of Walks" in the popular book, Moneyball, Kevin has been on the radar of the whole Red Sox nation. It looks like he is finally going to get his chance to start on a semi-regular basis in a platoon situation with the newly signed J.T. Snow.

At the very least, Youkilis will be a tremendous asset in the 8-hole as he will get on base and set the table for the top of the lineup. This could lead to a number of very long innings for opposing pitchers. This is especially valuable with Alex Gonzalez and his career .291 OBP following him. Defensively I don't expect Youkilis to stand out, but I don't think he'll be a liability either. He was always an average to above average third baseman, and this should translate to the other corner. The presence of Snow, a 6-time gold glover should help him defensively as well. All-in-all I am happy that Kevin will finally log enough at-bats to judge if he is a bonafide major leaguer. This makes more sense to me than going out and signing Paul Konerko to a $60 million dollar contract.

9. Alex Gonzalez, SS

Age: 28
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
2005 Numbers: .264/.319/.368, 435 AB, 45 R, 5 HR, 45 RBI, 5 SB, 81 K
2006 Projection: No projection listed
2006 Salary: $3.5 million. Gonzalex signed a 1-year contract with the Red Sox.

The knock on Alex Gonzalex is that he doesn't get on base very often. This does go against the Moneyball/Sabermetric philosophy that the Red Sox have followed religiously since the Theo Era began. This does not worry me greatly though, as we have so many players who are strong in this area. Gonzalez's power numbers were way down last year because of a bone chip in his elbow which has since been removed. Assuming he is healthy again, he should get back to his 18-20 homer range, which is an invaluable weapon to have in the nine hole in a lineup. He should see plenty of good pitches with Crisp/Loretta/Ortiz/Ramirez following him.

Gonzalez's real strength is defense. By all accounts he is a Gold Glove caliber defender with great range and a plus arm. After watching Edgar Rentaria struggle with 31 errors last season, AGon should be a breathe of fresh air for the Red Sox nation. He and Lowell reteam to form the left side of the infield that beat the Yankees in the 2003 World Series.

Finally, Gonzalez seems to be a very clutch player having won two games for his country (Venezuela) in this week's Dominican Series. By all accounts he plays the game with pride and passion which is more than we saw out of Renteria. I am excited to see what AGon can do for us as he is a low cost/high reward type of guy.
___________________________________________________________________

Final Analysis
I think it is important to look at our losses and gains in the areas of offense, defense, and intangibles.

Offense:
- Millar vs. Youkilis/Snow
Well it couldn't get much worse than Millar last year. Youkilis and Snow should combine for a good OBP and better power than Millar provided last year.
Advantage: Youkilis/Snow
- Bellhorn/Graffanino vs. Loretta
Loretta is a more professional and refined hitter than either of the imcumbants. He should be a great #2 hitter.
Advantage: Loretta
- Renteria vs. Gonzalez
Even though Renteria had a down year offensively, he put up better numbers than I foresee for Agon.
Advantage: Renteria
- Mueller vs. Lowell
Although I think they'll put up similar numbers this year, you gotta give the edge to Bill because of Lowells unexplainable dropoff in 2005.
Advantage: Mueller
- Damon vs. Crisp
Johnny is right in his prime. Crisp is getting there. Johnny has the advantage...for this year.
Advantage: Damon

Overall Advantage: 2005 Sox 3, 2006 Sox 2

Defense:
-Millar vs. Youkilis/Snow
Millar looked lost in the field and Snow is a 6-time Gold Glover. This one's too easy.
Advantage: Youkilis/Snow
- Bellhorn/Graffanino vs. Loretta
This one is pretty close. All of the guys listed here have similar fielding abilities.
Advantage: Push
- Renteria vs. Gonzalez
Although Renteria has won a Gold Glove and Gonzalez hasn't, Gonzalez is clearly the better defender.
Advantage: Gonzalez
- Mueller vs. Lowell
While Mueller is rock solid at the corner, Lowell is just a little better.
Advantage: Lowell
- Damon vs. Crisp
They have similar range, but Crisp has a slightly better arm.
Advantage: Crisp

Overall Advantage: 2006 Sox 4, 2005 Sox 0

Intangibles
- Millar vs. Youkilis/Snow
You can't deny Millar's influence in the clubhouse. He was a true leader.
Advantage: Millar
- Bellhorn/Graffanino vs. Loretta
Bellhorn sucked. Graffanino was a good guy. Loretta is a leader.
Advantage: Loretta
- Renteria vs. Gonzalez
I think Gonzalez is the next dirt dog in Boston. Renteria had no personality whatsoever.
Advantage: Gonzalez
- Mueller vs. Lowell
Mueller was a fan favorite and a great guy. I think Lowell will be similarly popular here.
Advantage: Push
- Damon vs. Crisp
I think Crisp will make fans forget about Damon quickly. The front office was very wise in replacing a fan favorite with another fan favorite.
Advantage: Push

Overall Advantage: 2006 Sox 2, 2005 Sox 1
___________________________________________________________________

This went just as expected. The Sox look to have lost a little offensive thunder in the offseason. This should be alright, though. You don't need to set offensive records on a daily basis in order to win.

Instead, we chose to make the defense one of the league's best. This is something we haven't seen on a Red Sox team in a long long time. It should make the pitchers that much better and I expect to win a lot more of the close games this year.

Finally, in replacing so many players, we have lost very little in the department of intangibles. While I don't want to discount Millar and Damon's influence in the clubhouse, I think that the 2006 Sox will bring a different, but equally effective chemistry.

I'll be back soon with the pitchers...

The Monday List of Awesomeness (2/6)

2006-02-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

Here's this week's list.

Links/Blogs
* Here is a complete list of the top 100 entertainment dogs of all time. Not the most interesting list, but I am shocked there are so many entertainment dogs.

* This is why there shouldn't be two weeks between the championship games and the super bowl. Maybe the most insignificant news story of all time.

* Look up the real names of famous people. Its pretty crazy how many peoples names are fake. Who knew Michael Caine's real name is Maurice Mickelwhite. Good call Michael.

* Every Bill Brasky line ever on SNL. This is basically where the Chuck Norris thing originated. Very funny stuff.

* See if your phone number spells something cool. Mine doesn't, but post a comment if yours does.

* See what famous people would look like if they had regular day jobs. More good photoshopping.

* Some awesome USB accessories. Plug in the Foreman grill while typing an email.

Videos
* All of the Super Bowl commercials. Check 'em out.

* A pretty funny SNL skit with Scarlett Johanssen. Is SNL making a comeback?

* The worst stand-up comic of all time. Guarenteed. Take it to the bank.

* While Back to the Future is one of my all-time favorites, this is a pretty funny parody. They remade the trailer to give it a Brokeback Mountain theme.

Thar she blows

2006-02-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

JUST to solidify my intense fear of deep waters offland forever, this Egyptian ferry decided to SINK into the RED SEA last night!! I won't get into how terrifying the name 'Red Sea' is when hundreds of people are drowning in an enormous deathtrap of a vessel in the middle of no where in the middle of the night. BUT, I will say this. If you are crazy enough to get on a huge water flotation device that most call a "ship" for an extended period of time, ask the goddamn captain, "Is she sea-worthy?" When he chuckles and says, "Oh yes. She's a fiiine vessel," laugh straight to his face and yell "Joke's on YOU psycho!" and then run off the ship before it leaves the dock, because then you will not drown or float in the water hoping to be rescued. Simply terrifying.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11157659/

Nikki’s Official Female X-men Jesus Quiz

2006-02-02T11:47:00.000-05:00

“Nikki got to running her mouth one day, and apparently she contends that she is the ‘female x-men jesus.’ she claims to know more than any other female on earth about the X-men.”

-A-Pop

That’s all I needed to hear before I immediately went to work on a quiz to see if my boy A-pop’s girl was all talk or not. For the most part, comics and the opposite sex do not mix, so if she can score an 80% or higher, I will not only be impressed, but I will also endow her with the title “X-Men Messiah.” But I for one, am ever the skeptic. So you’re a chick and you think you know your X-men huh Nikki? Take the test, comment with your answers and we’ll see just how hot your straight outta new york stuff is... BOM!

Nikki’s Official Female X-men Jesus Quiz

1. What is Professor Charles Xavier’s middle name?

a. Christopher
b. Francis
c. Eugene
d. Bono

2. Storm’s weather controlling powers are greatly influenced by

a. her hair length
b. her “cycle”
c her emotions
d. the sun

3. While discovering his powers over 100 years ago, Wolverine accidently impaled the woman he loved with his claws. Her name was

a. Yuriko
b. Jean the Red
c. Nikki Popkin
d. Rose

4. Who first discovered their powers while saving a family member from a runaway tractor?

a. Caliban
b. Nilsa O.
c. Gambit
d. Colossus

5. After her battle with ______ , Rogue retained this mutant’s powers of strength, flight, and invulnerability. Who was it?

a. Ms. Marvel
b. Supergirl
c. Callisto
d. Nikpop Arak

6. Cyclops cannot control his power, and is forced to always wear a visor, glasses, or goggles, made of this substance

a. Emerald Ice
b. Ruby Quartz
c. Crimson Topaz
d. Non Stick Laser Withstander

7. Born with oversized hands and feet, remarkable agility and superhuman strength, Beast always looked mostly human. What caused his mutation to accelerate further, growing blue fur all over his body, giving him fangs, pointed ears and toes, and increasing his agility, strength, and healing capabilities?

a. Having sex with a radioactive gorilla
b. a serum he created to grant him anonymity
c. falling into a vat of blue dye
d. puberty

8. Name the original X-men team

a. Cyclops, Wolverine, Rogue, Beast, Iceman
b. Cyclops, Angel, Marvel Girl, Storm, Iceman
c. Angel, Beast, Storm, Havok, Wolverine
d. Cyclops, Beast, Marvel Girl, Angel, Iceman

9. Which two X-men were thieves before joining the team?

a. Archangel and Storm
b. Gambit and Psylocke
c. Gambit and Storm
d. Storm and Colossus

10. What is Gambit’s mutant power?

a. His thoughts are hard to control, agility
b. He can charge objects with kinetic energy, causing them to explode
c. He can fire energy blasts in the form of cards
d. He can whoo any woman over with his hypnotic voice

11. Out of these four X-men, who sucks the most?

a. Rogue
b. Angel
c. Lockheed
d. Jubilee

12. Shadowcat can pass the molecules of her body through matter, allowing her to “phase” through objects. What happens to electronic equipment when she phases through it?

a. It becomes alive for a short time, using the molecules from her body
b. It slows down considerably
c. It surges with power
d. It short circuits

13. Magneto’s children are named

a. Bill and Susan Magnus
b. Pietro and Wanda Maximoff
c. Pietro and Willa Lensherr
d. Pedro and Wanda Magnus

14. Who would win in this fight? Jim Dudley vs. Jubilee

a. Jim Dudley
b. Jubilee
c. Neither (their powers would nullify)

15. Which X-man had a brief affair with Magneto?

a. Storm
b. Rogue
c. Angel
d. Psylocke

tick tock tick tock

Kelsey Grammar a.k.a. "Beast"

2006-01-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

Kelsey Grammar as Beast in X-Men 3.....

your thoughts?

The Monday List of Awesomeness (1/30)

2006-01-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

While I received nearly no comments either for or against last week's Monday List of Awesomeness, there is just too much awesome this week to abstain. Here are this weeks links for the bored office workers and people with too much time on their hands.

News, Blogs, Etc.
* Here is a comprehensive list of 90's slang. I vote to bring back none of them.

* If you are so inclined, you can actually pay to train your fish. I strongly urge you to read the testimonials section for a good laugh.

* Ok let me get this straight. They are giving away safe, prescription grade heroin for free, and no one is joining the study? If I was a smack addict, I'd be packing my syringes and heading north.

* How do you spell hypocrite? MPAA.

* Many of you don't like sushi. But I do. And I found this article very informative. So there.

* It looks like Stewie will be hosting his own talk show a la "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". This is a weird idea, but I guess more of Stewie is a good thing.

* Yet another excuse to get more sex from your lady or man.

* We ranked #8 in worldwide beer consumption. Disappointing to say the least.

* While disguisting, this may actually be the smartest place to keep your money that I've ever seen.

* Finally, all of those research dollars are going to something useful. It will be on my Christmas list next year...

*...Along with this. Low calorie, low carb, no hangover alcohol consumption. Sign me up.

* Here are some enjoyable Photoshop picture alterations. A good time waster.

* I think I'll order this now for when I have kids 10 years down the road. Notice the crayon in the barrell.

* Ummmm. Is this for real? I think science is getting a little to crazy for me.

Games
* This week's game of the week is called fastr. It is an interactive online game which gives you 10 pictures in succession based on a Flickr picture search. Your task is to identify the word the pictures represent before other folks.

* This game is a hybrid of NES classics Duck Hunt and 1945. You play a hunter who is shooting down WWII enemies as well as those crazy ducks. Challenging but awesome.

* Here is a little Sonic the Hedgehog for those that haven't played in about 10 years like myself. Its not quite as fast as the original, but it is nearly as fun.

* Just as classic as Sonic in my mind is Bubble Bobble. I'm not sure how many played this game back in the day, but it was in my top 5 for a long long time. Just shoot your bubbles at enemies and pop them before they turn red and become 5 times faster. This game doesn't show the controls so Control=Start and Shooting Bubbles and Space Bar= Jump. Thats about all you need to know. Enjoy.

Videos
* Those crazy Japanese have learned to train flies to do tricks. I'm sure this is fulflilling, but don't flies die off in like 4 days? Oh well, to each his own.

* This remixed trailer for Sleepless in Seattle shows the importance of the good editing of trailers. They actually make it look like a pretty solid thriller here. It takes a minute or so to load, but its totally worth it.

* Yes, we have too much time on our hands. But this guy programmed his scanner to play classsical pieces. There are bigger losers out there.

* Kevin Federline proudly presents the soon-to-be sensation, PopoZao. Inside the Actor's Studio host James Lipton loved it so much, he gave his own rendition on Conan.

* Nudity warning. Do not open this at work. It's a funny video with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra displaying what Tara Reid should have done when her dress malfunctioned on the red carpet. A nice cameo by American Pie's Finch too.

Thats all for this week. Happy surfing.

Topping off the Natty Light (AKA Neddy's a bastard)

2006-01-27T01:13:00.000-05:00

While I can't tell you MY most awkward moment ever because it wouldn't be proper, I will tell you the most ridiculous awkward moment I've ever been through.

I'd wager it was about three or four years ago and me and my buddy Nedboat were visiting our boy Douggy fresh at Millersville University. Now, Millersville is a nice school, but it's considerably smaller than some are used to. As such, we found ourselves dragging a full keg down a street of stumbling drunks to a house of Doug's friend. It was literally like the pied piper, as people saw a keg and followed. Now, as we got to the house we decided that what we should do is put the keg out of harms way and left it right up against a wall in the back corner of the house near the bathroom. This would eventually be the shank of the evening for me. After meeting a few people and enjoying myself drinking, I decided that it was time to head back to the keg for a good old fashioned refill. Nedrow Wilson III had somehow also decided he was thirsty and barely got in front of me to head down the skinny hall to the keg.

We were drunkily shoving eachother in semi-childish form, but I was actually not as drunk as Ned, which hurt my situation as well. As Neddy started to fill his cup, busting out of the bathroom comes this frantic girl with tears flowing and two friends close behind. I couldn't quite decipher what was going on, but apparently this girl was molested or cheated on or possibly had her shoes criticized. The point is, I'm not sure I've ever seen a girl that upset about something that was not life threatening. As I come to reality, I realize it's very inappropriate for me to be standing where I was, as this girl and her two companions had set up camp directly next to me in an alcove meant for washing hands in a sink or something of that nature. This hallway was very skinny, and to remove myself from the situation, it was going to take some stealthy maneuvering around many large people about five feet behind me cluttering up about 20 feet of hallway. There was literally no other way out as the bathroom had been obtained by the Chet Heston 'the molestin' bastard. So my skin got tingly as I started to feel unbelievably awkward and with very few options besides shoving through numerous violent looking weirdos I didn't know, or curling up in the fetal position.

As the girl's wales continued to rise in pitch, I realized my out: the reason I was there to begin with BABY!! I had an empty cup in my hand and there was a keg but 18 inches away from me. I almost laughed at my good fortune. It was so perfect. Then it all came crashing to the ground as I turned to look toward the keg. There, without any apparent notice of the ear piercing drama that was an arms reach away, was my friend Neddy, slowly filling up his cup with beer. 'How long can this last?' , I thought.....The seconds and what felt like minutes ticked by. Nedboat was NOT satisfied with the amount of beer in his cup and he was going to defy the laws of physics to fit more beer in this thing without unwanted frothy head. The amount of time it took this man to get through with his pour was unfathomable. As usual, I know what you're thinking. No, he wasn't doing this on purpose. And yes, I did try to make him aware of how urgent my situation was, but you have to remember that we were guests at this bizarre house, and I was certain that we were not going to last long if any of their beastly partymates were told that we were mocking or insulting the girl in hysterics whom appeared to be very important to the hosts. Neddy literally didn't realize what was going on.

And so we leave this story with your narrator almost passing out in discomfort to something that was not in reality that dire of a situation. However, the feelings of awkwardness and sheer discomfort cannot be properly explained by a simple story. I poured about five seconds of beer, as I had become very parched and thirsty, and Neddy and I squished down to the middle of the hall to an area not quite as inappropriate. When given open room, I believe I took a couple good swings at Neddy as he laughed and deflected them. All in all a good night by anyone's book.

Never put the keg at the end of a tunnel. It's plain old bad news.

Wow, that's awks

2006-01-26T19:20:00.000-05:00

You’re having sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend/bedroom friend/what-have-you. All of a sudden his/her mom or dad walks in and you are caught mid-coitus, literally with your pants down. There is no other word to describe this situation but, awkward. It is a very funny sounding and funny looking word and its discomforted spelling is very telling of the word itself. Ok, so back to the traumatizing moment. There is literally nothing you can think, say, or do that will fix the uncomfortable feeling of this scene and the same goes for the parent who walked in. The parent could of course, kill you, scream at you, or most likely shut the door immediately (hopefully on the outside of the room). This won’t change what has happened and in all the freedom this life offers us, the only two things you can do is laugh or cry. This is the power of awkwardness. I like to think of it as lack of direction or capability. There’s forward, there’s backward, and then there’s just awkward. You are sent spiraling into the “awk” direction which is always absolute ass.

Thankfully, this particular scenario has not occurred in my life, but I’m sure it’s happened to plenty. Much like all other awkward situations, very little directly comes from it, unless somebody freaks out and does something crazy. Normally, what makes something awkward is the humanistic side to our reality. You don’t see a hippo accidentally bump into two other hippos getting it on and go, ‘Hooo. Geeeezzz.. uuuhhhhh….yeah…. soooo…. I guess I didn’t see you humpin’ there…….I mean……I wouldn’t mean to just….you know……hmmmm…..well this is awkward.’ If it ever happened, the hippo would either yawn, shit, walk away unaware, or bump them again. Animals are not bright. Not bright like us. Not like us clever humans.

But at what price do we pay for being clever, because this ‘awkward’ feeling we all get is purely based on our knowledge of each other and what the other is thinking. AND, (this part’s important) the inability to lose this feeling or change the situation. If we could erase the situation, like we wished we could, it wouldn’t be awkward would it? It was just be a bizarre or at least unusual story. But when you add the human psyche to the equation, the bold domination of awkwardness takes control. Now based on this fact, there is an infinite number of awkward situations out there in the life, waiting to happen. There are of course, some classics. These are either the most common or the most hilarious when put into context. You will recognize many from movies or tv shows because awkwardness is clutch in situational humor.

-Elevators: “Don’t stand so close to me”

Elevators are hilarious when you think about it, because they are very tight quarters in which multiple strangers are encouraged to bunch up together and not talk or look at each other. I’m laughing right now. It’s actually that funny to think about. You walk in, you hit your button and then you find a standing spot where you will not be viewed as a pervert or weirdo for standing too close to someone, or where you can feel comfortable leaving the elevator with as little social interaction as possible. While you’re in there though! HAHAAAA. You can’t look at each other. I mean that’s just flat out awkward. You can’t really talk unless you’re one of those people who thinks they’ve mastered talking low enough for your companion to hear you, but no one else in the 4’ x 5’ silent elevator. And what about the smells? You’re trapped in this tiny hanging box until you are allowed to leave. My favorites are the office building ones with like 100 floors. That’s a journey. Under this same concept falls concerts, subway cars, crowded bars/parties, or anything else where you are forced to socially accept squishing and rubbing up next to complete strangers not of your choosing. If you were walking down the sidewalk and somebody sidled up and started rubbing up against you, I’m putting money on you pushing them away or you running away. Not so at a concert or on the subway. You walk RIGHT up next to and into somebody and kind of pretend they’re not there. You rarely even talk or look at their face. So strange. So awkward.

FYI: I took a straw poll in a leisure inquiry of mine from my “Would you rather” book given to me for Christmas. I asked female friends at the bar one night whether they’d rather be stuck on a subway for 10 stops with their face stuck directly in a man’s smelly armpit, or stuck directly up against a man’s boner. 40% said BONER!!! Honestly.....I’m surprised.

-Bathroom Quarters: “soooo….how ‘bout ‘dem Iggles”

Now this one only applies to the gents. Tell me something. Have you ever heard of a fight breaking out in the men’s room? I definitely haven’t. This is because of the strict behavior held in men’s bathrooms. Women’s bathrooms are designed to encourage community and togetherness. In fact, everything and a grandmother is discussed in the girls bathroom. Girls could at any time, break into a group song and dance from ‘Grease’ without blinking an eye. They have couches, flowers, and gender privacy. It’s a perfect headquarters. Men are the opposite. Get in, pee, get out. Maybe tell somebody a sports score without making eye contact. It’s a discomfort only to be described as awkward. Now, men are so used to this, that by our age, it doesn’t seem awkward. It seems normal. It is, by my definition awkward however, because at no time can you do anything but piss or wash your hands. No eye contact is made. No conversations are held. CERTAINLY, no physical contact is made. The extreme awkwardness of this situation is the ‘one stall’ bathrooms that are large enough for the company or building to feel prestigious, but too small for men to stand in, while strangers go to the bathroom. There are tens of thousands of these bathrooms out there, and they are impossible to get around. No one locks the door, because upon first glance of the bathroom as you enter, it is a standard large bathroom for multiple people to enjoy. When you are the 2^nd, 3^rd, or 4^th man to walk in however, the fun ensues. You have to stand there, not doing anything because your options are all erased for the time being (no two urinals in a row open or only one urinal period). Most men will not leave the bathroom in this situation. For one thing, an opening will happen soon (never soon enough) and you don’t wanna lose your place if there is a line. The second and most important thing is that as a man, you don’t want to do anything noticeably awkward. Being confident, cool, natural, and impervious is the game plan. So you pretend you’re perfectly comfortable standing there looking at the wall or the ceiling until another man or men have put away their junk and moved out of your way. Things will never change. These habitual standards should be shown on the nature channel.

-Wrong phone number: “Hi is Big Pussy there?........oh….well what number did I dial?”

Now I know what you’re thinking (or as usual, I’m just trying to). The occasional wrong number is not very awkward at all. It happens to all of us, and 5 seconds later, everyone has forgotten about it. HOWEVER, if you’ve ever been in a tug of war match with a person over whether the number you dialed is his/hers or the person you are desperately trying to contact, you know what I’m talking about. Here’s how the conversation goes:

You: Hi, is Clarence there?

Dicky McBalls: No. you have the wrong number.

You: Oh, my bad G. (hang up)

(ring)

You: Hi, may I speak to Clarence please?

Dicky: There is NO Clarence here! You’re dialing the wrong number!

You: What number is this?

Dicky: (hangs up)

(ring)

You: Hi, C….

Dicky: Stop calling here! I’m calling the motherfuckin’ cops!

You: This IS the number I have for Clarence! Tell me what number I’m dialing wrong!!!

Dicky: You dialed 1-800 ILL KILL YOU, bitch! Don’t call here again! (hangs up)

You: ……son of a bitch

At this point, you want to call the number you have again in case you’ve made a mistake, but it has got so heated between you and Dicky that you feel very awkward attempting another call or even trying to confirm the number you have written down, in case it ends up being the McBalls residence again. Even worse, if you don’t know Clarence well and you were really looking for Terence, you could lose your chance at talking with Terence McBalls forever. It’s a very odd situation worthy of the term awkwardness, whether you are more enraged than uncomfortable.

Here’s an even better awkward situation with the wrong phone number dialing. This has occurred 100 fold since cell phones came around. You scroll down your phone list and hit send. You await your boy James’ voice on the other end, as you await asking him to go play ball. Then, out of NOWHERE, a GIRL’S voice is on the other end. You called up JAMIE by accident! The girl whose number you got at the bar last night. You went home with her but you certainly didn’t want to get on a phone call basis, hanging out basis, or eventually DATING basis with. She picked up though. She knows it’s you who called and YOU called HER. You can’t just say, “Oh Jamie. My fault. I definitely didn’t mean to call you at all. Peace….P.S. Don’t call me.” So the natural thing to do is, on the fly, pretend you DID mean to call her and somehow end it as soon as possible. Now the phone call receiver often becomes aware of the mistake when nothing of importance comes from the caller and then he/she hangs up. If one is very crafty, he/she can conceal it, but it is still very awkward and of the many variations of this situation, none of which are pleasant. My favorite is when you get a call from someone who assumes you know his/her identity simply by voice, when in reality you have no idea. Trying to keep that charade up is quality. Practice your vague comments and general terms like ‘stuff’, ‘them’, ‘cool’, and ‘all good.’

-Break-up, back together trap: “I didn’t call her a slut. I said…..I like her a lut…lot.. whatever.”

So your boy or girl has finally shed him or herself from the evil succubus or asshole they were dating. This is a tremendous occasion. Break out the good beer! Not only can you help your friend with some quality time and sympathy, but you get to hang out with them as much as you want, just like old times. You are actually enjoying the sympathy process because you can share your true feelings about the evil satanic ex your friend used to be with. Then, the dreaded day comes. I won’t even say dreaded, because that indicates that you were dreading the arrival, when in fact it blindsided you with a right hook outta left field. They’re…..BACK TOGETHER?! SHIT! This SUCKS! Now, not only is the friendship fun over, but he still knows the trash you talked on her and if he’s a douchebag, SHE knows too! Now you’re the bad guy and all you wanted to do was rid your good companion of a slut ass bitch. This is very awkward. In fact it’s a traditional awkward situation because it has to have been going on for ages. There are four ways to respond to this. Sadly, the most common way is pretending you never said anything bad ever and everybody knows behind the scenes. This is shady, and we all know shadiness is very very awkward. The second way to try to cope is holding your ground and keeping your integrity while possibly losing your friend and making an enemy. The third response possibility is to drop your friend yourself, because he is lost in a sea of slut bitchedness and you do not feel it fair to drown in attempts to save him. I’ve forgotten the fourth way to react, but believe you me, they are all awkward dealings and there’s nothing you can do about it.

-Parents + Sex: ‘Birds and the bees and the condom trees’

Full circle, back to my first example, comes my explanation of the sheer morbidity of your parents and sex being in the same realm (any realm). Nobody’s comfortable talking to their mom or dad about sex, especially the first time. But from then on, it only gets worse. You’re watching a movie. Any movie with sex or sexual content in it. Off the top of my head, Jerry Maguire. I haven’t seen this movie in its entirety to this day, but I was watching a portion one night and both my folks deciding to come watch with me during a very graphic sex scene for a non-porn. I was absolutely frozen. The incredible awkwardness cannot be accurately described with words. I was 14 at the time, and less mature. This does not mean that I am looking to watch or talk about or do anything sexual when either of my parents are aware under any circumstance. It just doesn’t work. There is the clean world in which your folks reside, and then there is the not-clean world in which you are free to wonder completely WITHOUT your parents. I’m going to argue that both kids and parents need to try to remain pure in the others’ eyes for the entirety of life. It’s just the way it should go, and because of this, ANYTHING sexual anywhere close to your parents is extraordinarily awkward. Boys are caught masturbating, girls need birth control pills, there are pornos, condoms, diaphragms, lingerie, overheard sex conversations, noises, etc. all easily stumbled over by parents, especially snooping or clueless ones. Sooo, the point is that these things are inevitable, as are many moments of classic awkwardness.

In the end, the important thing to realize about awkward life situations or events is that they are going to happen and you can either laugh at them or cry yourself to sleep because you don’t know how to fix them. The next time you are stuck on a “date” like situation or an elevator stops between floors with 10 smelly people aboard, remember that it happens all the time and Tad wrote a ridiculously long blog to explain as such. If you HAVE indeed read this entire thing, respond in a small explanation of your most awkward moment you can think of, and I will send you a prize compliments of THMP. Make sure your moms don’t read it though. That would be awks.

Guys Clothes and Some Random Thoughts

2006-01-25T17:14:00.000-05:00

Guy's clothing. In a word, boring. And that's just fine with me. When it comes down to it, we really only have a few choices. On your head you have hair and you can gel it, keep it messy or wear a hat. The upper body can consist of a t-shirt, sweater, polo, button down or hoody. The bottom section comes down to regular old boxers and a pair of jeans if its cold or shorts if its hot. Throw in a pair of khakis for the nice ocassions. Then its either sneakers, casual shoes or dress shoes. And thats pretty much it. Good friend and owner of our unofficial sister site (On Being a Girl), Lizzy T., has written a blog about the sheer volume of clothing that every girl owns. She says that she could "probably go a month without repeating an outfit". Woah.

Those who know me well are used to seeing me in a t-shirt, jeans, hat and some sort of ski coat. As I have begun working in a more professional environment though, I have made a conscience effort to upgrade my wardrobe. My t-shirts are only used for the gym, jerseys only come out on Sundays and my button-down shirt stock has quadrupled (to four). I'm even considering purchasing one of those black Gap type jackets that every guy seems to own. This upgrade has come at a great financial burden, and I can still only go a week and a half without repeating something. I mean, how many polos can one guy own. But society is okay with this. As long as I don't mind doing the laundry every week and a half, my 4 button-downs and 5 polos is good enough to get by. To this end, I can make a couple of assertions.

First, the size of a girls wardrobe is more effected by other girls than by guys. Don't blame us for having to buy so many clothes to look good. It is in fact your friend who tells you that everything at Wet Seal looks "too cute not to buy", that is costing you all of your money. Listen ladies, as long as you wear tight jeans and show a little skin from time to time, you can wear the same thing over and over and we won't care. On average, guys tend to be more interested in whats beneath the clothes than the clothes themselves. Why do you think the majority of the good designers are gay? Because the rest of us don't care at all. So if you are buying all of these things to impress us, I suggest putting your funds towards a bra that enhances well and a tight pair of jeans. I promise, you'll be all set. Oh yeah, a nice perfume works for me too. It may sound chauvinistic, but I will remind you that you're reading the HONEST male perspective, not the PC male perspective.

Secondly, I once again thank goodness that I am a guy. We have all basically made a gentlemen's agreement that none of us will try to show the other up in the fashion department. And if someone breaks this pact, we brand them a metrosexual. When you think about it, a pact of this magnitude is quite amazing. These type of things never work. Its like that plan for everyone to fail in a class that has a curve. In theory this would give everyone 100%, but there is always the Nerdy McDweeberton who would agree to the pact so as not to get his ass kicked. But we all know he'll try his hardest when the test is handed out. Contrary to such a small failed plan, the man clothing pact actualy works! We've made wearing a white t-shirt and jeans "hot" to many girls. What a system!

As I've said so many times before, advantage goes to the dudes. We spend less money buying clothes, less time planning which of them to wear, less time laundering them and WAY less time stressing about them. Listen ladies, my whole point is not to put you off from buying clothes. Perhaps they have more of an effect on me than I realize because I continue to be attracted to ya'll. Plus, I am aware that shopping has a therapeutic effect for many women in the same way that sports does for guys. My wardrobe upgrade and Liz's blog have just made me do some thinking about clothes that I never have before leading me right back to the conclusion I've made so many times before. Its good to be a guy.

And now for some random thoughts:

* I have a lot of contempt for 2-liter bottles of soda. The ONLY and I mean ONLY acceptable use is for parties. Otherwise it is just a terribly faulty design. First, the soda just doesn't taste as good. I don't know if its a different kind of plastic or what, but I do not enjoy the taste of a Coca Cola from these huge bottles as much as I do from anything else. Next, I think that 2-liters should come with instructions because no one I know puts the cap on tight enough to effectively seal in the bubbles. Even when sealed tightly, proper fizz ratio is only maintained for two days at the most. When done incorrectly, it can be ruined in a matter of hours. Even the soda industry realizes the shittiness of these things as they cost about $1.29 on average. Guess how much an average 20 oz. bottle costs? Thats right...$1.29. You pay the same price for 3 times as much soda because everyone knows how shitty the 2-liter bottle is. I will gladly take the 20 oz. bottle because of its infinite crispness...and give me a 12 oz. can over both of em.

* I hadn't noticed this until now, but why the hell is the abbreviation for ounce, Oz. There aren't any "Z's" in that word by my count. Don't even get me started on the abbreviation for pounds.

* Has any company in the history of time wasted more advertising dollars than Sonic? They appear to have great deals, and I'm willing to try it out. One small problem. I have never in my life seen a Sonic fast food restaurant. Ever. No one I have spoken with has seen one either, yet the company continues to tell me about their great deals while I watch the Celtics game. Has anyone else noticed this?

* I giggled to myself to find out that Rick Moranis released a country CD, "Agorophobic Cowboy", last Tuesday.

We know Rick from his roles as Dark Helmet in Spaceballs, Wayne Slazinski in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Louis "The Keymaster" Tully in Ghostbusters. He is nerdily lovable and I give him props. Never thought I'd be seeing him as a singer.

* DJ Matty B brought to my attention that a search for Doug Warner scored a 100% on the "Slut-O-Meter" test that I linked to in the "Monday List of Awesomeoness". I am very proud, yet, not surprised by this figure. As we all know, there are no slutty guys, only pimps. This website obviously recognizes the skillz. When guys names are entered it should be renamed the "Big-Ol'-Salty-Pimp-O-Meter", to borrow a term that is commonly used by loyal reader, Scotty B.

* Lasty, I would like to respond to a comment from a reader who asked "Whats the deal with guys and poker". Regular commenter DJ Matty B fielded this one quite well in saying that its all about "pure cajones" in bluffing and bullshitting your way to victory. There is more too it, though. The draw of poker (pun intended) for guys is also greatly about pride around your buddies. There are few greater feelings that getting the mental best of your buddy when there is real money on the line. It gives us a feeling of superiority and bragging rights amongst other things. It is mostly a hubristic endeavor though, as only one reigns supreme and the others are left weeping. Finally, when we think poker, we tend to think of the wild west. In a time before girly-man Phill Hellmuth, poker was played by real men who preferred whiskey to water and cigar smoke to air. If you cheated, you were shot. This is very very manly. So really, its only natural that we are in love with poker as it makes us feel, nay, it MAKES us manly to play it. Thanks for the question.

Thats it for now. See ya'll once I emerge from my room after another 24 marathon. The season 4 DVD showed up in the mail today. WOOOHOOOO!

The iPod and the World

2006-01-24T00:58:00.000-05:00

Guest blogger, Alan “Albazz” Bazzari has returned with a striking observation about our beloved little iPods:

Hello good people! It’s been too long!

I was sitting on the subway the other day, totally zoning out, (as is default behavior while sitting in a stinky booming subway car) when I noticed a Mexican fellow sitting across from me. He was adorned in jeans, T-shirt, leather jacket, sneakers and a Yankees cap. Not a bad looking guy by my standards. My appearance usually consists of a lovable derelict quality. I make no effort to look nice.

None of this made any impact on me until I saw that he was listening to music just as I was. To my surprise, the young man removed a personal CD player from his jacket pocket and switched out CDs. Blast from the past eh?

In light of this revealing possession, I noticed all types of things I hadn’t before. Now, looking down my nose, I saw his hair was messy, his T-shirt collar was stretched, his jacket looked worn, his sneakers looked second hand, and his Yankee cap was too big. Quite suddenly, he looked impoverished to me! I began making negative assumptions about this guy for no other reason but he did not own an iPod.

What the fuck is that! I’m not proud of my flaccid judgments and I would like to think they are not characteristic of me. But whether or not they were correct, the iPod has become common enough possession to illuminate several distinctions between those who have one from those who do not with a reasonable degree of accuracy.

Let’s approach this logically, shall we?

Allow me to qualify a premise. Let us assume for the sake of analysis that everyone who has the resources to spare, has an iPod. People living in the city, with their thirty minutes commutes that require nothing more from them but waiting, almost always opt to listen to music. An iPod is the easiest and best way to do it. Every time I use the subway, roughly half of the people sitting alone have white earphones. Moreover, everyone I know owns an iPod. Most people I wouldn’t suspect do. Friends and acquaintances alike, if they are financially able, own an iPod.

And now for the logic: if everyone who is able to buy an iPod does, than everyone who does not have an iPod is not able.

This is indeed a reach. It disturbs me when people can be generalized based on a singular element in their lives. But what’s more disturbing yet, is that it’s probably true.

Think about it with me. Do you know of anyone who doesn’t own an iPod for any other reason but they can’t afford it. My cousins have iPods and they’re nine and twelve. Their family’s not wealthy but they found a way. It was first on the list at Christmas and guess what, Kanye on the way to school. It’s a high priority on the “things to have” list. *Next blog Dougie?*

The iPod has become a staple of our generation, which is good news for the people of “Apple in California” (check the fine print on the back of your iPod). I think my little parable is a common realization among iPod owners. The problem arises when people who do not own iPods come to the same conclusions.

While there are less expensive alternatives to the iPod, I think we can all agree that they are complete rubbish. The iPod is top of the line and is just expensive enough to be out of reach for many people. It therefore has the ability to define its owner as “rich enough to own me.” It becomes unpleasant to those who are not, when an indicator of social caste is so rife in society. When everyone who can own an iPod does, listening to music on anything other than an iPod is an indication that the owner doesn’t have the money to buy one. It’s almost like an involuntary disclosure of one’s bank account, and that’s a shitty thing for someone who is struggling financially.

While the I-shmod is a prolific personal possession, one that I thoroughly enjoy, it can have a hurtful effect on those less fortunate. Because of its high price and galactic popularity, it asserts a derogatory sentiment on every other less expensive alternative to such an extent that the sentiment extends to the owner. White headphones have become an exclusive identity. The iPod, with its uniquely lustrous appearance, is inherently pushy. Those who can’t afford them are bound to feel increasingly alienated the more frequent it becomes in society.

In a place as heterogeneous as New York, class distinctions are forced to the forefront in all types of ways. But this is one way that caught me completely off guard. I had bought in and made up my mind about this guy on the subway without hesitation. I never thought I would do that. So quickly came my conclusion that this kid was too poor for an iPod, that I took my iPod off in shame.

I’m not saying those who can afford an iPod should feel obligated to be sensitive about their ownership. And I’m of course not saying that it’s a bad thing that so many people can afford an iPod. But it is a problem. The class distinction is so evident that you can hear it over the roar of the subway and over the music in your earphones.

The Debut of "The Monday List of Awesomeness"

2006-01-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

Whats up friends and strangers. I am very proud of the Sunday slew of blogs. Popkin's analysis of voice vs. appearance gives a great look at an important, but oft overlooked topic. Jim's blog provides a wonderfully open account of his weaker moments. While I do plan to put in my own two cents on these topics, I come to you today with another purpose. In the last few days I have been entering data for a graduate student at Harvard. This is an unbelievably time consuming process which makes my mind wander greatly. As a result, I spend a lot of time procrastinating by searching the net for anything to take my mind off data. After a couple hours, I had a metaphorical "wipeout" in my web surfing. I found myself running out of articles to read on ESPN and CNN and reading the same Bill Simmons headlines over and over, waiting, wishing for an update. "There's got to be more out to help me in my quest to put off my work," I thought to myself.

From that moment, I went on a mission for all of those like me. For the office workers who have run out of work but don't want to ask their boss what to do and the lazy college kids who are putting off their paper at 4 in the morning. I have spent countless hours collecting links to games and websites that will get you through the week and beyond. I offer you a beacon of hope on an otherwise drab and lifeless Monday. Here my friends, is this weeks List of Awesomeness (if the response is good, I will post a new list of awesomeness every Monday).
__________________________________________
The Monday List of Awesomeness (1/23)

Games
* Sodoku - Most of you know this game by now. Its basically a numbers based crossword for those of us who aren't exactly wordsmiths. In the words of Dane Cook, it is currently "Swiffering" the nation. You can't walk into a Barnes and Noble this day without seeing 50 Sodoku books on the first table. I am far too lazy to explain the game, but what you must know is that it is very addictive and tremendously awesome. When you solve a puzzle you feel like pulling an Adam Sandler and screaming out, "I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!". Try not to do this if you are in the office, though. The link I've provided has like a billion free games, so this is likely to take a lot of your time.
* Falling Sand - This isn't so much of a game as a complete waste of time, but it is great regardless. I can't really tell you the object of this thing. I think the whole point of it is to do whatever you want. I think its pretty cool.
* Letter Magnets - This one fits the category of "time waster" much like Falling Sand. The object? To spell out whatever you want using virtual refrigerator magnets. The challenge? At any given time there are 15-30 other people using the very same letters. This is surprisingly fun and frustrating. I've had 20 minute letter battles with people. Do I need to get a life? Maybe. But soon you'll be sucked in too.
* Perfect Pizza - The object of this game is very simple. Just try to replicate the example pizza. Fans of "Mario Party" will recall a very similar mini-game with the same sort of objective. Its only fun for one or two full rounds, but its worthy of a link.
* The Slut-O-Meter - This cool little thing calculates the sluttiness of any individual fairly accurately. It does so by taking a ratio of the number of results that show up in a Google search with "safe-search" on versus the number of results with the "safe-search" off. For example, Jenna Jameson is 99.24% slutty whereas Janet Reno is 14.94% slutty. The ladies will particularly enjoy this one.

For Your Perusal
* I hate this guy. This is probably the greatest idea ever, and anyone of us could have done it if we had thought a little harder. A million freakin' dollars. Unbelievable.
* While this story is uninteresting, I was shocked to find out that this one company invented the Frisbee, the Hula Hoop, Silly String AND Slip N' Slide. This company is the freakin Babe Ruth of fad products.
* This dude drew a caricature of someone who robbed him. The cops used it to nab him 15 minutes later.
* The Press Your Luck Bandit - This is the amazing story of a dude who memorized the pattern on the popular gameshow Press Your Luck. The story also details his subsequent downfall. I guess Mom was right. Cheaters never win.
* 9/11 Conspiracy Theory - I know it sounds rediculous, but these people actually make a pretty convincing argument backed by facts and evidence. At the very least it wasted about two hours of my time.
* Trade in your John Secada CD for an iPod. Seems like a solid deal.
* Here are the Top 100 Most Annoying Things of 2005. Quite comprehensive and agreeable.

Video
* This is probably the best hockey goal I've ever seen. It from just about a week ago.
* They must've studied the Police Academy/Space Balls guy for this.

Thats it for this weeks awesomeness. Comment and tell me what ya think.

Boys Don't Cry?

2006-01-22T15:35:00.000-05:00

Crying. As a guy, you cry, you die. Society doesn’t exactly praise a male who lets loose and sheds a tear when the girlfriend walks out, the good guy dies, or even if you get drunk and hook up with my sister... it’s just understood amongst males that crying isn’t something you should do with other males around, ever. However having said that, it is ok to cry... sometimes. As a guy that’s hard for me to say, let alone write on the web and stick my name to it. Right now I hear the voices of a thousand internet geeks screaming “Ha Ha, this Jim Dudley loser cries!!” and all I can say is laugh it up poindexters, I know you all probably cried when Tasha Yar died, when dinky Anakin crossed over, or when they had to tell you that Starfleet didn’t exist at the age of 16 because you were getting too old and your hopes were too high... dorks.
Throughout everyone’s life there have been incidents, moments of weakness that have caused us all to drop down to our knees and open the floodgates. Sadness or Joy, these tears could have been shed over anything. Whether it was the Pats winning year after year, to the day you found out (warning: if you’re under the age of 8 do not read further, major Christmas spoiler ahead)

SANTA DOESN’T EXIST, everyone’s different. Thinking about it I realized the subject of crying could be a tough one to tackle here on the Perspective, nevertheless I thought I’d be the first one to fess up and talk about my most memorable crying experiences thus far. Read with an open mind and try not to judge, because it’s not your fault. Whether you like it or not I promise you all that you have cried, and you will cry again.

(that came out wrong, please do not think I am threatening you.)

Bambi’s Mom.

You all know it. The tragic scene left a black mark in my fragile psyche for years. I must have been about 5 or so when I went to my Nana’s and watched Bambi for the first time. Not having a great grasp on life or death, or the whole circle of life thing (the lion king would have probably helped,) witnessing a poor innocent mother getting shot to death was not something I was ready to deal with. There I sat, cross legged with my little brothers and cousins in front of a large screen, watching happily as animals pranced around and played with one another in green fields loaded with flowers... I mean, how could I have seen it coming? If you ask me it’s a really mean trick to play on any small child. Sit them down, give them a bottle and a blanket or two, comfort them with warm, fuzzy imagery then BAM! Watch as they all gasp in horror as a young mother is shot and killed, and her helpless child is left alone to fend for itself or die, then laugh about it (thanks Uncle Jack.) With the arrival of Man in the forest, Bambi’s carefree days of prancing around were literally shot to sh*t. I remember hearing the first sob behind me, and turning around to watch as all of my cousins started to cry. After that, the tears just came out so easily. Loud scary noises, evil looking hunters shooting helpless happy creatures...could you blame me? In the future when I sit little Jimmy Jr. down for a screening of Bambi, I’ll fast forward through the tasteless scene of death and carefully explain how Bambi’s mom sent Bambi away to happy camp for the winter... until Jimmy Jr. turns 18 and I finally explain what really happens.

The Death Of Karley.

Ahh my soul, my love, my precious, Karley. This girl was watching over me since I was a bun in the oven. The best looking cocker spaniel on the block, Karley was probably the best friend I ever had. No matter what I was doing outside, or where we were going, she was always right there behind us, wagging her stubby tail and ready to chase that tennis ball she always carried with her. She never needed a leash, never bit anyone, loved kids, and knew how to sit, lay down, speak, and could harass any mailman who cared to drop mail through the slot in our door. She was also the smartest dog we’ve ever had (sorry Lucy.) For example on one occasion, we were living at the Battle Green Inn in Lexington center after our house almost burned down, and we would always take Karley with us on drives to and from the house to the hotel while we worked on rebuilding our kitchen. One day while she was playing outside, we actually forgot to take her back to the hotel with us, and left her at the house. Realizing that we forgot the dog, we drove back to the house, but she was no where to be found. After spending a half hour or so looking for her, my dad figured we’d head back for the hotel and look more in the morning. A little worried I reluctantly agreed. Once we got back to the hotel and headed to our rooms door I looked up and she was standing right in front of it, waiting to be let in. My dog actually walked to the hotel from our house and knew which room we were staying in. I don’t care what anyone says, it goes to show she was one smart ass dog. But unfortunately every dog has its day. I was in 8th grade, and I remember my mom letting me know that we were going to have to put Karley down. The cancer was getting worse and she was really starting to suffer. I went to school, and when I came back my dog was dead. I just remember seeing my Dad holding her lifeless body, and I couldn’t do much but let the tears overwhelm me. Girls, physical pain, it can hurt, but when a man loses his dog there is no greater feeling of sadness or sorrow. That girl was the love of my life before I knew what girls were. A sad day.

The Nail.

I was one of those kids who wasn’t ever really allowed to watch T.V. It was always go outside and play, or do chores like rake the yard or shovel snow. So I often let my imagination wonder. I would build treehouses, bike jumps, make real mudpies for my mom, or dig holes and lay stuff over them and hope my sister would fall in so I could squirt her with the hose. One on occasion I decided I was going to try and make an egg launching catapult with some wood I acquired (don’t worry about it) from a nearby playground. I sat down in my driveway, surrounded by scraps of wood that were filled with nice bent rusty nails, and I began to work. My old neighborhood buddy Daniel was there, helping me take the nails out of the wood so as not to leave any proof that I was “recycling” the playground’s kiddie picnic table. I soon realized that things weren’t really working out with the egg catapult, and became uninterested in what I was trying to make, and decided to get a good game of Hide and Go Seek going instead (I had a short attention span.) My brothers and Daniel and I began to play and I had to luck of being “It.” I closed my eyes, pretended to count to 30 and quickly ran around the house looking for my victims, with the sole intention of throwing eggs at anyone I saw, who needed the catapult? I came full circle around the house and stood in the driveway, noticing a quick movement that seemed to be coming from behind the shed in the backyard. Excited, I started running as fast as I could down the driveway, ready to pounce on poor little Daniel who always complained to his mother of my roughhousing. Gaining speed and excited, I didn’t really care to jump over all of the scrap wood that Dan and I had de-nailed, so I just ran onto it. Suddenly running became a lot tougher. I looked down to see a piece or wood stuck to the bottom of my shoe and dropped the eggs. Holding my foot out I soon realized that there was a nail jetting through my foot, and I got confused. Thanks Daniel, ya missed one. I remember being thrown off that it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it should have, so I sat down and went to work. My brothers witnessing the incident from some bushes, ran over to see what was going on and gasped in horror, which I think is what pushed me into shock. I started to wail at what to this day was one of the grossest wounds I’d ever seen on myself. My driveway filled with puddles of tears from a crying boy, soon filled with concerned neighbors and fellow children. A short trip to the hospital and a tetnis shot on the ass later, I was back to good. But ow, he knoweth no pain like that of a rusty nail througheth your foot.

The Worst Toe Stub, Ever.

Root canals. I never had one before and wasn’t exactly looking forward to having some dude numb my face so he could drill a hole in my tooth with an abnormally large drill. I went to the dentist’s with my girlfriend of the time to get it over with so I could get back to life and eating normally. Little did I know that the pain would be so bad that my dentist was going to have to prescribe a lil somethin called vicodin for my discomfort. I didn’t know much about vicodin at the time, and just figured it’d help dull the pain away from my face so I could chew my food without remorse. And I was right. I was on vicodin for about a week after the root canal, and it helped a great deal. I was eating, chewing, talking like a real man again and I felt great. But I didn’t realize that most of what I was (and wasn’t) feeling was a result of the vicodin I was taking. Hell, I don’t think I felt pain for that entire week, anywhere. So when the day came that I finally didn’t need it anymore I was happy. I was one step closer to eating normal again. I remember it well...

I tossed out my empty orange pill bottle and rushed up my stairs to my room. I began to read and fell asleep on my bed for about 2 hours or so until hunger awoke me. I remember getting up with lots of energy and thought about the possibilities of what I could cook and devour with my new healthy tooth. Excited with the idea of making some chicken teriyaki I began to run down my stairs and started to turn the corner into my living room when CRACK!

I opened my eyes to find myself on the floor. The pain still surging throughout my foot like flesh eating bacteria on a helpless young fawn. Struggling, I looked over to the doorway I had passed through to see the cause of my dismay. A wooden box, it was freshly lain across the floor and hadn’t been there 2 hours ago. The pain began to grow and all I could do was lay there, helpless and confused as to why a toe stub would ever hurt so badly. Holding my big toe firmly, I could feel the tears swelling, and it dawned on me. The vicodin was to blame. To this day I remember sobbing the words “vicodin...box...” as I laid helpless on the floor, waiting for someone to come to my rescue...they didn’t. You see, I hadn’t felt pain for an entire week, and when I stopped taking the vicodin, something as common as a toe stub seemed like the end of the world.
Oh what a horrible memory, feeling helpless on the floor, gasping for air and help, crying to myself while holding my foot and sobbing the word....vicodin. I assure you it was a sad sight indeed.

I assure you all there are more, but it’s mostly more physical pain than anything deep or meaningful, like the time I broke my trapeze while I was hanging upside down, or the time my sister broke a rake over my head, or the time my crazy uncle Mitch forced me to eat mayo...I urge you all to add-on. Tad, A-PoP, D.W., speak brothers, let it out. All are welcome in the house of twisted humor and sadness...

I mean uh, boys don’t cry.

-Kung Pow Jim

Voice-to-Face Combobulation....and a top-TEN list

2006-01-20T16:39:00.000-05:00

Wow-i'm surprised we didnt do anything in celebration of our 100th post.

Before you say:
"What are you talking about Alex?," "All you do is like, post Pictures or re-post you're old blogs you asshole...you're still around like....87...now shut up and write."

Just keep in mind that I dont read you're blog on a weekly basis. 87 Posts! Whoo-Hoo!
Pats on the Back for everyone!

Speaking of Pats, I really have been busy, I wrote a half-blog draft about how the Pats would be heading into Sunday's game against the Colts--and it would easily be the game of the year, with half the nation so sick of the Pats at this point....
I had some fancy statistics, and a mini-breakdown of the Pats greatness, and where this team ranks with the past 4 years....

well nowhere did it say that the defending champs would turn the ball over 5 times directly leading to 24 points.

Denver, watch the fuck out. You guys did nothing offensively against us. And your blitzing attack was figured out by halftime. You are not worthy and you are going to get steamrolled by Pittsburgh. Unless they turn the ball over 5 times.

As for me, I'm jumping to the NFC. I'll honestly be happy with whomever gets to SuperSunday, Carolina or Seattle, and i'll be backing them both with the supreme confidence of a young Steve Guttenberg.

________________________________________

Working in TV is cool. You get to see how the full production of a live TV show works. I was surprised to find out that everyone on the show is scattered EVERYWHERE.
The only people in the central control room being the Producer, Director, Asst. Director and the switcher.

That leaves sound, graphics, the taperoom, research, cameras and talent scattered EVERYWHERE. So the director who instructs every facet, cant even see the faces of the people he/she is depending on. Thus, communication is essential.

To do this, we are each jacked into a "walkie-talkie-like device" called the McCurdy. I know, it sounds like its made of wood and twisty-ties...but i assure you it dates back to the 80's at least.
I was born with a phobia of the phone for some reason, which has let up since i've gotten older. At work, its my understanding that since you're co-workers cant at times SEE you, that you gotta champ up and become a talking fool for the greater good. I only bring up my child-like phobia because talking over this MCurdy machine, because with it, i've been made victim of one of God's more subtle, and underrated comedic ironies. Cleverly, I have decided to call it Voice-to-Face Combobulation.

If you are about to stop reading, don't worry there's a top ten list with pictures at the bottom.

Voice-to-Face Combobulation is when you are repeatedly exposed to either an idividual's face (via the TV), or voice (via the radio or phone) and superficially you create a mental picture or mental ear of what they are going to sound like.

The most famously satirized example being "Handsome Dan" from Wayne's World 2, a radio personality who is, like most other radio personalities, a dweeby looking individual, who's voice may suggest otherwise. At work, we talk to these voices ALL the time that we never get to put a face to.....and there is this one guy, who i'm telling you, sounds EXACTLY like a skinny-old-man-farmer from kentucky who wears one of those trucker-mesh hats and whittles wood. Lets just say...a mullet was definitely involved.

So during a quick break, I had to use the bathroom (Tad, I'm not trying to rub this in) I'm in the vacant stall when I hear The Voice casually stroll in mid conversation with another unknown voice. I knew this was my opportunity. I eagerly leave the stall and head to the sink. To my chagrin they've stopped talking! C'mon you bastard TALK!
Which one are you!?

Well, needless to say, my voice turned out be a rather large, rather young-looking, glasses-wearing guy, sans-mullet and sans-mesh out.

In a way, I lost my innocence that day in the bathroom.
And every time a voice, or a kind face comforts us with the image of a skinny farmer from kentucky or a handsome radio personality---we can never be fully prepared to deal with the shock it brings.

My top 10, favorite and most shocking Voice-to-Face Combobulations:

10. Pat Morita
Ok, the late Mr. Miyagi. Perhaps you're vision of the wise-father-figure hasnt been sullied yet. Well, for me, all it took was 1992's "Honeymoon in Las Vegas" where he played an english-speaking Taxi Driver named Mahi Mahi---WITH A SURFER DUDE accent. to completely ruin my vision of him. and My fears were later confirmed on a cameo appearence on Boy Meets World. Its how he talks, dude.

9. Bob Hoskins
In the same vein as Mr. Miyagi, an actor of such sheer brilliance was able to completely, and utterly trick 10-year old boys across the world. Super Mario himself, Bob Hoskins TWICE perpetrated arguably the BEST New Yorker accent by a british man on screen.
Serious props go to Hoskins when you realize that not only did he have to act and talk to nothing during "Roger Rabbit" but he had to do it while covering up a rediculously thick British Accent.
Care to see him in a british voiced role.....neither do I.
I've been burned too badly by him.

I have no Hoskins.

Say it with me.

8. Dikembe Mutombo
Hopefully by now, you realize that I will take any opportunity possible to post a picture of Dikembe Mutombo. This time around, it will actually be relavant. You see this tall drink of water on the court and you expect a deep, booming voice. Well you're half-right. Hear him talk, and hear the voice of Cookie Monster, who's been chain-smoking for 25 years. CoookieCoookieCoookie!!
I also get a kick watching him talk to his teammates on the bench, who no doubt have no idea what he's saying, yet continue to smile and nod while talking to him. Nothing but happy memories with me and Mutombo. He's my giant.
7. Dave Stewart
The image of Dave Stewart's intense glare on the mound when he used to pitch for the A's during the Canseco/McGwire/Henderson days was enough to make any rookie's knees bend like pink-pipe cleaners. Stewart needed all the intimidation factor he could muster, but in the end, it wouldnt change the fact that he sounded like Michael Jackson.
A true shock.

6.Aaron Neville
The oft-sleeveless, musclebound balladeer became an easy-listening staple. His bold rendition: "The touch, the feel of cotton....." single handedly staved off a hostile take-over from the polyester industry. High-ass voice. Leather Cuttoff shirt. Aaron Neville, I salute you.

5. The Guy from "The Calling"
I didnt even bother searching for his name. I just googled "lead singer the calling." Apparently he has a name. Alex Band. Yeah. Ooookay.....Moving on......he looks like the illegitmate lovechild of Dennis the Menace and Macauly Culkin. Listen to his one hit, "Wherever You Go" and he SOUNDS more like the illegitmate love child of Eddie Vedder and Barry White. You figure this one out and get back to me. He may be a nice guy, but I dont like him.
Oh y

4. Rod Roddy

Rod Roddy come on down, you're the next contestant on this list of people who look nothing like their voices!!
I can remember a time when the Price is Right never used to show his face. In a related story...I cherish those days. I've come to grips with this fashion-challenged, uber-dork with a surplus of cheer and knack for making dinette sets something a young boy, home sick from school might actually consider purchasing.

2&3. Milli Vanilli
Man, do I love Milli Vanilli. I fell in love with Rob and Fab when watching one of the original (and best) Behind The Music's. If in today's sex-driven popmusic industry, all you need to have is a body and good looks, Milli Vanilli could be celebrated as pioneers. How many of today's popstars cant carry a tune?? Anyway, during the recording of their video, chances are the German born duo didnt even speak fluent english, let alone be able to write and record music. The real singers? the decidedly nerdy/portly John Davis and Brad Howell. I know this because I was actually able to obtain a copy of Milli Vanilli's "All or Nothing" when i was in a record store in Israel. It was obviously post-scandal cuz on the lower right cover is a note: "Featured Visual Performances, Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan." I love Milli Vanilli. And i leave with a quote from Rob Pilatus reflecting on his music days:
"All what we had to do, was not to win the Grammy. If we win the Grammy we knew that our time was up....and we won the goddamn grammy....."
eah.

1.Rick Astley
Rick Astley is the main impetus behind this top 10 list. I basically started with him at Number 1 and worked my way down.
What to make of Rick Astley?? Rick Astley dances like Carlton from the Fresh Prince. He looks like he was cloned from Howdy Doody.
You've heard his hits....
-"Never Gonna Give You Up"
-"Together Forever"
And you've probably pictured in your head a s mooth Luther Vandross-esque, Mowtown singer-type guy. Thats what I had in my head. The dichotomy between Rick Astley's voice and looks is so SHOCKINGLY enormous that listing him at Number 1 was just about the only decent thing I could ever repay him with.

There you have it. I struggled with this. And i'm sure i'm missing a few. But, i'm guessing my top 2 is downright unbeatable.

Lets go Sea-Panthers!

_alex

American Idol and My Fear of Change

2006-01-19T12:22:00.000-05:00

I admit it. I watch American Idol. You probably do too, so stop laughing. I am not alone as 35.5 million viewers tuned in to watch the first round of auditions on Tuesday. The reason that I like to watch this show is that I enjoy seeing talented people perform. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. For this reason, I completely despise the initial rounds of Idol in which hundreds of people try to make an impression on the judge in various assinign ways. The same pathetic delusionals attempt to make it every year, and it is becoming very formulaic and old. The singers that don't make it to the second round undeniably fit one of the following profiles.

The first is the sassy, finger waver. This person has refused to listen to reason for their entire lives. They come in all shapes and sizes, white, black, fat, skinny, male or female. They are usually marginally good at singing. Maybe good enough to croon for their friends from time to time, but certainly not good enough for the competition. The problem lies in the fact that they simply don't have the talent to sell records, which is really what the show is all about. Because their friends have always told them how good they are they think they have obtained God's gift of voice. During the audtion they try to make Christina Aguileraesque runs with their voices which typically ends up sounding awkward and forced. After they perform they give a defiant look of success and they then get shot down by Simon. They act shocked. It is at this point that they get sassy and begin waving their finger as if Simon is crazy for not taking them. They then leave the room and mouth off to the camera for about 3 minutes about how Simon doesn't know shit and how they are shocked by how stupid he is. They usually then take a quick cheapshot along the lines of "and that british dude has too many wrinkles anyway" and walk off never to be seen again. I can't stand the sassy, finger waver.

The next category is the Momma's boy/girl. This person typically looks like Phil from Wayne's World. You know, the "if you're gonna spew, spew into this" guy. These people have even less talent than the sassy finger wavers. They are green with nerves because they know along with the rest of the world that they aren't good enough for the competition. They are solely because their mother is old and wrinkly and knows she doesn't have a shot. The mother, though, has sent them to vocal lessons and put them through hell for their whole lives so that they can be her puppet in an attempt to get rich. They obviously have never made a decision on their own and are very uncomfortable performing. The performance usually involves a voice crack and heavy sweating. As they are singing the camera pans to the mom, who says how she can't listen to her child sing because its beauty always makes her cry. Pan back to the singer who is now contemplating suicide. They are told they aren't good enough and they typically walk out with their head down, saying very little. It is at this point that they meet up with their mother outside the audition room and break the news. Mom then takes on the role of the sassy, finger waver. Very very annoying and sad.

The lovable weirdo. This is the person that breaks your heart because they clearly have no friends but seem so nice. Because they have no friends, no one has been able to tell them that they are terrible. Maybe they have studied the tapes of American Idol and fooled themselves into thinking they can do it. I don't know. These people are usually the suckiest of the sucky. William Hung fits the category of the lovable yet delusional weirdo. They literally break your heart to watch.

Finally, we have the overly bubbly gimmicky crazy bastard/bitch. This person comes in with too much energy or a stupid costume in the hopes that the judges will pay attention to their energy and apparel rather than their crappy voice. These may be the most annoying of them all. The usually get a whole segment of TV time which is exactly what they want. Usually the judges let one through so there is some character for the world to watch in the second round. They are very calculating and I think all they really want is to appear on Fox. It makes my blood boil that it works. Damn you Fox.

I think that's pretty much it. Even thought I know whats coming, I continue to watch. Its partly a function of a well executed plan on Fox's part, and mostly about my addiction to reality television. Now as the show moves on to the second round I have to prepare myself for the "I woke up with a sore throat" and "I can't sing in a group" drama. This is America's #1 show. What does it this say about America?